Unglued

This weeks therapy session unglued me. I was so emotionally exhausted afterwards, all I wanted to do was sleep. I spent most of the session crying, and if you know me that isn't something I like doing... like EVER! Something about crying is so humiliating to me when it comes to personal stuff because if you see me crying at a movie, no biggie, or with a friend or even seeing someone cry it doesn't bother me. But lets pull out that vulnerability card and I am just not good with it.I want to be strong. I want to have it all together. Lets be honest here.. I don't. I mean, no one does but I REALLY don't right now. It takes all my energy just to function right now. No wonder I am exhausted and cranky all the time. I remember too vividly after my dad died, my mom telling me that it was so hard just to go to the grocery store and I didn't understand that kind of grief. I could empathize, but I didn't understand...until now.

I am going to be honest. Right now, I HATE when people ask me how I am doing. It is such a loaded question and if you are reading this don't feel bad. It is always the first thing out of our mouth and it is just what we do here in our society.I just don't know how to answer it. Most people don't want to hear how shitty I am feeling. How depressed I am or how I feel like I can't keep it together, much less see my cry. So I say I am good and I smile. I hate lying but I am not really sure what else to do. I feel flat out shame that my life is a mess right now and that I don't have everything put together in their nice little boxes. Hearing that thought come out of my brain right now makes me laugh, because that is ridiculously unrealistic. My therapist said to me the other day " What you have and are going through right now would crush most people, and the fact that you can even talk about it like you do is a really good sign. GIVE YOURSELF SOME GRACE". We all know I am not good with that. Part of the perfectionist in me, but something I am working on.

I don't talk about it with anyone except my husband but the reality that both my parents aren't here anymore is crushing. It is lonely and trying to figure out what the structure of my family is, is overwhelming. I miss what my family used to look like before my dad got sick. I'm sad. And, I feel responsible as the oldest to try to put it back together. The honest truth, the hard truth though is that no matter how hard I try to put it back together, I can't. We have to start over because the foundation that made our family is gone. Going back to my house that I grew up in is really hard too because the people that made it home are gone. Now it is just stuff. It doesn't mean anything, it doesn't feel the same because the life that made it isn't there.

Writing has helped me so much. It is the one thing I can do that lets me get it all out even if it doesn't make sense. I am thankful for you who read it, who encourage me, love on me and support me through this hard stage when you probably don't know what to do! For that, Thank you!

Love,

Em