At best, I am functioning at 50%, yes my house is clean, my life is organized and I might look to some, or not that I have it all together but I promise I don't. I want to try to explain grief as best as I can and it is very different to each person, but for me its like looking through a veil. My eyes work fine, they really do, but there are times when this veil is so thick that trying to see (to function) takes incredible work. That , what seems like every day tasks, social functions etc that are pretty simple to most people become very overwhelming to me. While often subconscious, 1/2 of my brain is pre-occupied by something else. What people say to me, as much as I wish it weren't that way gets filtered through this lens of fragility. Please extend me grace during this season.
In the same sense, I feel like God is creating a stirring in my heart of unrest. Unrest in many things but the one that stands out the most is my lack of voice. It has been quite apparent that for this last year, finding my voice and speaking my truth has been on the table. Can I just say, that as a 100% people pleaser this TERRIFIES me. I have spent most of my life saying "its fine", extending grace and just letting things slide with the assumption that things were probably done and said with the best intention when they really weren't. Don't get me wrong, grace has its place always, but so do boundaries and also letting yourself be heard. Besides with Kavin, where there has always been a place to use my voice, there was never room elsewhere. I was too scared to give myself room. People for the most part don't like authenticity. We say we do, but when it really comes down to it, it makes us REALLY uncomfortable and vulnerable to feel other peoples pain, to talk about the real stuff so we just go about the day saying "we're all fine". Well I am here to tell you I am not. My life is a mess, a beautiful mess that he is working through and teaching me about. And, as much as I like my order, clean, perfected (insert maniacal laughter) life, I am not going to keep pretending that it is fine. There is beauty in this mess, and yours too.
I love "insert maniacal laughter"....
ReplyDeleteOne thing that occurs to me is that if we try too hard to keep everything perfect, then it doesn't leave a whole lot of room for God to do what he wants to do in our lives. So I applaud you for letting there be a mess and not always fine.
Hurray for the courage to test out your voice. It matters. It counts. People will adjust to the authentic you. That is the you which can be trusted because you won't be afraid to be a truth-teller and, in the long run, people want to hang out with truth tellers.
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