Fear is....

Fear is easy. In fact fear, is something that comes quite naturally to me. I automatically go to the worst possible scenario in my head in whatever situation I am in. I spend a good amount of time playing out 'what ifs' and trying to figure out what I would do if.... its truly such a waste of time. If fear, weren't so easy then I don't think the bible would have mentioned it over and over again."do not be afraid". We are consistently reminded of that because fear is easy. Satan thrives on this. He loves it. He loves to see us afraid.
    Today was a scary day for us. We live in an increasingly scary world that is hard to ignore. I don't watch the news and try to steer clear from articles because, for me it ends up being all I think about. This whole FEAR thing is really hard to ignore when it comes knocking on your front door, and today it did. We found out that Kalebs school went into lock down today and there was an active shooter in the neighborhood. I have been in lock downs before in elementary schools and Kaleb in fact had one earlier this year, this one felt different. Don't get me wrong... I trust his school, he is very safe there but in my mind, my kids aren't SAFE unless they are with me. I instantly got really scared and all those "what if" thoughts started flooding my mind. It pissed me off that we have to live in a world where it is scary for our kids to go to school, play in the park, go outside. There is risk...more so every day. 
  I can choose to sit there and live in that fear... the kind that will paralyze you or I can choose to lift this up to our papa, knowing that he has this. That although my fear might not be unwarranted that I/we are protected by the father. That every time I give into it and let it take a hold of me, I am letting Satan delight in that. So here I am lifting it up over and over again because NOT being afraid is something that doesn't come very easily to me.

T-rex

Hey you!
 Below you will find a picture that best represents how I am feeling right now... like 100% of the time. I have a pretty strong urge to want to rip everyone's face off and eat it for breakfast (please excuse my 'Walking Dead' Metaphor) but truly, I'm pretty angry right now. This little guy does a good job of representing how I am feeling inside. The one thing I love about the T-rex is his little arms. They discredit him so. He wants to be all mean and scary and just eat people, but then you look at his arms and kind of can't help but laugh. With that said, I hope you can read this knowing that this "feeling" isn't me. Not at all who I am or how I want to act or feel, it just kind of is....

I think that sometimes people forget, that since it has been 9 months, and it isn't fresh in their mind that I am still grieving. I tend to lean into things and get a lot accomplished when I am grieving so some people probably think that I am doing just fine, but not really.That this year in particular is REALLY HARD for me. It was my parents favorite time of year and Christmas began in October. #allthingschristmas.  We were very fortunate to have wonderful Christmas's growing up. Tons of family, activities and creativity. I crave that now. The big family gathering, in our house...although our house isn't our home anymore because my parents were what made it that. When it comes to my own crap I am not a crier until I have been really angry. Its just my process. I cry easily at movies or stories or how I hurt for others but when its mine, I spend a good deal of time cursing things or people (in my head) until I reach a point where it has to come out and then I cry. I wish it wasn't this way, but unfortunately the grief monster has decided that this is how I get to handle it. 
Thank God for GRACE, truly can you imagine living life without it? Grace from my husband and my kids who unfortunately get most of my crankiness because that is where I feel safe enough to display it. Not fair for them though. Thank you to you, who are reading this if you have experienced the T-rex in me lately and for giving me grace, knowing that this is not who I am or who I want to be.

Transition

Lately I have been feeling very uneasy in my life, mostly with my work situation. Don't get my wrong, I love what I do. That I get to help people and that is a joy, but this job is emotionally taxing and the time that I am away from my family and the STRESS that that causes is becoming a lot. A little back story...
Two years ago on this date I got a call from a friend saying that I was being considered for my current job. This was wonderful and terrifying all at the same time. You see, I am a planner. I am really good at it, really organized, this is a huge strength of mine but also a MAJOR vice... because when I don't know the plan I kind of freak out. If my mom were here, she would say that this has been a reoccurring theme in my life. Something I am really working on. 
I didn't know the plan, but for months (after Ruby was born) I knew that what I was doing wasn't working and that something else was going to happen, I just didn't know what or when. Two years later I can say that this job has been such an amazing blessing to my family and I. I have been able to see into incredibly painful life stories and help speak into these lives. I have developed a passion for the mental health community that I never knew I had, and I have developed some pretty awesome skills because of this job.  With that said, the last 8 months or so, I have felt an uneasiness in this position. I feel like God has been preparing my heart for some change. I have no idea what or when but I feel it coming. I realized a dream of mine around 8 months ago, one that I never even knew was on my heart. To stay at home and work from home. How this was going to happen I have no idea... because the logistics, the planning of this is like so out of my control. I couldn't even try to write down a path for this. It is becoming more and more clear to move in this direction. That I have been provided with a flexible job that allows me to dream for this and work for this on the sidelines. My introduction to oils last year was purely medical, then turned into something else and has progressed to something I never could of imagined and while I am excited (like this is all I can think about) for the possibilities that come with this, I am scared ____less. You get the picture. Maybe this is Gods way of forcing me to not try to have a plan, because I really cant. All I can do is work as hard as I can, trusting that he is going to pick up the rest and take it where it needs to go. It is a lesson I am learning daily, hourly, sometimes every minute because my automatic response is to freak out and try to plan this out.
 I opened my devotion to this today... the same day 2 years ago I got the call about the job. 
Jesus, I love your gentle reminders in always the perfect timing.
" This is a time of Abundance in your life. Your cup runneth over with blessings. After plodding uphill for many weeks, you are now traipsing through lush meadows drenched in warm sunshine. I want you to enjoy to the full this time of ease and refreshment. I delight in providing it for you.
Sometimes my children hesitate to receive my good gifts with open hands. Feelings of false guilt creep in, telling them that they don't deserve to be so richly blessed. This is nonsense-thinking because no one deserves anything from me. My kingdom is not about earning and deserving;its about believing and receiving.
What a child of mind balks at accepting my gifts, I am deeply grieves. When you receive my abundant blessings with a grateful heart, I rejoice. My pleasure in giving and your pleasure in receiving flow together in joyous harmony."
Psalm 25:5

Gratitude

Gratitude is important.
 I was thinking a lot about this as I was lounging in my chair, ocean side with a drink in my hand while in Mexico. Easy to be grateful when you are in that situation for sure. I was thinking how lucky we are that we got to take a vacation like that. That we bought our dream home earlier this year and that for the most part we are pretty comfortable in our lives. I don't say any of this to make my life seem like I have it all together, we are FAR FROM perfect or even put together, but thinking back even 5 years ago, none of what we have experienced, the good and the bad was on my radar. In the last 5 years I have birthed two children, lost two parents, received a pretty amazing job, bought our dream house and just finished a wonderful vacation. 5 years ago, we were scrapping by and all of these things (minus the parents dying) were on our bucket list and we felt like WE WOULD NEVER GET THERE!Heck we still aren't "there". It is so easy to be grateful when everything is going right and life is easy... like on a Mexico vacation ;)
 Choosing to be grateful in the everyday life is a constant choice we make. When our kids aren't sleeping, or running around like crazy people, when the car is having problems or you are SO busy you feel like your head might, quite literally spin off your body, you can still be Grateful. There are times when I am overcome by gratitude, literally floored in the moment by how blessed we are. And there are MANY times where I have to make a mental list in my head of all the things I need to be grateful for, because the truth is; the busyness, the mundane, the stress of everyday often overpowers our ability to see how incredibly we are blessed.
We can be blessed in the really rough times. When my mom was dying, and if you have ever had to watch someone die slowly of a disease, it is AWFUL, I remember people would ask me all the time how I was doing, and it was rough. It was hard, it was incredibly painful but man do I feel so blessed by that time. Thank you Jesus for that extra year and a half that we got to spend with her. The chance to love on her and spend quality time together. The chance to bond, and love on and connect as a family as a whole. It was an amazingly special time, in the midst of all that hard. 
You see, even when it is shit, we get to choose to be grateful from it. Most of you reading this know me, you know that I am not a positive person by nature, this is something that I have to work on and that I will choose to work on because it makes me a better person. So know that this post comes from someone who struggles with looking on the bright side a lot.

Psalms 118:24 This is the day which the LORD has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.
(Go ahead, sing the song from Sunday school... I know you want to!)

Failure

FAILURE - gosh this is such a nasty word! It packs such a powerful punch and it seems like no matter how hard I try, one that keeps interjecting itself into my life over and over again. Satan sure knows my weakness. He knows that I feel like a failure at parenting so much, and loves to hit me when I am down. Lately I have been feeling really defeated. I feel like this last year our family has just started to crumble. Especially Ruby. I just am not sure how to relate to this beautiful little girl. She is so much like me yet I can't seem to get a grip on who she is. And I feel like that sounds absolutely horrible coming out of my mouth. I am her mom and I just don't really get her. This is one of those times where I miss my mom horribly. I know that I acted like Ruby when I was younger based on things I read and I know my mom would have some great insight. She definitely is this little puzzle that I am working hard to solve. I don't know, maybe our life is moving too fast for her because she struggles so much with transitions. You can imagine how this plays out in a house where both parents work full time, I have a side job and we have school activities, daycare, kindergarten. I feel like we are constantly on the go and I am constantly saying no and we don't have time, or we need to hurry! It hurts my heart, I want to go slower but there is nothing that I can take off my plate right now.
 I cannot WAIT for the day when I get to work from home and I can move at a pace that is more centered around my kids. Where mornings aren't rushed and I am there for school and activites. This desire on my heart is so strong, it is often all I can think about. So I guess, in the meantime, I just give myself grace!

Progress in baby steps

   Its been about a month since I have done any blog posting, and to say that our life this last month has been crazy is an understatement. In a good way though! Vacation,business going crazy, getting ready for back to school, then starting school. I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants. The last couple of weeks I have been frustrated by my inability to work out. With Kaleb starting school, our whole schedule has changed and then when we all get home the kids are exhausted. Ruby has been having a hard time with all the change and has been really attached to me... like attached where I can't even leave the house. It has been a little rough. I'm finding a hard time trying to balance it all. Working out in the morning would be an option but Kavin goes in earlier so that we can get the kids earlier at the end of the day, so that leaves later in the evening (right around the kids bedtime) as the option... gah! I feel disappointed in myself for not making it more of a priority and I feel myself starting to get into that negative mind space where that little word that makes a huge impact comes in. FAILURE.... and I have to talk myself out of it. To remind myself to give myself grace and that I don't need to be perfect. Daily struggle for sure. I'm still working on my eating. Not perfect and wheat has reintegrated itself back into my life a little but not a lot so that is good! I know for myself in order to be successful I need to do things in baby steps at least in this area of my life. If I bite off more than I can chew I end up throwing in the towel because I can't be Perfect (which I know is ridiculous). So, here's to working on it. To allowing myself to be in a healthy head space and make progress in little steps and small decisions.

This is important

    Yesterday I felt like crap. Just had one of those days where I was feeling SUPER unconfident in everything I do, and feeling really awful about my appearance. It is amazing what low self confidence does to you. I felt like I had gained 5 lbs overnight which I know is not possible. I'm actually loosing weight.  I just wanted to plop down on the couch and eat all the carbs... BUT I made the commitment to go to my workout class. The last two weeks I haven't been working out consistently... a class here and there but not like I should. We had swimming lessons every night and then you know excuses. Being too afraid to try a new class. Feeling like I have no idea what I am doing lifting weights, so I just didn't go. HOLY COW... guys! Can I say something here because I feel like it is so important. How I have felt the last two weeks vs. when I was working out regularly is so insanely different and I didn't realize it until I got done with my club dance class why! I have been cranky, tired and just blah these last two weeks. Kind of slumping back into that depression state and I didn't really even think anything of it, probably because this whole working out thing is so new to me. I will be honest, although I love my club dance class, I did not want to go last night. The whole time I wasn't feeling it, stumbling over my own feet and probably looking ridiculous but I needed it. My soul needed it, my body needed it. I know that there are going to be so, so many more days where I DO NOT want to work out and will probably be wishing the whole time for it be over but its one of those things you do because its good for you and it makes you feel good. Its a conscious choice to be better, to feel better.
 I know everyone has their own reason for working out and eating healthier. I am not doing it to loose weight, I mean yes  that is the goal but that is not my main reason. I am doing it because I want to feel better, be a better person for myself, for my kids. Enjoy life!! I feel something changing in me. My mindset is changing. In the past I have been about perfection. Doing clean eating 100% of the time = cheat explosions, working out 100% of the time= not going at all. There was an all or nothing mindset because if I screwed up I might as well give up. Grace is carrying me right now, and having some for myself. To know that perfection, being 100% is not the goal but to be continually making changes in my life. Man, do you know how much pressure that takes off of me? How much easier it makes eating good and working out? So, so much!
When we first moved into our house I could not walk up the stairs without huffing and puffing. Now I can run up them (still a little huffing) but its a change.
I'm really excited to see where this is going to take me. Its all about the little changes that add up to a really big one.

Grief, you suck!

I haven't written in a while, or at least it seems. The last few days I have been really stressed, anxious, irritated about everything. Upcoming Mexico trip, things that need to be done around the house, the FACT that my baby is starting Kindergarten and a new before school and after school program. AGH! We can say this though, my house and classroom are pretty dang clean and organized right now, because that is how I relieve stress. I clean, I organize and I think about cleaning.
 I had a dream about them last night. The first time they have simultaneously appeared in a dream. There wasn't a message or even a feeling, which is kind of irritating because I keep hoping that maybe I will see a sign somewhere. I hate that it takes me a few days of being in this funk to really see why I am. Yep, grief, you SUCK. You slip in and sneak up on me and I'm not prepared for it. I should of known it was coming because its been awhile since I have felt this way and it usually happens in fairly consistent intervals. Now that I have realized that this is why I am pissed, irritated etc I just want to go be by myself, and unfortunatly that isn't an option.
Insert swear word here.......

Sometimes this job is heavy

   Sometimes working here hurts my heart. There are days, or weeks at a time where the pain of these people really gets to you. I am a pretty sensitive person by nature and seeing hurt in anyone really affects me.  I remember when I first started working here the first couple of months were slightly traumatizing as I read the background stories of how some of these people grew up or things that happened to them. It was awful. I really second guessed accepting my job because I didn't think I was going to be able to handle it. Well... here I am almost two years later and man I have learned so much from this place. So much about the human capacity for pain and so much about the mental health community. 
   This week though, for some reason has been really hard. Watching a grown man sob because he misses his family. Seeing a young girl (20 something) in a padded helmet because she can't but help injuring herself at any point during the day because of the emotional pain, or talking to a young patient about the fact that she won't get to see her kids until their are adults and it is just heartbreaking.
  I have felt that I was supposed to take this job from the very beginning having ABSOLUTELY no experience working with adults or people with mental illness and it has stretched me. I feel like even though sometimes working here can feel hopeless because there is only so much you can do to help that I can still be here and pray for these people. Listen to them, treat them like they are human and build friendships with them. They continue to show me so much about the world and amaze me with what the human spirit can bear. 
 I know that it wasn't/isn't supposed to be this way but I am really thankful for the incredible opportunity to help these people as they transition through the challenges they are facing and most of the time I am not using my "degree" in the sense that I would of originally thought, I am using so much more than that.

It's Saving me

 I came home from my Club Dance workout class last night and on my way home I was filled with this sense of Awesomeness. So much so that it made me cry! Its hard to explain, or maybe you know exactly what I am talking about. Because for years people have tried to explain this "workout high" to me or tell me that working out will make me feel better and I never believed them because out of all the times I tried it I never felt it. 
  This is saving me. I feel it. I feel strong. I feel powerful when I am in there. Granted I have no coordination, I'm at least 70 lbs over weight and I probably look like a fool but who the fuck cares! Sorry, it deserved a swear word there ;) I have been struggling these last few months with really bad with depression. This large grey cloud that seems to follow me everywhere. I know most of it is related to my moms death, but so many other things also. The real shitty thing about depression is you can know something is wrong and you can't just "change it". It is a process, a long frustrating process. Most of the time, I don't want to leave the house... I make myself because I am not going to turn into that but it gives me a lot of anxiety. Being around people, planning things, events give me anxiety. 
 I have been real tired for a long time of where I am at with my health, and lets be honest I have been half assing it for a while just "partially" changing my eating, or going on a walk here and there but never consistent. And where that has gotten me is somewhere I don't want to be. Where I am is not comfortable physically or emotionally. After a nice push from a good friend who knows my crap, I decided to join a gym 3 weeks ago, and yes I am only three weeks in but I feel different. I am taking back control of my life and doing something good for myself. Seriously H, your words are ringing true in my ear all the time now. There is SO MUCH power in this, and I want to shout it from the rooftops that you can feel like this too!!!! I know I am just in the beginning and I hope that as I continue this feeling doesn't wear. I do have my club dance class that is ridiculously fun to keep me going though. Hey if you want to join me, let me know! We can look like fools together!

Parenting is HARD STUFF

  I was sitting on Ruby's bed last night rubbing her back as she was just falling asleep. She had just got done trashing her room, peed on the floor twice because she refused for wear a diaper. As I looked at her I couldn't help but think " This is so hard" Bedtime is SO hard at our house right now, ok lets be honest bedtime has always been slightly hellacious at our house. Having two VERY strong willed children and then one of them doesn't need a lot of sleep... you can imagine. Please do for a minute ;)There are times when I hear my mom as clear as day say "Paybacks a bitch" and I laugh because it is. Anyway, as I was sitting there just thinking about how there are days that I don't want to do this, that it just seems like too much and that it shouldn't be that hard I really felt the question " what is God trying to teach me" ring out. It made me take a step back. I was just like this, probably worse as a child and I turned out ok right? My strong will has worked well to serve me as I have gotten older.
  What am I learning from this super challenging experience? How am I being stretched, and believe me I am, we are. Kids have a way of bringing out the worst in you sometimes and if you are able to look at it, you get to see all the crap you need to work on, all the stuff you aren't good at. You get to see how you can be better, do better, teach them to be better. It is humbling really. As a parent I think we spend a lot of our time focusing on what we are doing wrong, how we are scarring our kids for life or doing exactly what our parents did that we SWORE WE WOULD NEVER DO...but instead of feeling guilty for not being the PERFECT PARENT (ha ha ha), I am choosing to use what I see as a challenge to be better. Do do my best to raise my kiddos to love Jesus, know that it is ok to make mistakes and try to do better, to be loving and kind and grow into confident adults and man that is HARD WORK!
  Friends, moms, dads - Don't discredit yourselves. We are all doing a fabulous job. It is hard stuff. Super hard stuff. SUPER, SUPER and all the hard stuff is where the meat is at. This is it. This is where the good stuff happens. Isn't conquering the really hard stuff where we end up feeling the most pride. The I did it's?
 

Accountability

I have been seeing my naturopath again to figure out what is going wrong with my thyroid. Well after some lab work, we know that it isn't working very well and my adrenals are WAY OUT OF WHACK! So 10+ supplements later here we are. Step on the road to better health. My main goal with this is to feel better and get healthy. I am at an all time high with my weight and to be honest, or if you have been reading my blog you already know I have been pretty depressed. I need to do something different. After a good talk with a very close friend who knows how to give it to me straight I decided to join a gym and get my eating in order, which my naturopath suggested, but hearing it from a friend too was what I needed.
My first thought was that wasn't going to tell anyone about this until I was successful. Wait... why? What was my intention behind this? I know one was that I don't want to have to explain YET AGAIN that I have failed at an eating plan or workout plan for the billionth time. That I am ashamed that I am starting over AGAIN. But the more I thought about keeping my little plan a secret, the more it made me realize that I am setting myself up for failure. Putting myself in a place where  I don't have to be held accountable has a lot of freedom. I don't have to answer to anyone which is awesome!!! Well not really because where has that gotten me in the past? ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE, sitting in front of a bag of chips. I need my friends and family to know, and yeah it is embarrassing  but I can't hide from this. I need to do something for my physical health, emotional health and lets me honest some much needed down time, even if that means I need to spend it working out.
 I know that I am not going to be perfect and there will be days where I don't do so hot but I need to focus on movement in the right direction not perfection. So, here is to a new start, a new chapter that is going to be HARD and PAINFUL! I'm doing it!

Tears

I'm not good with letting myself feel it. I usually try to avoid it all by keeping me myself busy, usually by cleaning something which is exactly what I did when I got home from work tonight. Deep clean mania. It took a 2 year old throwing ANOTHER MASSIVE tantrum for me to loose it and I decided that I just needed to think of all the things that were pissing me off and making me sad, and just let the tears come.. And then the sobs. I know it's good for me, I know that but feeling this way is awful. I am so lonely and I really hate admitting that but I am. Yet at the same time I don't want to be around anyone because I have to pretend to be happy, to be ok and I'm not. Most of the time I just feel like telling everyone to fuck off. This isn't me, you know that. I am easy going, kind, gentle and love people but this stage of whatever the F(I will keep my swearing to a minimum here) this is, is overtaking me. I miss my mom so much. Just talking to her on the phone about our days and I know there are so many people that will do that for me but it's not the same. She got everything about me and nothing can replace that.

My therapist told me something the other day that pissed me off. He said " what you are waking through is rich." Wtf? I almost punched him. Rich? What this is does not feel like a rich experience. After thinking about it I get it. This is molding me, changing me and change is hard. It hurts, it's painful and I know EVENTUALLY even though it is nowhere in my sight line I will look back on this and be thankful for parts. For the growth, the lessons, the grace. I just can't see it right now.

Also I wanted to clarify after thinking about this post this morning. I don't want it to seem like I hate my life, that I am unthankful or that there is nothing good happening. NOT THE CASE AT ALL. Grief and depressions just have this overlay that goes over the top of it. There are lots of great things happening in life, things I am excited about or enjoy but at the same time there is also a sadness that blankets that. Its very hard to explain if you haven't experienced it

Unglued

This weeks therapy session unglued me. I was so emotionally exhausted afterwards, all I wanted to do was sleep. I spent most of the session crying, and if you know me that isn't something I like doing... like EVER! Something about crying is so humiliating to me when it comes to personal stuff because if you see me crying at a movie, no biggie, or with a friend or even seeing someone cry it doesn't bother me. But lets pull out that vulnerability card and I am just not good with it.I want to be strong. I want to have it all together. Lets be honest here.. I don't. I mean, no one does but I REALLY don't right now. It takes all my energy just to function right now. No wonder I am exhausted and cranky all the time. I remember too vividly after my dad died, my mom telling me that it was so hard just to go to the grocery store and I didn't understand that kind of grief. I could empathize, but I didn't understand...until now.

I am going to be honest. Right now, I HATE when people ask me how I am doing. It is such a loaded question and if you are reading this don't feel bad. It is always the first thing out of our mouth and it is just what we do here in our society.I just don't know how to answer it. Most people don't want to hear how shitty I am feeling. How depressed I am or how I feel like I can't keep it together, much less see my cry. So I say I am good and I smile. I hate lying but I am not really sure what else to do. I feel flat out shame that my life is a mess right now and that I don't have everything put together in their nice little boxes. Hearing that thought come out of my brain right now makes me laugh, because that is ridiculously unrealistic. My therapist said to me the other day " What you have and are going through right now would crush most people, and the fact that you can even talk about it like you do is a really good sign. GIVE YOURSELF SOME GRACE". We all know I am not good with that. Part of the perfectionist in me, but something I am working on.

I don't talk about it with anyone except my husband but the reality that both my parents aren't here anymore is crushing. It is lonely and trying to figure out what the structure of my family is, is overwhelming. I miss what my family used to look like before my dad got sick. I'm sad. And, I feel responsible as the oldest to try to put it back together. The honest truth, the hard truth though is that no matter how hard I try to put it back together, I can't. We have to start over because the foundation that made our family is gone. Going back to my house that I grew up in is really hard too because the people that made it home are gone. Now it is just stuff. It doesn't mean anything, it doesn't feel the same because the life that made it isn't there.

Writing has helped me so much. It is the one thing I can do that lets me get it all out even if it doesn't make sense. I am thankful for you who read it, who encourage me, love on me and support me through this hard stage when you probably don't know what to do! For that, Thank you!

Love,

Em

All kinds of wonderful

I kind of, and by kind of I mean like A LOT, set up pretty big expectations for myself. Perfectionist at heart, and this can be a very good thing because I can be quite productive but it also means I end up adding a lot of unnecessary stress to my life. Since I am having a hard time in general with just functioning in every day activities I have been really working on toning my life down and cutting back which has been hard for me because I love to say YES and like to be busy.To give you an idea, we are taking a kid free vacation in October at an all inclusive adults only resort and I am worrying about being bored and having too much time on my hands. Who does this?
    Yesterday was an awesome day at home. There was literally NO screaming, fighting, epic meltdown etc. I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what was different.... you know what was different? You know what I am going to say, don't you? ME! I was the only thing, that I could think of anyway that was different. I was calm, I wasn't stressed, I was interacting with the kids and paying more attention and it was wonderful! 
    I had come to the decision/realization yesterday about an expectation on something in my life that I had. I was holding myself to an impossible standard that was causing quite a bit of underlying stress that I didn't even realize. Yesterday, I decided to drop it. I decided that I can only do what I can do, and although the change and growth may be way slower than I want I can't do anything about that, and that is OK! I might have to repeat this to myself every day for a while until I get it ingrained into my brain, because my tendency is to try to grab the reigns back and control it again to get better results, but that usually (mostly always) gets me NO-WHERE!Through my devotion and other little things that are happening in my life, I keep getting little reminders to step back and let God carry me through this part. That he has my best interest in mind and even though things are not where I want them to be, which is totally OK. It really is, that I will get there!

please excuse my sporadic post

Sometimes I think that my friends and family think I am nuts... Unstable. I will admit that I feel quite bipolar these days. It doesn't take much to make me angry, I cry at the drop of a hat, get easily offended and let's not even talk about getting overwhelmed. Friends, let me introduce you to my little, not so friend, friend: grief. I am still learning that this is what this is. We are a little over four months in and instead of it getting easier it gets harder. It's hard to explain, I'm not sad all the time but it's there just in other ways. I am doing my best to hold it together but it doesn't take much to get me unglued and I hate it. I hate not being in control. I hate that a bill that is larger than normal or the Internet not working sends me over the edge. THIS is not a place where I want to be, but I don't have a choice. I don't get to choose when to grieve, if just kind of sneaks up on you and after a few days of very strange behavior you are like " oh yeah... There you are! I remember you!"
  I find it interesting that about a month or so after someone passes all the people that were there during and right after kind of fade away. I'm not saying this as a criticism, it is just kind of the nature of how we do things, but when it comes down to it, this is when we need you most. Months in when it really starts to settle, the first Christmas, big holidays. Grief is EXHAUSTING, and lonely.
I just needed to write.

Change is in the air

    I can feel it when God is challenging me to do something different. Can I tell you that this feeling is very uncomfortable and causes me to freak out a little bit... and by a little bit I mean A LOT. I don't like feeling like I am in a place where I have no idea what is going on, and of course my first go to is to try to fix it by 1. making a decision or 2. figuring out the future plan... of which I have no control over so it ends up being a futile effort.
There is something in my life that I have been praying about a lot the last couple of months. My ability and desire to stay home part time. This desire is so a part of me now that it is often all I can think about. It is scary having this dream because of the possibility that it might not happen and that would cause a lot of disappointment. I have no idea how this is going to happen because we just bought a house and the finances for me to do that aren't there. Unfortunately because this is where my heart is, it makes where I am right now feel discontented. I have been praying about it a lot because there is a business opportunity that could really help me get to a place where this is feasible but with that comes many obstacles... so to go all in and be scared because I have no idea what the future holds or pull back because its safe.
I pulled out my devotional today "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young, if you don't have this I would recommend it. I love it so much! This is what today's message said.

               " You are my beloved Child. I chose you before the foundation of the work to walk with me     along paths designed uniquely for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with me, instead of trying to anticipate my plans for you. If you trust that my plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment. Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternity and ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you and spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and my purposes.

Obviously he was speaking to me in this passage. Even though this brings great comfort it is still a constant struggle for me, and honestly growing pains really suck! So, for now I will just sit back and wait in him, and his timing and know that that probably won't mean my timing, and I know that is ok but definitely not easy.

Dream BIGGER....

     This weekend I had the AMAZING opportunity to Go camping with around 350 other Lemon Droppers on the Young Living Farm in Utah. It was AMAZING!! Seriously, when people ask me to tell them about it, I really don't even know how to answer that question. I am without words. I am still trying to process all the awesome information and little gold nuggets that I learned this weekend.MIND BLOWN. About 6 months ago I decided to take a leap of faith and through much prayer and hesitation (because if you know me, you know I LOVE a plan) jumped into oils both feet knowing that if I felt that God wanted me to do this that I needed to commit and trust him. Trusting him, trusting the process, trusting my dreams, trusting that people are going to be rude and non supportive and it is still a daily struggle because it is something that I don't have any control over, but I am learning SO MUCH about myself. There have been many times where I wanted to quit, where I felt defeated by someones words, that I thought it was too hard but I am going to keep pushing because I can taste this. To give up now, to let the struggles take that away from me would Rob me of my Dream. The Good stuff, the really good stuff doesn't come easy. You have to work for it!
  I never would of thought six months ago that I would of have the opportunity to travel to see a Young living farm, nor did I have the desire to do so. There are quite a few desires that have been laid on my heart these last 6 months that I had no idea I even had. You know how we often say " oh, someday that would be nice to be able to do this" but we don't really think it will ever happen. That is how I have felt about this dream in particular, and to be honest I never spoke it out loud because actually saying it meant that there was a possibility that the dream and desire might not happen... and I don't like to fail. My Big dream right now, well among MANY others is to work from home. To have the flexibility to be there for my kids 100% of the time. I am going to be really vulnerable right now. I love my job, I love working, I love having time away from my family... but I don't love the hardship it puts on our family, the stress that comes with trying to balance it all. In the 18 months that I have started working full time, I have gained 18 pounds. That is a pound a month of stress! Ewww!  My kids miss me. I miss many opportunities to be there for them and I HATE that I am constantly being pulled in two different directions.
    After this weekend I decided that I am going to commit to this dream 100%. I will say it out loud, I will think about it, I will work towards it and you know what... IT will happen. I feel it in my core. I not only feel incredibly blessed by this opportunity in my life to be able to share essential oils and a different way of living with other people, but also the incredible friendships I have made and the awesome opportunities that have not financially been possible in the past. For the first time this year Kavin and I are going on a week long trip to Mexico, all inclusive, adults only vacation and we were able to splurge on some awesome things that we wouldn't of been able to do in the past. That is all possible because I took a leap of faith. I am really enjoying watching God work in my life and seeing the amazing fruits that come from being faithful and willing!

If you want to know anything about Essential Oils or want to contact me please let me know! I would love to hear from you 
www.thegoodoils.com/emilyb

Worn out

   Writing has always been cathartic for me. Always my favorite classes in high school, and at one point I wanted to get my degree in writing and literature. Writing a book has been on my bucket list and until the last year or so, even though I like writing, I didn't do it much. However with everything that has happened this last year writing has helped me tremendously. Sometimes the only way to get all the chaos out of my head is just to write it down.
   I'm going to be pretty vulnerable here. This month has been rough, really rough. Most days I am one VERY small step from bursting into tears. There are times when I feel like walking away because being a mom shouldn't be there hard, and nobody talks about it. I mean REALLY talks about it. This last month has consisted of constant screaming, tantrums over "nothing", anxiety, crying, whining... you name it. The noise alone, dear lord and I am not complaining in the sense that I am ungrateful because I'm not. I am just worn out. It makes me feel like a horrible mom not to be able to fix all this hard for my kids. That maybe, I am doing something wrong. My mom was always so good about this, just listening as I cried into the phone knowing exactly what it was like and telling me that this is ALL NORMAL. That I am doing fine and that my kids won't be scarred for life, but she isn't here to say that. Sometimes, and I am going to be honest I feel like out culture is so directed on fixing the problem instead of listening and we as mothers especially feel such pressure to put on a good front, we aren't even honest with those in the same boat. You know what that creates? Isolation and judgement. I don't know, maybe other moms don't need to talk about it? or maybe they don't want to and that is ok. I am really thankful for the handful of friends I have that are honest about it. About the hard, that don't judge me or tell me to put on a happy face when I am feeling overwhelmed, the ones that are REAL with me. That is what life is about.
 If you are in the same boat as me right now and you are feeling like it is all too much. That you aren't doing a good job... know that there is someone else that is right there with you and I am willing to talk about it if you ever want to. Open the door.

Phase 2

These last few weeks have been really tough. I don't know if it is that mothers day is approaching, or that I am going through a significant life change and they aren't here but find myself thinking about them all the time.  It as almost as if at this three month mark the fog has finally lifted. I am finally starting to feel, and I don't like it. All this avoiding it has caused a lot of stress, a lot of pounds, a lot of crankiness but not sadness. For the first three months I felt nothing. I guess every once in a while I would feel little bit sad. It made me wonder what was wrong with me. How could I not be sad that my mom, one of my best friends just died. In fact, her passing made me miss my dad a lot. As of late I am on the verge of tears often, I think about them in everything. Ache for them to be there, to see my kids and how much they have grown or even meet them for the first time. Share with them the exciting things that are happening in my life. 
 I had a dream last night that we had moved into our new house and my mom was helping me cook. My dad came over and showed me this video on his phone of him and Ruby goofing around and laughing. I remember his voice as clear as day. I knew in the dream that there was no way this was possible since he never met her, it was very confusing. Although, now that I am awake it all makes sense. Another way for my brain to process what is going on right now.
I am 32, a grown adult with my own family, but it doesn't matter how old you get, you don't outgrow needing your parents. In a way I am on my own, my siblings are the only ones that know EXACTLY what I am going through. We are having to redefine what a family unit looks like. I know that Christmas will be a big adjustment this year that I am not looking forward to.
My Grandma got me this Angel Catcher Grief Journal for my birthday last week and at first I thought it was a cool idea but I didn't know if I would really use it. I wrote in it for the first time today and processing a memory is incredibly painful, one of her last I didn't even want to think about it. Looking at pictures of her makes me physically sick and thinking about how sick she was makes me want to cringe but I know that in order to get through this stage I HAVE to feel it. I have to, I don't have the choice of just walking around and numbing my pain... well I guess I do but I know that is only going to bring on the pounds, bitterness and misplaced frustration.
For now, I am thankful for my incredible family, supportive friends who just listen and good places to cry. 
 

Waaaaa.....

 I was probably known most, as a kid, by my whining... only 1st to my picky eating habits. I remember vividly often saying " I can't do it" and "it's too hard". I was not a stranger to letting my feeling be known. My mom always said that she never had to guess what I was thinking. I am sure that although, as I grew this was really helpful, it was also really annoying. There are times in my adult life when I just want to say those same things. Where I kind of feel like a whiner. Lately I have been praying A LOT for God to change my heart. I have really been struggling focusing on all the incredibly blessings in my life and instead find myself feeling sorry for myself. There is a certain amount of shame that comes from feeling pity for oneself, especially as an adult. With that said, I have had a "woe is me" attitude lately and I hate it. I need to get out of this funk but I am not really sure how. 
Anyone who knows me knows that I live a very structured, scheduled life and I love to know what is happening ALL-THE-TIME. God is definitely teaching me right now about my lack of control. When my whole world is literally up in the air and no amount of planning will help.
I ran across this quote yesterday that really resonated with me.
              "Lord forgive me for picking
               things back up that I've already '
               laid down at your feet."
So, once again I will lay it back down knowing that I will be ok. My world isn't ending. We will get out of this mess and I will not have control and it will be ok.

Waves

Waves; When they come they aren't the kind that gently Lapp at your feet. The small crests that slowly bubble to the shores. These waves; take you under. A very turbulent kind that throw you from side to side and leave you screaming for air. Never knowing when you or if you are going to come back up for air. These waves have been building slowely and steadily for a long time and by the time you get caught in them it's already too late. I'm talking about grief. The only thing I can think of how to describe it is waves. The ones that have been throwing me around lately have been big. I miss my mom, I miss my dad. I wish I could talk to them and ask their opinion or cry over the phone. In the part of life where a good chunk of my life is In transition I feel very alone. I miss my family. I have wonderful in laws and extended family but it's not the same. My mom got me like no one else could. My dad could always find something funny to say and his hugs, God I miss his hugs and the smell of his hair. I don't feel them near me. I hope for signs or dreams but it's all stagnant air. In this time where some great things are happening it is somewhat over shadowed by this grief. And it sucks. If you have been here you just know there is nothing that describes it. Nothing.

All or nothing

     I am an all or nothing kind of person. I was thinking about this the other day when I was trying to figure out why there are these chunks of my life where I have it all together and then these other parts that ( in my mind) are a total mess. So I started to analyze the "put together" parts and came to the realization that when I feel successful, when I am successful and going full bore it is because I don't do anything half assed. I don't mean that in a way that toots my own horn, or that I am SOOO amazing. I mean it in a way that when I am really successful in my life I am super busy. A great example of this was about 4 years ago, my dad was in the middle of loosing his fight with cancer, I was going to school full time, working on my thesis, working two jobs and pregnant... hey lets throw in a strict eating plan to that and VOILA! I lost 35 lbs. My brain is so strange that the more I have on my plate the better organized and successful I am. This is probably why I constantly have a million things going on in my life at once ha ha ha. Trust me this is not all great because I can't really relax... I don't know how. Its a real problem.
   I am at a point right now where I am in "all or nothing" mode. My mom recently passed away from cancer and here I am, in the middle of moving twice, living in a transitional home, taking myself off of Prozac, working full time with a fairly full time job on the side... and once again throwing in a strict eating plan to loose weight and it is all REALLY motivating! I have no idea why this works for me but it does!This is why I have never been able to be a stay at home mom. Often I feel guilty that I am not one of those people that can stay home with my kids. Actually I feel shame. I feel like something is wrong with me because I would prefer to do things by myself or without my kids. I know that this doesn't make me bad, I guess just different. Please do not get me wrong here... staying at home is the hardest job I have ever done. It is tough and for people who do it YOU ARE AMAZING, but I can't, I have to be working... in fact I have to be working apparently two different jobs at once ;)  I get really depressed being home. I get a lot of comments from people that it must be hard to work full time and be away from the kids and yeah there is a part of it that is tough, I miss my family, I miss the flexibility to what I want but I am going to be really honestly raw here and you might not understand it but I am a way better mom when I am not home all day. I am more patient, more loving and I appreciate my family a whole lot more.
  Once again I am reading another book by Brene` Brown about shame and how to combat that and am slowly learning that just because I think, work, am different does not make me a bad person. That I don't need to feel bad because the way I think, or am doesn't conform to everyone's standards. So with that in mind Cheers to another "all or nothing" season of life!

Do you appreciate it?

      Every weekday I badge in or key unlock 6 doors to get into work. I have to stand in a secured area and get my ID checked to enter the Secure perimeter and this is just for minimum security. If I work in max, I have to enter 12 doors just to get in. I don't think about it much as it has become completely routine in my daily life. I started thinking about this yesterday as I was leaving. Earlier in the day a co-worker said something to me that stopped my dead in my tracks. Often when you are so engrossed in an environment, you often fail to see the realness of it. There are so many things I hear or talk about on a daily basis that I NEVER EVER thought I would be talking about. I mean I work with murderers... did I ever think I would say that? NO.My co-worker, referring to a patient as I was asking her which Pandora station we should listen too during class said " you know, this is the only time of day where she gets to listen to music?" Kind of made me want to cry. Music is a HUGE part of my life, HUGE. I listen to it all the time and I cannot imagine not having access too it.
  Let me paint a little picture for you. Can you imagine having someone tell you every morning what time to get up? What time to eat breakfast? What time to go to bed? What to wear, when to shower, what pills to take? OK now, for those of us with small children, a lot of these apply but within that there is freedom to make our own choices. To hit the snooze button, to wear our pajamas, to watch movies all day or choose what kind of music we want to listen to. And, we take it for granted because it is normal for us. Now, some of you would argue that they get what they deserve. When you commit a crime, you deserve to have your rights stripped away and there is a certain part of me that agrees with you... in prison. But I work in a mental institution and I guess working with these people every day has completely changed my perspective on this. The trauma that these people have gone through it UNREAL and so incredibly heartbreaking and honestly after reading their stories... no wonder they have done what they have done. I'm not making an excuse I am just trying to create perspective.
Freedom, for anything is one of those amazing rights we have especially in this country but don't appreciate nearly often enough. Sometimes being able to fully see how little another human being has helps up appreciate it that much more. Don't get me wrong, just the other day I was complaining about our family being sick and I am not saying that you shouldn't be upset at circumstances because their are starving children in Africa. Life is all relative. Our circumstances and struggles are all relative.
For me, I know that when I walk outside today I am going to look at things a little differently, that when I pick my music I am thanking God that I get to listen to it when I want.
Freedom for anything is really beautiful!

Do as I do, not as I say :)

 So I have a tendency to run my mouth about a lot of things before I become educated on them.I am getting better about this as I get older. I used to say things about people who did stuff naturally. That they were ridiculous, that is was all this weird community of people that wanted to be different. Well, this was all before I started using essential oils. Its not that I had anything against "crunchy"" people per say, but it just annoyed me. Lame, I know.
  After both of my parents were diagnosed with cancer both my sister and I started looking into doing things naturally. I started using natural deodorant and toothpaste. This was about the extent of my "au natural" lifestyle, until I got into oils. I can't afford to be putting that crap on my body with the medical history my family has. And honestly, I love the Toms brand but as I am getting older and the more my hormones fluctuate it just isn't doing the trick... sooo I will be making my deodorant GASP! I am actually really excited about it, the more I do this stuff the more I really enjoy making my own products. Laundry detergent, hand soap, body wash and NOW deodorant. I have come a long way friends Cheers! I think starting with oils has really urged me to dig into how we can help heal our bodies naturally.
  God gave us amazing bodies, and we live in a society that pushes bandaging up our wounds with medicine... all the time. Instead of letting our bodies do what they were meant to, fighting fevers etc... we medicate.  I will be honest, I still struggle with letting my body do the work. Kaleb had a fever a couple weeks ago and I keep wanting to give him tylonal and call the dr. about a potential ear infection... but hey! His body was created to fight this!Honestly, it is still scary for me trying something new and natural because I am so programmed to think that medication is the answer. And don't get me wrong, the Dr. has its place and time and I still take Ibuprofen every once in a while and am not against all medication ( I am on two prescriptions as we speak) but I think we often underestimate the power of how well our bodies work to fight stuff on their own and I love being able to use my oils to help my combat sickness. As of yet, it is April and we (besides Kavin) have not been to the Dr. once this year. We had met our $750.00 deductible by march last year! I just saved $750 people!!!! Not to mention I know exactly what I am putting in my body, and get to smell good while doing it :)
Cheers to trying something new! If you are interested in learning more about oils I would love to talk to you because honestly they have changed our life sooo much!

The Valley

      I feel like I have been in a really long, dark valley for the last 5 years. There have been lots of amazing things that have also happened in this time. The birth of two beautiful babies, a wonderful job, these things have encouraged me and carried me through this long journey. I remember about a month after we found out that we were pregnant with Kaleb we found out that my dad had stage 4 Glioblastoma. One of the most aggressive deadliest cancers there are. There is no cure and no one has lived past 5 years. This was devastating to us. One of the only things that kept me from worrying incessantly about loosing the baby or something going horribly wrong is that I knew that God wouldn't give us that on top of what we were already dealing with. Hey, did I mention I was working two jobs, student teaching, and working on my thesis while pregnant. No biggie ;) My dad passed away after a long hard fight when Kaleb was just 8 months old. Watching him die like that was a blessing and a horrible curse. I don't wish that kind of death on anyone. Fast forward 2 years later... we were just getting back into normalcy when my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. Hey, did I mention I was about 8 months pregnant at the time?? I feel like we were hit with a mack truck. How could God play this cruel joke on us again. We were a lot more hopeful with her because the survival rate of ovarian cancer is high. She did the standard treatment, got married to her high school sweetheart during that time and then went into remission right around the time my Ruby was born. I will tell you that having two beautiful babies in the midst of this UGLY was such an incredible blessing and the timing couldn't of been more perfect. About a month before their belated honeymoon she found out that the cancer was back full force, and it soon became evident that this was eventually going to be terminal. Later that fall we took an amazing vacation to Disneyland. Fourteen of us in a huge house, it was an incredibly trip and one that we will all remember for the rest of our lives. I don't know how we would of walked through this valley without these little blessings. They kept us sane, gave us faith, gave us hope to keep going. My mom lost her battle with cancer on February 5th of this year, almost 2 months ago. There are days where I cannot believe that she is gone. 
When I look at all that has happened in the last 5 years it has been really rough. I feel like we have always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. There is a lot of fear. I am very skeptical now, kind of jaded I guess from the experience. When something good happens I am always thinking that something bad is just right around the corner. I hate that I have this thinking because it robs me of my joy. This last week, through another long journey of selling our house (way sooner than we were anticipating) and then getting our dream house (one we never thought we would have the opportunity to buy), It is like we have stepped out onto the horizon at the top of the mountain and I can actually see what is before me. A breathe of fresh air. Through this long, dark journey God has been whispering that Good things are coming and trust me when I say, there were MANY... too many to count, moments where I just couldn't see it. Where I couldn't feel it and I had a hard time trusting. I could of just stopped in the middle of the valley and sat down, given up because it was too hard, too painful to go on, but if I never got to the top of that mountain I would never know what was waiting there for me. So with the soft whispers that urged me to go forward, I continued walking in the dark. Trusting that he would come through on his promises.
Let me tell you, that it feel really, really good to start to feel the sun. To see the incredible blessing that has been promised. Hope my friends is a pretty amazing thing.

The first big thing

 You know, going into this, that the first big things are always going to be hard. You just don't know how hard they will be. Rubys birthday party was good, it wasn't that hard. I was blessed to have a really good portion of my extended family there for it which really helped.
   We recently listed out house on the market thinking it would take a few months to sold, and it sold in a week! While that is really awesome and we are incredibly grateful it is quite a shock. We are now scrambling to to find an intermediate apartment, storage units and a daycare. I miss my mom, this is when it hits hard. She always knew the right things to say. How to listen when I called crying, freaking out with irrational fears. And my dad, always knew what to do. He was able to bring up the logical point of things in a way that didn't infuriate me. This is the first BIG thing I have ever done in my life without them. I am not going to lie, I spent most of the weekend after selling our house crying. I am kind of scared shit less right now of this very transitional place. That we are somehow scarring our kids for life with all this transition, that we will be stuck in an apartment forever, that we are in WAY too far over our heads. I'm scared that we are making the WRONG decision, although I know logically that there is no "right" one.
   Sometimes being aware of Gods presence in situations like this is infuriating. By that I mean, that I feel him, we feel him and he is speaking to us. There is an every occurring message that great things are coming. And I ask? God, haven't we been through enough? Really these last 5 years have been hell, can't we have something amazing happen. And he whispers AGAIN, it will, its coming... but not yet! And I just want to raise my fists to the sky and scream profanities because I have absolutely no control over this chaos. NONE.... well maybe that is the whole point of this part of the journey.
Crap!

Sleep... what is sleep?

Sleep... ahhh this is such a beautiful word! As kids we hate it, as teenagers we relish in it and as adults it becomes a vague concept that we lust after. I remember the days where I could sleep, and I mean SLEEP: that deep, nothing wakes you up kind of sleep. It was wonderful. Maybe all that sleeping in the teen and college years prepares you for the lack of sleep you get as an adult. I don't know.
       I remember the first year and a half of being a mom, I felt, so much of the time that I was doing something wrong. That I must of been a horrible mother because of the issues we were having at our house. You see, we were blessed with this beautiful, rambunctious little boy, but boy has he given us a run for our money in the sleep department. I think that we soon realized that he was different. He held his head up the day he was born and was already tracking us with his eyes. To say he has a lot of energy... well that's an understatement. We spent most of our evenings in that first year and a half in utter stress. We tried all the methods of trying to get him to sleep. I read all the books, talked to the Drs. We tried EVERYTHING... and again and again people kept telling me that "we just needed to let him cry it out!" ummm hello! Don't you think we have tried that? I mean this in the kindest way but until you have a child like this there is just no way that you can possibly understand what this is like. I get it, I have a baby that is a great sleeper so I can see how it is so hard to understand this perspective. Our nights would consist of bouncing on the ball for hours while he screamed, and then finally bouncing him on my chest until he fell asleep and he would only stay asleep if he was snuggled right up next to me. Fast forward 3 and half years and our almost 5 year old still has these issues. As I have become more confident in my ability to be a mom and the decisions we have had to make for our family... and the massive amounts of research I have done. We have come to accept and realize that this is just the way that he is wired. We love how much his brain is always working, how incredibly kind and sweet and smart he is. This is just the way God created him, and I know as he gets older it will end up serving him for the better. The more I read and research I am comforted by the stories from other parents who have been in this place, and too felt like they were alone.
   We have tried many different remedies and medications, and tactics to make bedtime easier, and sleep consistent and it has been futile.... until recently. I started using essential oils back in October to help with the sickness in our house. Every time I have used them I have been amazed at how well they work. Trying something new, I always go into it  thinking " it isn't going to work for this!" and once again I am amazed.... so I thought I would try it for sleep. I tried playing with different oils to see what would work, at first we weren't very successful until we tried Vetiver and Cedarwood in the Diffuser. Now I am not going to tell you that these oils have fixed our problems 100%... we still don't get sleep continually at our house BUT, no joke since using this combo in our diffuser bedtime is peaceful and short. He is usually asleep within 20 minutes without screaming, getting out of bed, staying up until 10 because "he can't fall asleep". I am incredibly blessed to say that we have finally found something that works! Something that isn't harmful to his body. Something that is all natural and I could not be more happy! There is a light at the end of this long tunnel that someday   (and I think soon) we will all be sleeping peacefully through the night.

 My friends, I cannot wait for that to happen!
  

Uncomfortable

 Have I mentioned that I am not a fan of trust? AT ALL! I don't like putting my faith in someone elses hands to figure it out for me. It is just easier if I do it myself, hence why I usually have too much on my plate and why I volunteer for a lot of stuff. I love planning, because I get to know exactly what is going on on all fronts. I feel like my issue with this has really been challenged this year. So many things in limbo, so many processes going on where I have absolutely no control over the outcome. Right now we are in the process of selling our house and buying another one. The process of loosing a family member. The process of going through my families stuff. I feel like someone took all my life cards and threw them up in the air! It is frustrating. And believe me when I say that I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity to even look for a new house, the process scares me. What is we make the wrong decision? Are we spending too much? What if our house doesn't sell? I know that asking this question gets me nowhere. And all the time, in the back of my head I hear over and over again " Have faith!" " trust the process"... but I don't want to! I want to know how it is all going to end up! I kind of have to have little talks with myself OFTEN about not freaking out and just relaxing.
 I think as adults we often forget what growing feels like. When you are a kid, you get growing pains, you become moody, your sleep is interrupted. Its not a pretty process, but you have to do it. It is good for you... just like growing spiritually and in your life, it is painful, it is uncomfortable but it is good for you. In the end when all is said and done you are glad that you did it. So for now, I will just sit tight... loosen the reigns a little and try to Relax. Good thing I got a big ol' bottle of Stressaway!

TRUST

Its a five letter word. Pretty small, and everyone knows what it means but boy does it pack a punch. Wait... what? You want me to let go of my control and give it up to you??? Trust is always something I have a hard time with. I like control. I like to plan and I always love to know what is going on. My mom said that I drove them nuts as a kid, especially on vacation because of the change in structure, I struggled so hard with having control. I feel best when I know what is happening. This is a major point of self work I have had to do as I have gotten older and relying on him and leaning into God for him to lead me.
As I sit here in the midst of the dance of buying and selling a home. Feeling like the fact that I think we just found our dream house is going to be impossible. That we don't "deserve" to be this lucky. That still, small voice is reminding me that he works outside perimeters of time and space and that nothing is too big for him to handle. That if this is where we are supposed to be, then it will all work out.
Breath in, breath out. He's got this! I might, just might have to remind myself of this about every 5 seconds lol, but it is a work in progress.

Not supposed to be this way

 It's hard to watch you cry. I am only 32, almost 32 and yes way too young to loose both parents. That part isn't fair I know. But it isn't supposed to be this way. Parents are not supposed to loose their children. And as I sit their watching you, as you hold her baby dress that your mom made for her, crying  it breaks my heart. I can't imagine being in this situation with my Ruby.
 Grief is like this evil little monster. I know silly to call it that but it is. You walk around in life, get a little comfortable, start to feel safe and then bam it jumps out in front of you and you can't move. Did I think that cleaning out my moms closet today would make me this emotional? That I would be angry, irritated, sad and overwhelmed for the rest of the day? No. They are just clothes, but knowing that she will never be coming back to wear them, that is where it hurts. It's the beginning to things being final! I don't like that, not one bit. This is messy and raw and discombobbylated and for a girl that thrives on plans and order this makes me really really uncomfortable, because I don't have any control.

I choose Joy

For those of you who don't know, My middle name is Joy. I think it is pretty fitting in my life now as for the most part I am joyful. It wasn't always this way though. When I was younger I was often very negative and judgy. One of my co-workers said to me once " You're so negative" and started calling me negative Nancy. Although he was semi joking with this nickname his comment cut deep. If he thought I was negative, what did other people think? I didn't want to be considered a negative Nancy! This was a big wake up call. From then on, and a few nudges here and there from him I started to change my attitude. Every now and then he would slip a little " negative Nancy" in there as a reminder that I needed to shape up, and as a joke I would call him positive Paul. This banter back and forth lasted for about 3 years and man do I appreciate him saying this. Not then, but now I realize how thankful I am for pointing out this big flaw in me. Trust me when I say this... Choosing joy is NOT EASY.. It is continual. It is daily, it is sometimes hourly. But, for me I do not want to spend my life looking at all the things that have or are going wrong. This as a person who likes to worry about EVERYTHING is a big challenge.
I love this quote from Brene Brown because I think she explains what I do so well.

                  "Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience," Brown says. "And if
                   you cannot tolerate joy, what you do is you start dress rehearsing tragedy."
                   Dress rehearsing tragedy, she explains, is imagining something bad is going
                   to happen when in reality, nothing is wrong. "How many of you have ever
                    stood over your child while they're sleeping and thought, 'Oh my God, I
                  love you' -- and then pictured something horrific happening?" Brown asks.
                  "Or woke up in the morning and thought, 'Oh my gosh, job's going great.
                  Parents are good. This can't last."

Why is it so hard to live in the moment. Why do we doubt that it will last or that we don't deserve it? Why must it always be overshadowed by doubt or fear?

One thing this recent journey of mine is teaching me is that when I work for something that I am passionate about, despite my fear and doubt. I get to choose joy! I deserve all this awesomeness and I am proud to say that. I feel incredibly blessed to be on this journey. The women I have met, the peoples lives I am helping change and I am just so excited about it. March hasn't even started yet and I cannot wait for all the joy this month has to bring!!!

The missing

I miss you the most on the drive to and from work. That is usually when we would talk on the phone and I catch myself wanting to dial your number. It is a strange physical reaction that my brain has to catch up to.. like oh wait I can't do that. I find myself doing that more and more. I had my first post death dream last night. It wasn't the kind that we all long for where we really feel your presence. You were giving me advice, lol. I hate that this comes in waves. I just hate it. Thats all

Healing

I was laying with Kaleb tonight in his bed and he was very tired which usually means extra emotional. He was very weepy and as we laid there in the dark we started talking about what was bothering him.
" I miss Oma." thru Tears.
 Yeah me too buddy. So many questions about death and how we get to heaven and I just have no idea how to answer them all. I asked him what he missed the most and he said "talking to her and her songs." So we laid there in the dark and I sang " You are my sunshine" one of her favorites to sing to me as child, one of the last songs I sang to her before she died and one of the ones she sang to Kaleb and Ru all the time. Wow.. I have been so numb these last two weeks. Literally no feelings at all. I haven't been sad or mad or anything like that. It amazes me as I let myself be really, really vulnerable with my son there in the dark, missing Oma, how I started to feel. How I let myself feel and we cried together. Sometimes I am blown away how the sweet vulnerability of a child can unravel us. It all comes easy to them, too easy. They haven't learned to hold it back or built a wall to not feel.
I am incredibly thankful for this moment because it helped me let it out, even though it was painful. I know that through this it is showing my son that "showing ourselves" is not a bad thing. That "feeling" is OK, and good, that we will be better for it. And when we let ourselves feel it, I mean really feel it.. all out ugly, don't make a sound cry, that is when the healing comes.

Grace

I am not great about giving myself grace. I am really hard on myself. I see every mis-step as a failure and it is really, really hard for me to be less than what I expect for myself. Needless to say I am always falling short, because I expect a lot. Not the most fun way to live. I am really having to practice the art of giving myself grace in this season of my life. While at counseling yesterday my counselor told me that I am not going to be my normal self for a while. Ewww. I really don't like that. Most days I feel kind of like a dog surrounded by squirrels. Unable to concentrate on anything, easily overwhelmed; someone asking me to make a decision is hard. I can't focus and I'm not all here. I don't want to not be my regular Emily self. I want things to be normal, and yeah I know there is no such thing. But I don't like this place of being easily deterred or distracted. Grief is strange that way. It might not present itself in sadness but in the inability to be fully present. To have a really hard time with every day life. I remember my mom explaining this after my dad died, that little things like going to the grocery store were hard, or committing to an engagement because everything was overwhelming. I now know exactly what she means. I was doing some reading today on what it means to give yourself grace and came upon this....

Truly giving yourself grace isn’t about giving yourself anything. It’s about being open to His grace and fully accepting it, not just for the big hurdles, but for the tiny every day stumbles.
All the glory is His alone, and all true grace comes from Him alone.

Numb

I am numb. I still can't really believe that she is gone. I keep catching myself thinking of things that I need to ask her or tell her and then realize that she won't be here to answer them anymore. It is surreal. In a way, I lost my mom a while ago. The same things happened with my dad after his first brain surgery. Cancer has a way of stripping you bare. No matter how hard you try, there are parts of you that you never get back. Cancer ravaged her body down to nothing, and yes my moms soul was still here, she was still with us but not really with us. We have prepped at least as much as we could for this for a long time. We knew it was coming, although there is no way you can prepare for the finality of it. Is it normal that we are feeling numb? That there is lack of feeling? We keep asking ourselves this question and I think it is "normal", if there even is a normal. I once had someone tell me that "normal" is just a setting on the dryer.
Thinking about how quickly our body can strip us makes me think that is it odd that God would give us such fragile weak bodies to contain such strong souls. In the blink of an eye one wrong move, one precise injury, one small cell can end it all. It seems silly really. You would think that he would want to protect his precious cargo with steel. A body of armor. However thinking further here, maybe that was the whole purpose from the beginning. This fragile , weak body as a subtle reminder that this is not our home. That we weren't made for this and our bodies failing us is just one of the transitions we make on our way to our real home. After all, his design was perfect even if we don't understand it.

Day 4

     I don't like this... one... single... bit. If you ask me how I am doing I will say "fine" or sometimes "good" depending on the hour of the day, and granted the more I have to do the better I feel but it is really such a loaded question. And trust me this is always the first question out of my mouth because we just don't know what to say in times like this. It is hard to answer. Today I think it has really hit me, ahhh yes, I remember this feeling well. Depression, not a welcome friend in my house. I remember this after I had my two babies and certainly when my dad passed away. The being EXAUSTED ALL THE TIME, not having the motivation to do anything and disengaging. And I am perfectly aware that this is what is happening but can't really stop it. It is overwhelming and there isn't anything I can do to make it go away. IT SUCKS! Major. I know many things that help, writing like I am doing now, crying which is hard to come by at times, exercising... not my favorite. I also know it won't always feel like this. That there will be plenty of good days. That the Sun always shines even when we are in the darkest places, we just might not be able to see it as well.
   I know many of you are wondering how you can help and I know I speak for my whole family when I say this. Your prayers, thoughts and gestures of kindness are helping carry us. Keep doing what you are doing, truly it means sooooooooooo much.
Love to all of you reading this!
Em