Waking Up

      I chose some words as inspiration for my Business this year, ALL IN. What I didn't know that God would be challenging me in this from the get go in a hard hard way. I thought " Yeah! I am going to go all in, be overwhelmed in a blessed way by this business" Apparently God had other plans because he is definitely putting me to the test in so many other areas of my life and I'm going to be frank here. I don't like it!
     I have noticed that throughout my life a message has been relayed to me. Whether intentional or not I have been shown over and over again that my feelings aren't ok unless they are agreeable. Insert massive people pleaser here. If I agreed enough then all was ok. My first boyfriend even broke up with me saying that I was "too emotional for him". These left scars on my heart and continued to paint this picture that my feelings were too big for this world and they shouldn't be shared. This point in my life is where I subsequently started to gain weight. 
   I have spent the last 15 years playing nice and keeping my emotions to myself because in truth I have felt that there was no place for them to be held, that only I could do that. That is a crushing weight to bear. The weight kept piling up, and my lack of connection to that correlation has been evident. 
    I stumbled upon this artist last month and in Godly fashion as he always does, he started to speak to me through the music. He knows that this is my medium. Its where I gain inspiration, come to revelation and am moved. This artist is blowing me out of the water because I feel like her music is speaking so heavily into my life right now I can't explain it.
   I feel like for the first time, I am waking up. I am waking up to heavy emotions that have been buried through years of hiding. Heavy emotions from loosing two parents in 5 years and loosing my sister and so many other things. I am not going to lie, this is an ugly place. A CRUSHING place. It feels incredibly isolating and lonely, but I also know this. That God does not take you through the dessert to just leave you there. He will be walking right beside me through all of this, even thought it feels so heavy, like this numb veil is starting to lift, I know that incredible blessings will be coming from this place.