Phase 2

These last few weeks have been really tough. I don't know if it is that mothers day is approaching, or that I am going through a significant life change and they aren't here but find myself thinking about them all the time.  It as almost as if at this three month mark the fog has finally lifted. I am finally starting to feel, and I don't like it. All this avoiding it has caused a lot of stress, a lot of pounds, a lot of crankiness but not sadness. For the first three months I felt nothing. I guess every once in a while I would feel little bit sad. It made me wonder what was wrong with me. How could I not be sad that my mom, one of my best friends just died. In fact, her passing made me miss my dad a lot. As of late I am on the verge of tears often, I think about them in everything. Ache for them to be there, to see my kids and how much they have grown or even meet them for the first time. Share with them the exciting things that are happening in my life. 
 I had a dream last night that we had moved into our new house and my mom was helping me cook. My dad came over and showed me this video on his phone of him and Ruby goofing around and laughing. I remember his voice as clear as day. I knew in the dream that there was no way this was possible since he never met her, it was very confusing. Although, now that I am awake it all makes sense. Another way for my brain to process what is going on right now.
I am 32, a grown adult with my own family, but it doesn't matter how old you get, you don't outgrow needing your parents. In a way I am on my own, my siblings are the only ones that know EXACTLY what I am going through. We are having to redefine what a family unit looks like. I know that Christmas will be a big adjustment this year that I am not looking forward to.
My Grandma got me this Angel Catcher Grief Journal for my birthday last week and at first I thought it was a cool idea but I didn't know if I would really use it. I wrote in it for the first time today and processing a memory is incredibly painful, one of her last I didn't even want to think about it. Looking at pictures of her makes me physically sick and thinking about how sick she was makes me want to cringe but I know that in order to get through this stage I HAVE to feel it. I have to, I don't have the choice of just walking around and numbing my pain... well I guess I do but I know that is only going to bring on the pounds, bitterness and misplaced frustration.
For now, I am thankful for my incredible family, supportive friends who just listen and good places to cry.