Psalm 139:14

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Tears

I'm not good with letting myself feel it. I usually try to avoid it all by keeping me myself busy, usually by cleaning something which is exactly what I did when I got home from work tonight. Deep clean mania. It took a 2 year old throwing ANOTHER MASSIVE tantrum for me to loose it and I decided that I just needed to think of all the things that were pissing me off and making me sad, and just let the tears come.. And then the sobs. I know it's good for me, I know that but feeling this way is awful. I am so lonely and I really hate admitting that but I am. Yet at the same time I don't want to be around anyone because I have to pretend to be happy, to be ok and I'm not. Most of the time I just feel like telling everyone to fuck off. This isn't me, you know that. I am easy going, kind, gentle and love people but this stage of whatever the F(I will keep my swearing to a minimum here) this is, is overtaking me. I miss my mom so much. Just talking to her on the phone about our days and I know there are so many people that will do that for me but it's not the same. She got everything about me and nothing can replace that.
My therapist told me something the other day that pissed me off. He said " what you are waking through is rich." Wtf? I almost punched him. Rich? What this is does not feel like a rich experience. After thinking about it I get it. This is molding me, changing me and change is hard. It hurts, it's painful and I know EVENTUALLY even though it is nowhere in my sight line I will look back on this and be thankful for parts. For the growth, the lessons, the grace. I just can't see it right now.

Also I wanted to clarify after thinking about this post this morning. I don't want it to seem like I hate my life, that I am unthankful or that there is nothing good happening. NOT THE CASE AT ALL. Grief and depressions just have this overlay that goes over the top of it. There are lots of great things happening in life, things I am excited about or enjoy but at the same time there is also a sadness that blankets that. Its very hard to explain if you haven't experienced it

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2 comments:

  1. UnknownJuly 8, 2015 at 10:34 PM

    Amazing how many details of our journeys are alike but just not the same time sequencing. It is fine to tell us that it is rich and an experience that will have rich results someday. What about today? What about in the next hour? What about in the hour just past?

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  2. Emily BlantonJuly 9, 2015 at 7:35 AM

    so true Grandma. Although at this point I don't really feel like I am experiencing anything rich from this grief. Are there great things in my life right now, yes, my family, my new house, my friends but in this journey I just don't see any of it yet.

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