Grief and the tides of change.

      As we enter my absolute favorite season and the weather starts to change so many feelings come with it! There is something that Fall does to my soul that is so filling, its hard to explain. Fall to me, means family, hunkering down and enjoying those around you. Blankets, pumpkin everything, hearty meals and baked goods. All the things I grew up with. It was also my moms favorite time of year.
     The change in seasons always brings up so many feelings of missed family. Loneliness as I still am trying to navigate what life without parents looks like. I often feel very alone like I am doing this life by myself (ourselves with my husband I mean). The redefinition of family has and is interesting. What do my traditions look like? Do I still have them or make my own? Honestly, putting energy into this area is overwhelming. Don't even get me started on Christmas because that just makes me want to cry.  
     I have my own family now, and we are building what these seasons and holidays look like for us, but to be honest I am a creature of comfort and don't want to do it on my own. I want what I had. I don't even know where to start with creating my own because when I do, it doesn't feel the same and I find myself being disappointed and drained. 
    Grief is a strange bird. Truly I don't know how to explain it most of the time. How it just knocks you out of thin air. How it presents itself in the weirdest situations and brings up feelings you didn't even know you had. 
   So for all of you who are experiencing grief during these seasons of change, I am right there with you <3 <3  

I work for a wellness Company....

   I work for a health and wellness company... and I'm overweight. Yep I said it and I'm about to get real with you...ok lets be honest I am pretty real all of the time lol. 

   I do work for a health and wellness company, for two and a half years and it has completely flipped my world upside down. Young Living Essential oils have changed the way I look at life in every aspect. We have become a chemically free home to the best of our ability in these two years. We have changed the way we look at health and medicine and so much more. But yeah, I am still overweight. This post might be a little too real for some people but I really felt that I needed to write it.

   See I struggle with this black and white mentality in life that if I just ..... then ____. Ha! Not how it works. I struggle with an Autoimmune disorder that makes it really hard to loose weight BUT also I really struggle with food. It is my addiction of choice. Sometimes I think that people discount what I am saying because I don't "look the part" when in fact, for me my struggle in this area shows how human I am. That I don't need to be "perfect" (hardly) to run a successful business. That although my weight and physical health is a priority that I don't need to be "skinny" to run my own business.  This is a mentality that I struggle with daily.

  I know that God set this opportunity in front of me. That he called me to be here in all my glory. In my life that is messy and un-perfect and HUMAN. I will continue to fight that mentality and keep learning how to embrace the parts of my life that need work 

Psalms 139:14

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well. 

Judgement isn't a bad thing

       I was talking to a friend the other day about this. This is an area of my life that I am VERY hard on myself. See, I am an INFJ (Introvert, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging). See that last word gets me all riled up a little bit, OK a lot. I don't like it. Does it make me feel better that my judging percentage is 87%?? Nope, not at all! This is where my analytical part and emotional part of my brain are at a constant battle. I often think in very black and white. I am also a very caring, considerate and can easily see the other side of things kind of person. Can you see the tension here? 
  I am quick to Judge. Quick to make a decision about something. This part of my brain is very black and white.
* Judgement: the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.
This is something we all do. We do it daily. What to wear... what to eat... whether to say yes to something..what feels right to us. This is not wrong! In fact this is how God made us. Now, he might of made some of us with a stronger Judgement than others but we all do it.
Where is gets tricky is when Judgement turns to Judgemental. 
* Judgemental:having or displaying an excessively critical point of view. 
Being judgemental is making that quick judgement and instead of processing through it we stay there. We don't look at the other point of view. We don't look at possibilities that affect that outcome. Man when I am angry or heated about something how easy it is for me to get stuck in this place. I have had to, continue to train my brain to try to see the other perspective. I have had to train my mouth not to speak my initial thought because it usually takes me much processing to see something differently. I am thankful that my job has taught me A TON about this and putting it into practice <3  
Now, I am still a HUGE work in progress but my goal is to look at my high Judgement as an asset in my ability to make decisions and stand firm in what I believe instead of a negative aspect <3 <3  

Clarity

Sometimes Clarity can be beautiful. Sometime clarity can be gut wrenching. I feel like I am going through a season of heartbreaking clarity. I’ve said before that I thought that 2017 was going to be a year of going all in. I did not think that God would be asking me to go all in, in the way that he has been and not going to lie. There are aspects of this messy journey that are painful, very painful and exposed.

I have decided that I am going to start to write about my parent’s journey with Cancer and death. I have not given this enough credit. I have not acknowledged it enough. I have spent 5 years stuffing the trauma and grief from my dad’s death and 2 years for my mom’s. I lost both of my parents to cancer at the age of 52; 4 years apart. Event typing that sentence makes the wave of emotion in me surge. Sometimes that wave completely drowns me if I let it. Often I try to pretend it’s not there and I find myself completely numb.

See, my parents didn’t just get Cancer and die. They slowly died from cancer. For my dad it took a little over a year and for my mom about two. I hope that that is the most traumatic thing that I ever have to go through because watching your parent deteriorate to nothing is something I would wish on NO ONE.

It is easy for me to say “It happened” and life goes on. I mean in a way life has to go on. I have a full time job, a full time Oils business and two beautiful children. It has to go on. I have let myself get caught up in “getting on with it” to the point that I never have dealt with it. I have to now. I don’t know why NOW is the time, but it is. I refuse to live like this any longer. Half a spectator to my own life that I won’t engage in because it’s not safe. And half too overwhelmed to engage because it hurts too much. Cancer didn’t just ROB me of both my parents. It didn’t just rob my brothers and sisters of a mom and dad or my kids of their grandparents. It took so much more from me. It took my safety net. I took what felt like protection away from me. It robbed me of the births of my children I imagined, the college graduation I had hoped for and many other events I have experienced and will continue too… without them.

I don’t give it enough credit. It’s not that CANCER needs credit. But the experience of how CANCER has affected me needs credit. I have to acknowledge that it was/is a BIG thing. That what we went through was a big thing because if I don’t, well I am not sure what will happen but I do know it’s not good for me not too.

Putin Free and Lovin it!

Ok! Now if you opened this link thinking I was going to go on a rant about Vladimir Putin. Wrong! We're here to talk a little bit about Gluten! My almost 4 year old Calls it Putin (evil just like the Dictator) she came up with that all on her own. There is no coincidence ;)

About two weeks ago we pulled her off of Gluten. This was a last resort for us. We had tried everything. I had read all the books, tried different strategies and I had even talked to Early Intervention specialist and a therapist about the possibility of a a brain disorder. See, Ruby had been having meltdowns; I am talking meltdowns not tantrums, at home for about a year and a half. I remember the first time she had one. In the middle of the tram line at Disneyland. It was 100 degrees outside, only one tram was running, about 1000 people (at least it felt like it) were waiting for it and she lost it. It was HORRIBLE. The meltdowns continued. Sometimes multiple times a day. It was exhausting and I started getting anxiety on my way home from work, knowing that our evening could be very rough. I didn't want to come home. To be honest I didn't even want to be around my daughter.
As a mom. I felt like a failure. Feeling that feeling about your own child is awful. It comes with a heavy weight. I felt like as a family, we were failing and that there was something seriously wrong and I didn't have any clue how to fix it. Her ability to process information and express her emotions was stunted.

Fast Forward to two weeks ago. I think I was finally able to open up my ears enough to actually listen. Yeah, sometimes I can be stubborn ;) And decided lets just give it a try and see what happens. We will give it two weeks and if we don't see a change then we can go back to eating regularly. 
I started to notice a difference in two days. I thought " this has to be a fluke" "this is just wishful thinking" but nevertheless I persisted (see what I did there) Honestly though, we had two days of no meltdowns, the keratosis on her arms was starting to fade and her Eczema was going away. This was a new Years Miracle! Here we are, right now her arms are clear, her eczema is almost completely gone and she is Happy. This is the part that makes me teary. Guys, she is happy! It is like my little girl is finally coming out. Before we got little glimpses of who she was when she was feeling good, but that was so often overshadowed by anger, meltdowns and violence. She is a like a completely different person and I feel like I am finally able to start connecting with her the way I have been wanting. Just last night she started to meltdown a little bit and within minutes she said " My Feelings are hurt because someone called me yucky at school today." In the past getting to the point of her being able to say that would of taken 45 minutes. 
We are completely overjoyed and I will shout it from the ROOFTOPS! We feel peace. Our family is working better. The stress is melting away daily and it feels sooo good! <3 <3 
 * I know that Gluten free isn't the answer for everything but I know for us, for her; for now this is the answer.

Here are some foods we have tried that we really like as a family
- Anything by Wholesome Chow ( Amazon or LifeSource)
- Any Bobs Red Mill mixes ( you can get these anywhere)
- Bobs Red mill Gluten Free Oats ( Lifesource)
- Trader Joes Gluten Free Pizza Crust
- Pamela's Products especially the graham crackers ( LifeSource)
- Betty Crocker gluten free brownies
- Lara Bars
- Franz Gluten free bread - Mountain white (because Kaleb still thinks its regular bread)
- Annies Gluten Free Pasta boxes. Or what I do with the old boxes we have, is swap out GF noodles and still use the sauce packets.

Cheers for BIG victories!

Waking Up

      I chose some words as inspiration for my Business this year, ALL IN. What I didn't know that God would be challenging me in this from the get go in a hard hard way. I thought " Yeah! I am going to go all in, be overwhelmed in a blessed way by this business" Apparently God had other plans because he is definitely putting me to the test in so many other areas of my life and I'm going to be frank here. I don't like it!
     I have noticed that throughout my life a message has been relayed to me. Whether intentional or not I have been shown over and over again that my feelings aren't ok unless they are agreeable. Insert massive people pleaser here. If I agreed enough then all was ok. My first boyfriend even broke up with me saying that I was "too emotional for him". These left scars on my heart and continued to paint this picture that my feelings were too big for this world and they shouldn't be shared. This point in my life is where I subsequently started to gain weight. 
   I have spent the last 15 years playing nice and keeping my emotions to myself because in truth I have felt that there was no place for them to be held, that only I could do that. That is a crushing weight to bear. The weight kept piling up, and my lack of connection to that correlation has been evident. 
    I stumbled upon this artist last month and in Godly fashion as he always does, he started to speak to me through the music. He knows that this is my medium. Its where I gain inspiration, come to revelation and am moved. This artist is blowing me out of the water because I feel like her music is speaking so heavily into my life right now I can't explain it.
   I feel like for the first time, I am waking up. I am waking up to heavy emotions that have been buried through years of hiding. Heavy emotions from loosing two parents in 5 years and loosing my sister and so many other things. I am not going to lie, this is an ugly place. A CRUSHING place. It feels incredibly isolating and lonely, but I also know this. That God does not take you through the dessert to just leave you there. He will be walking right beside me through all of this, even thought it feels so heavy, like this numb veil is starting to lift, I know that incredible blessings will be coming from this place. 

When you are feeling like you're not enough...

   I love the Holidays, like LOVE! I kind of wish that they would last all year, but not really because then it wouldn't be as magical. Growing up my parents made Christmas (also their favorite time of year) the most magical experience. So many traditions, feelings, smells and experiences. The whole month was filled with Tradition.
    Since their death, Christmas has been bitter sweet. I still love it, I really do, but I find this hole there where I find myself trying to recreate the magic and its not the same... because the magic came from them. The magic came from that house, the house that isn't ours anymore. The house that doesn't feel like home. Now, I find myself in this place where I get to create these new memories and traditions for my family because what we used to celebrate just feels different. This is both exciting and sad at the same time. 
   I put a lot of pressure on myself to make it perfect. Christmas has to be perfect, because growing up it was! I find myself saying a lot " Am I doing enough?" " Is this enough?" "Will my kids find this all so magical?" and I find myself (in my eyes) falling short because hello I am a working mom, who teaches piano lessons and runs a side business and we have basketball practises and man I could keep going, so dear lord you think I have set my expectations a little too high? 
So today, I'm going to take a deep breath and focus on what I have right now and instead of feeling guilty that we didn't make 1500 cookies (yeah we used to do that), or that I didn't decorate all the way for Christmas or do a bunch of other activities because we don't have time.... I am going to focus on making what we do have magical, and also clean sheets and a made bed on Christmas eve because that is a must!

swallowed whole

    Sometimes I feel like I am being swallowed whole. That the heaviness that crowds my heart is crushing me, and my mantra in this is "this is just temporary". That although it feels this way, it in fact wont crush me. That I will be able to walk out of this fog at some point. 
   See, depression doesn't affect me like most people. For me I see everything through this lens of negativity. I am uber sensitive to my relationships and start second guessing everything. I am really critical of myself and others. Its ugly and I hate it. I almost wish I was sad but instead I get really angry.
    Depression and anxiety are so silent and isolating, yet I know so many people who struggle daily with this. Lets do each other a favor and #refusetobesilent

Spirited

 I'm in a particularly challenging part of parenting. There are times, ok lets be honest here... most of the time I feel like an utter failure. Like God didn't know what he was doing when he gave me these two wonderful but very challenging children. Maybe I don't have good enough skills to be their mom. I know speaking those thoughts out loud is utter ridiculousness but it still goes through my mind often. This job that completely challenges me on every level and shows me all the things that I am not good at, all the areas that I need to work in, and all the things that I need to do to grow. It makes me feel like I am not doing it right. As a mom of two very lovable, hilariously funny, beautiful, kind, exasperatingly challenging strong willed children I am exhausted all the time. Emotionally and physically spent. Just plain tired. Sometimes its really hard not to look at my friends whose kids can go to a birthday party and hot have an epic meltdown afterwords or do something outsides of the normal routine and not have massive anxiety or get completely overstimulated. I envy that because all of what I just said is our norm. 
     I know that having strong willed spirited kids is a blessing. I really do, see I am one too so I know the awesome blessings that come with this personality and I see how these traits are going to serve and strengthen them as they get older. But, in the mean time when even leaving the house is a challenge and battle, its hard to look to the flowers that are going to bloom from these seeds that we are planting. 
I don't know about you, but I don't often talk much about this because they are often met with such misunderstanding, judgement about our parenting skills and what we are doing wrong and a lack of empathy. I am sure if you have kids in this boat you have probably experienced the same at some point. So, for those of you have have a friend in your life who has children that are strong willed, please extend them lots of grace. Don't be judgemental about lack of parenting or their inability to discipline their kids or that their kids are too sensitive or naughty. 
God wired these children this way for a reason and he knew the parents that would be perfect to handle these behaviors    (even if we don't trust ourselves in that). What we really need is a community of people that can stroke our hair when we curl up and cry and people to love on us without judgement.

We're all fine here

 At best, I am functioning at 50%, yes my house is clean, my life is organized and I might look to some, or not that I have it all together but I promise I don't. I want to try to explain grief as best as I can and it is very different to each person, but for me its like looking through a veil. My eyes work fine, they really do, but there are times when this veil is so thick that trying to see (to function) takes incredible work. That , what seems like every day tasks, social functions etc that are pretty simple to most people become very overwhelming to me. While often subconscious, 1/2 of my brain is pre-occupied by something else. What people say to me, as much as I wish it weren't that way gets filtered through this lens of fragility. Please extend me grace during this season.
In the same sense, I feel like God is creating a stirring in my heart of unrest. Unrest in many things but the one that stands out the most is my lack of voice. It has been quite apparent that for this last year, finding my voice and speaking my truth has been on the table. Can I just say, that as a 100% people pleaser this TERRIFIES me. I have spent most of my life saying "its fine", extending grace and just letting things slide with the assumption that things were probably done and said with the best intention when they really weren't. Don't get me wrong, grace has its place always, but so do boundaries and also letting yourself be heard. Besides with Kavin, where there has always been a place to use my voice, there was never room elsewhere. I was too scared to give myself room. People for the most part don't like authenticity. We say we do, but when it really comes down to it, it makes us REALLY uncomfortable  and vulnerable to feel other peoples pain, to talk about the real stuff so we just go about the day saying "we're all fine". Well I am here to tell you I am not. My life is a mess, a beautiful mess that he is working through and teaching me about. And, as much as I like my order, clean, perfected           (insert maniacal laughter) life, I am not going to keep pretending that it is fine. There is beauty in this mess, and yours too.

unrest

  I feel like I am in a season of unrest... I don't like it. I actually kind of feel like Im crawling out of my skin. You know me... I like a plan, I like a DETAILED plan of what is going to happen.. and right now I am kind of just sittin back waitin on the Lord. Tick tock.... I feel in particular unrest with my job. I have been really struggling in my job lately. It has been mentally exhausting. My job for the most part is pretty easy but it is VERY emotional, throw in a very dysfunctional team and some violent patients and we got a perfect storm of exhaustion.  There are so many things that I am thankful for in my job, so please don't read this as being ungrateful I just feel like I am being lead somewhere else. Maybe not at this very instant, maybe its not even to another job... maybe its Home. God knows my desire to work from home so that could be where a lot of this unrest is coming from. I know my plans for my life are dull in comparison to what he has for us. To be able to lean into his and not mine is such a struggle for me. I know there is great reward in being obedient and listening to him but I struggle in this. Thank goodness for his patience and love while I continue to learn and lean into him.


Psalm 27:14

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord!

Self care

 A good friend of mine has been preaching self care to me for quite some time. Although in the past I have seen the importance of her point of view, there were always parts of me that brushed it off saying " I just don't have time, or money or whatever....", but it was more than that....what it really came down to is these intense feelings of guilt that I had for taking care of myself, which is just plain ridiculousness. It is the enemy trying to steal my joy. I have read three books this year so far; For the Love, The Fringe Hours and Carry On Warrior. The underlying theme in all of these books is self care. I didn't choose these books because of this it just kind of happened... OK, OK I get the point.
I feel like these three books kind of forced me to look at how I take care of myself... or don't and how that affects my life. I didn't really think that not doing things for myself made that much of a difference but boy was I wrong. 
This month I decided to schedule a date (we hadn't been on one since October), schedule a massage and then a pedicure with a friend. Yes they all cost money and take time away from my family but let me tell you I am a much better me when I am taking time for myself. I look at life differently, appreciate it more and it feels pretty good. 
Do it ladies, do something for yourself! Do anything, it doesn't have to cost money but making time for yourself... oxygen mask....is going to make it a whole lot easier on you in the long run <3

Its ok for things to suck

I was talking to a wise friend/sister last night about how hard life is right now. So, so hard. I loved that she chose to lean into it with me. That instead of trying to fix it or telling me to think about the future, or that it won't always be this way, or to try to be positive she said this.... " Its OK for things to super suck" and man did I appreciate that. Seriously, when we negate how people are feeling and pretend that these really hard things in life aren't happening, it isolates us. I know there are many times I feel like "Am I the only one that is struggling right now?" in whatever.... weight loss, PARENTING, relationships,school, work, self worth. Why is it we choose not to talk about it? Is it pride? Shame? embarrassment? We want to make our life seem better than it really is? What makes it so that we feel like we can't share the really hard stuff in our life with the people we love. The communities we are apart of.
Especially as a mom, us moms need to stick together, support and love on each other because although our struggles might be different. Whether babies that won't stop crying, toddlers that push EVERY SINGLE BUTTON, or sleep issues. We are in it together and there is strength in numbers.
Can I urge you to be real? Even though it might make you uncomfortable? To be vulnerable and to feel comfortable to say that its not ok, and that its OK that its not ok. I think you might feel better if you do.

Adulting is Hard

  These past couple of weeks, months heck even years have thrown me. They have probably been some of the hardest times I have experienced in my life. Loosing both parents, having two beautiful but very strong willed children. I am not going to lie and say it has been easy or that it is starting to get easier. Its not.
   Whats harder, than dealing with life and its plain hardness is the fact that we are surrounded by constant judgement. People feeling like they know exactly how your should live your life, what your doing right, what your doing wrong or what things need to look life for you. This right here, is really hard to step away from. To offer grace and not be hurt by it. And its funny, in a not so funny sense, we are all struggling with something and yet we all do it. We sit back from the stands and offer our judgements to the other person about how they could do better or what they are doing wrong. We all walk around feeling like we silently have to perform to look and act a certain way instead of being ourselves. 
   Sometimes we make decisions about our lives that we have the best of intentions with. We think "this is the best choice".... and hindsight is twenty twenty when we realize that it probably wasn't and that whole sucky ass adulting has to come in and suck it up and fix it. It plain sucks. The decisions we make as adults and the consequences that come with them are so much harder. When my dad was dying there were so many times where I was "too busy" to go up there, and yes I had my life my work, school, pregnancy yada yada and at that point I thought this was the best choice. That there was more time... and I look back and wish I would of taken advantage of that time more. I learned a lesson from this because I let my fear during that time control my actions. 
  We recently got a dog, two weeks ago. We thought that this would be a great fit for our family. We did a lot of research about what we wanted and how much time and energy this would take, this wasn't our first rodeo. We had three dogs at once a while back so we felt like this was the best choice for us.... and after integrating her into our home we realized that this was not going to be a good fit. That is an awful feeling folks. It really is, to step back from a decision you felt was wise and admit that it probably wasn't. That you can't give this dog everything that they need and it plain sucks. And there will be people sitting on the sidelines shaking their head and judging our actions, and I am going to have to accept the fact that some people will choose to look at us in a negative light about this instead of extending grace. 
 

Carry on Mama's

     I started reading this book "Carry on Warrior" by Glennon Doyle Melton and I feel like she is writing what is in my head. I love her raw honestly and ability to lay it all out there. She makes me feel like I am not alone. Yesterday a specific page spoke to me:

     SO MANY times I have mentioned something to someone or posted something on FB about how overwhelming being a mom, a wife, a full time employee is and get the response to "just be positive" or "enjoy these moments, they pass so quickly". Although I know the intentions and meanings behind these phrases are pure and kind, and frankly I think they are just taught in our society, they make me feel guilty and mad. Like something is wrong with me because I don't enjoy every moment. I really don't. There are moments where I want to rip my hair out, run away and don't want to be around my kids, and I work full time, so I can imagine what this looks like to all you amazing mamas who work from home or stay home. Kudos, truly because that is HARD stuff and it is often not supported. IT IS HARD, and if we keep pretending that it isn't what are we creating? What are we really telling mamas in our society? Just because we are frustrated or overwhelmed it doesn't mean we aren't thankful. I am incredibly thankful for my family, but they infuriate me at times.
 If we can start living in a community where we speak how we feel instead of being afraid of being judged, because lets be honest here... people are going to judge you no matter what you say; we start to create an environment where we are lifting each other up and encouraging each other instead of isolating. As you have probably noticed from my FB posts I am pretty honest about how I feel and I and learning that there is nothing to be ashamed about there. I am thankful for my friends and family that let me be honest without judgment and meet me where I am. Won't you join me?

Fear is....

Fear is easy. In fact fear, is something that comes quite naturally to me. I automatically go to the worst possible scenario in my head in whatever situation I am in. I spend a good amount of time playing out 'what ifs' and trying to figure out what I would do if.... its truly such a waste of time. If fear, weren't so easy then I don't think the bible would have mentioned it over and over again."do not be afraid". We are consistently reminded of that because fear is easy. Satan thrives on this. He loves it. He loves to see us afraid.
    Today was a scary day for us. We live in an increasingly scary world that is hard to ignore. I don't watch the news and try to steer clear from articles because, for me it ends up being all I think about. This whole FEAR thing is really hard to ignore when it comes knocking on your front door, and today it did. We found out that Kalebs school went into lock down today and there was an active shooter in the neighborhood. I have been in lock downs before in elementary schools and Kaleb in fact had one earlier this year, this one felt different. Don't get me wrong... I trust his school, he is very safe there but in my mind, my kids aren't SAFE unless they are with me. I instantly got really scared and all those "what if" thoughts started flooding my mind. It pissed me off that we have to live in a world where it is scary for our kids to go to school, play in the park, go outside. There is risk...more so every day. 
  I can choose to sit there and live in that fear... the kind that will paralyze you or I can choose to lift this up to our papa, knowing that he has this. That although my fear might not be unwarranted that I/we are protected by the father. That every time I give into it and let it take a hold of me, I am letting Satan delight in that. So here I am lifting it up over and over again because NOT being afraid is something that doesn't come very easily to me.

T-rex

Hey you!
 Below you will find a picture that best represents how I am feeling right now... like 100% of the time. I have a pretty strong urge to want to rip everyone's face off and eat it for breakfast (please excuse my 'Walking Dead' Metaphor) but truly, I'm pretty angry right now. This little guy does a good job of representing how I am feeling inside. The one thing I love about the T-rex is his little arms. They discredit him so. He wants to be all mean and scary and just eat people, but then you look at his arms and kind of can't help but laugh. With that said, I hope you can read this knowing that this "feeling" isn't me. Not at all who I am or how I want to act or feel, it just kind of is....

I think that sometimes people forget, that since it has been 9 months, and it isn't fresh in their mind that I am still grieving. I tend to lean into things and get a lot accomplished when I am grieving so some people probably think that I am doing just fine, but not really.That this year in particular is REALLY HARD for me. It was my parents favorite time of year and Christmas began in October. #allthingschristmas.  We were very fortunate to have wonderful Christmas's growing up. Tons of family, activities and creativity. I crave that now. The big family gathering, in our house...although our house isn't our home anymore because my parents were what made it that. When it comes to my own crap I am not a crier until I have been really angry. Its just my process. I cry easily at movies or stories or how I hurt for others but when its mine, I spend a good deal of time cursing things or people (in my head) until I reach a point where it has to come out and then I cry. I wish it wasn't this way, but unfortunately the grief monster has decided that this is how I get to handle it. 
Thank God for GRACE, truly can you imagine living life without it? Grace from my husband and my kids who unfortunately get most of my crankiness because that is where I feel safe enough to display it. Not fair for them though. Thank you to you, who are reading this if you have experienced the T-rex in me lately and for giving me grace, knowing that this is not who I am or who I want to be.

Transition

Lately I have been feeling very uneasy in my life, mostly with my work situation. Don't get my wrong, I love what I do. That I get to help people and that is a joy, but this job is emotionally taxing and the time that I am away from my family and the STRESS that that causes is becoming a lot. A little back story...
Two years ago on this date I got a call from a friend saying that I was being considered for my current job. This was wonderful and terrifying all at the same time. You see, I am a planner. I am really good at it, really organized, this is a huge strength of mine but also a MAJOR vice... because when I don't know the plan I kind of freak out. If my mom were here, she would say that this has been a reoccurring theme in my life. Something I am really working on. 
I didn't know the plan, but for months (after Ruby was born) I knew that what I was doing wasn't working and that something else was going to happen, I just didn't know what or when. Two years later I can say that this job has been such an amazing blessing to my family and I. I have been able to see into incredibly painful life stories and help speak into these lives. I have developed a passion for the mental health community that I never knew I had, and I have developed some pretty awesome skills because of this job.  With that said, the last 8 months or so, I have felt an uneasiness in this position. I feel like God has been preparing my heart for some change. I have no idea what or when but I feel it coming. I realized a dream of mine around 8 months ago, one that I never even knew was on my heart. To stay at home and work from home. How this was going to happen I have no idea... because the logistics, the planning of this is like so out of my control. I couldn't even try to write down a path for this. It is becoming more and more clear to move in this direction. That I have been provided with a flexible job that allows me to dream for this and work for this on the sidelines. My introduction to oils last year was purely medical, then turned into something else and has progressed to something I never could of imagined and while I am excited (like this is all I can think about) for the possibilities that come with this, I am scared ____less. You get the picture. Maybe this is Gods way of forcing me to not try to have a plan, because I really cant. All I can do is work as hard as I can, trusting that he is going to pick up the rest and take it where it needs to go. It is a lesson I am learning daily, hourly, sometimes every minute because my automatic response is to freak out and try to plan this out.
 I opened my devotion to this today... the same day 2 years ago I got the call about the job. 
Jesus, I love your gentle reminders in always the perfect timing.
" This is a time of Abundance in your life. Your cup runneth over with blessings. After plodding uphill for many weeks, you are now traipsing through lush meadows drenched in warm sunshine. I want you to enjoy to the full this time of ease and refreshment. I delight in providing it for you.
Sometimes my children hesitate to receive my good gifts with open hands. Feelings of false guilt creep in, telling them that they don't deserve to be so richly blessed. This is nonsense-thinking because no one deserves anything from me. My kingdom is not about earning and deserving;its about believing and receiving.
What a child of mind balks at accepting my gifts, I am deeply grieves. When you receive my abundant blessings with a grateful heart, I rejoice. My pleasure in giving and your pleasure in receiving flow together in joyous harmony."
Psalm 25:5