Sometimes I think that my friends and family think I am nuts... Unstable. I will admit that I feel quite bipolar these days. It doesn't take much to make me angry, I cry at the drop of a hat, get easily offended and let's not even talk about getting overwhelmed. Friends, let me introduce you to my little, not so friend, friend: grief. I am still learning that this is what this is. We are a little over four months in and instead of it getting easier it gets harder. It's hard to explain, I'm not sad all the time but it's there just in other ways. I am doing my best to hold it together but it doesn't take much to get me unglued and I hate it. I hate not being in control. I hate that a bill that is larger than normal or the Internet not working sends me over the edge. THIS is not a place where I want to be, but I don't have a choice. I don't get to choose when to grieve, if just kind of sneaks up on you and after a few days of very strange behavior you are like " oh yeah... There you are! I remember you!"
I find it interesting that about a month or so after someone passes all the people that were there during and right after kind of fade away. I'm not saying this as a criticism, it is just kind of the nature of how we do things, but when it comes down to it, this is when we need you most. Months in when it really starts to settle, the first Christmas, big holidays. Grief is EXHAUSTING, and lonely.
I just needed to write.
This is attempt 4. OMG. iPad jail. Dear to my heart em. Call anytime. Still praying thinking about you & family. Call anytime. Would love to meet @HV park with H,H, H & grandkids if you are coming to town with extra time to spend. I have extra rooms & beds. Would be great if we could coordinate w/Sara & your g.ma too. Much love, laurie
ReplyDeleteOk, I made the post but forgot to, this is a beautiful website and I admit this is first time I have read it. You have your mother's flair,.
ReplyDeleteI am surprised over and over how unpredictable this whole journey can be. Yesterday a touching story about being an Afghan refugee completely undid me - I haven't felt much of anything the previous few days. Finding time for a grief recovery group is hard when I have no energy for anything but it is a life saver to be with others having the same experiences. Blogging where you can just blurt it out is a good thing.
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