You know, going into this, that the first big things are always going to be hard. You just don't know how hard they will be. Rubys birthday party was good, it wasn't that hard. I was blessed to have a really good portion of my extended family there for it which really helped.
We recently listed out house on the market thinking it would take a few months to sold, and it sold in a week! While that is really awesome and we are incredibly grateful it is quite a shock. We are now scrambling to to find an intermediate apartment, storage units and a daycare. I miss my mom, this is when it hits hard. She always knew the right things to say. How to listen when I called crying, freaking out with irrational fears. And my dad, always knew what to do. He was able to bring up the logical point of things in a way that didn't infuriate me. This is the first BIG thing I have ever done in my life without them. I am not going to lie, I spent most of the weekend after selling our house crying. I am kind of scared shit less right now of this very transitional place. That we are somehow scarring our kids for life with all this transition, that we will be stuck in an apartment forever, that we are in WAY too far over our heads. I'm scared that we are making the WRONG decision, although I know logically that there is no "right" one.
Sometimes being aware of Gods presence in situations like this is infuriating. By that I mean, that I feel him, we feel him and he is speaking to us. There is an every occurring message that great things are coming. And I ask? God, haven't we been through enough? Really these last 5 years have been hell, can't we have something amazing happen. And he whispers AGAIN, it will, its coming... but not yet! And I just want to raise my fists to the sky and scream profanities because I have absolutely no control over this chaos. NONE.... well maybe that is the whole point of this part of the journey.
Crap!
One step that really helped me in this area of my life was a statement from a friend - "What if He just said to you, I'm letting go. Now you have all the control." Now that is one to scare a person shitless.
ReplyDeleteYeah, crap! Yet he has brought you through so much during the past five years, and I can't imagine him saying to you, "Well, Emily, I brought you through all the other stuff, but I'm done now. I'm not gonna do it anymore. You're on your own."
ReplyDeleteHe won't let you down during this time, either. He will find you the right house, your kids won't be scarred by apartment living for a bit, and you'll find amazing in all of it.