The Valley

      I feel like I have been in a really long, dark valley for the last 5 years. There have been lots of amazing things that have also happened in this time. The birth of two beautiful babies, a wonderful job, these things have encouraged me and carried me through this long journey. I remember about a month after we found out that we were pregnant with Kaleb we found out that my dad had stage 4 Glioblastoma. One of the most aggressive deadliest cancers there are. There is no cure and no one has lived past 5 years. This was devastating to us. One of the only things that kept me from worrying incessantly about loosing the baby or something going horribly wrong is that I knew that God wouldn't give us that on top of what we were already dealing with. Hey, did I mention I was working two jobs, student teaching, and working on my thesis while pregnant. No biggie ;) My dad passed away after a long hard fight when Kaleb was just 8 months old. Watching him die like that was a blessing and a horrible curse. I don't wish that kind of death on anyone. Fast forward 2 years later... we were just getting back into normalcy when my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. Hey, did I mention I was about 8 months pregnant at the time?? I feel like we were hit with a mack truck. How could God play this cruel joke on us again. We were a lot more hopeful with her because the survival rate of ovarian cancer is high. She did the standard treatment, got married to her high school sweetheart during that time and then went into remission right around the time my Ruby was born. I will tell you that having two beautiful babies in the midst of this UGLY was such an incredible blessing and the timing couldn't of been more perfect. About a month before their belated honeymoon she found out that the cancer was back full force, and it soon became evident that this was eventually going to be terminal. Later that fall we took an amazing vacation to Disneyland. Fourteen of us in a huge house, it was an incredibly trip and one that we will all remember for the rest of our lives. I don't know how we would of walked through this valley without these little blessings. They kept us sane, gave us faith, gave us hope to keep going. My mom lost her battle with cancer on February 5th of this year, almost 2 months ago. There are days where I cannot believe that she is gone. 
When I look at all that has happened in the last 5 years it has been really rough. I feel like we have always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. There is a lot of fear. I am very skeptical now, kind of jaded I guess from the experience. When something good happens I am always thinking that something bad is just right around the corner. I hate that I have this thinking because it robs me of my joy. This last week, through another long journey of selling our house (way sooner than we were anticipating) and then getting our dream house (one we never thought we would have the opportunity to buy), It is like we have stepped out onto the horizon at the top of the mountain and I can actually see what is before me. A breathe of fresh air. Through this long, dark journey God has been whispering that Good things are coming and trust me when I say, there were MANY... too many to count, moments where I just couldn't see it. Where I couldn't feel it and I had a hard time trusting. I could of just stopped in the middle of the valley and sat down, given up because it was too hard, too painful to go on, but if I never got to the top of that mountain I would never know what was waiting there for me. So with the soft whispers that urged me to go forward, I continued walking in the dark. Trusting that he would come through on his promises.
Let me tell you, that it feel really, really good to start to feel the sun. To see the incredible blessing that has been promised. Hope my friends is a pretty amazing thing.