All or nothing

     I am an all or nothing kind of person. I was thinking about this the other day when I was trying to figure out why there are these chunks of my life where I have it all together and then these other parts that ( in my mind) are a total mess. So I started to analyze the "put together" parts and came to the realization that when I feel successful, when I am successful and going full bore it is because I don't do anything half assed. I don't mean that in a way that toots my own horn, or that I am SOOO amazing. I mean it in a way that when I am really successful in my life I am super busy. A great example of this was about 4 years ago, my dad was in the middle of loosing his fight with cancer, I was going to school full time, working on my thesis, working two jobs and pregnant... hey lets throw in a strict eating plan to that and VOILA! I lost 35 lbs. My brain is so strange that the more I have on my plate the better organized and successful I am. This is probably why I constantly have a million things going on in my life at once ha ha ha. Trust me this is not all great because I can't really relax... I don't know how. Its a real problem.
   I am at a point right now where I am in "all or nothing" mode. My mom recently passed away from cancer and here I am, in the middle of moving twice, living in a transitional home, taking myself off of Prozac, working full time with a fairly full time job on the side... and once again throwing in a strict eating plan to loose weight and it is all REALLY motivating! I have no idea why this works for me but it does!This is why I have never been able to be a stay at home mom. Often I feel guilty that I am not one of those people that can stay home with my kids. Actually I feel shame. I feel like something is wrong with me because I would prefer to do things by myself or without my kids. I know that this doesn't make me bad, I guess just different. Please do not get me wrong here... staying at home is the hardest job I have ever done. It is tough and for people who do it YOU ARE AMAZING, but I can't, I have to be working... in fact I have to be working apparently two different jobs at once ;)  I get really depressed being home. I get a lot of comments from people that it must be hard to work full time and be away from the kids and yeah there is a part of it that is tough, I miss my family, I miss the flexibility to what I want but I am going to be really honestly raw here and you might not understand it but I am a way better mom when I am not home all day. I am more patient, more loving and I appreciate my family a whole lot more.
  Once again I am reading another book by Brene` Brown about shame and how to combat that and am slowly learning that just because I think, work, am different does not make me a bad person. That I don't need to feel bad because the way I think, or am doesn't conform to everyone's standards. So with that in mind Cheers to another "all or nothing" season of life!