Writing has always been cathartic for me. Always my favorite classes in high school, and at one point I wanted to get my degree in writing and literature. Writing a book has been on my bucket list and until the last year or so, even though I like writing, I didn't do it much. However with everything that has happened this last year writing has helped me tremendously. Sometimes the only way to get all the chaos out of my head is just to write it down.
I'm going to be pretty vulnerable here. This month has been rough, really rough. Most days I am one VERY small step from bursting into tears. There are times when I feel like walking away because being a mom shouldn't be there hard, and nobody talks about it. I mean REALLY talks about it. This last month has consisted of constant screaming, tantrums over "nothing", anxiety, crying, whining... you name it. The noise alone, dear lord and I am not complaining in the sense that I am ungrateful because I'm not. I am just worn out. It makes me feel like a horrible mom not to be able to fix all this hard for my kids. That maybe, I am doing something wrong. My mom was always so good about this, just listening as I cried into the phone knowing exactly what it was like and telling me that this is ALL NORMAL. That I am doing fine and that my kids won't be scarred for life, but she isn't here to say that. Sometimes, and I am going to be honest I feel like out culture is so directed on fixing the problem instead of listening and we as mothers especially feel such pressure to put on a good front, we aren't even honest with those in the same boat. You know what that creates? Isolation and judgement. I don't know, maybe other moms don't need to talk about it? or maybe they don't want to and that is ok. I am really thankful for the handful of friends I have that are honest about it. About the hard, that don't judge me or tell me to put on a happy face when I am feeling overwhelmed, the ones that are REAL with me. That is what life is about.
If you are in the same boat as me right now and you are feeling like it is all too much. That you aren't doing a good job... know that there is someone else that is right there with you and I am willing to talk about it if you ever want to. Open the door.
You have two very young children who are sensitive to your emotions. That is true for almost every mom in the world and for nearly every child. You are in the process of not just one move, but two. You set extremely high standards for your own performance - not a bad thing but a sometimes draining thing. And you have lost your mother not quite four months ago and your dad can't come to your side because you have lost him, too. Can you take a day off and go get a pedicure with a friend? One of the good, but hard, things about blogging is it is a lot like being a pioneer. You say the hard things first and sometimes others will follow. I am having the same experience in my grief recovery group. Everyone just practices being nice so I say the really hard stuff and then all hell breaks loose and people start getting real. I'm also a good listener, in person or by phone. Love you. Grandma.
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