I love the Holidays, like LOVE! I kind of wish that they would last all year, but not really because then it wouldn't be as magical. Growing up my parents made Christmas (also their favorite time of year) the most magical experience. So many traditions, feelings, smells and experiences. The whole month was filled with Tradition.
Since their death, Christmas has been bitter sweet. I still love it, I really do, but I find this hole there where I find myself trying to recreate the magic and its not the same... because the magic came from them. The magic came from that house, the house that isn't ours anymore. The house that doesn't feel like home. Now, I find myself in this place where I get to create these new memories and traditions for my family because what we used to celebrate just feels different. This is both exciting and sad at the same time.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to make it perfect. Christmas has to be perfect, because growing up it was! I find myself saying a lot " Am I doing enough?" " Is this enough?" "Will my kids find this all so magical?" and I find myself (in my eyes) falling short because hello I am a working mom, who teaches piano lessons and runs a side business and we have basketball practises and man I could keep going, so dear lord you think I have set my expectations a little too high?
So today, I'm going to take a deep breath and focus on what I have right now and instead of feeling guilty that we didn't make 1500 cookies (yeah we used to do that), or that I didn't decorate all the way for Christmas or do a bunch of other activities because we don't have time.... I am going to focus on making what we do have magical, and also clean sheets and a made bed on Christmas eve because that is a must!
Sweet Emily... it isn't the things that you DO that will make Christmas special for your kids...it's who you are. Nothing has to be perfect, believe me. My mom wanted everything perfect, and in many ways, that just made everything more stressful for her kids. It's not that she didn't make Christmas wonderful; she did. But it was also a time filled with anxiety and stress. Now I wish that she'd taken more time for us kids and let the perfectionism slide. It would have been more relaxed and less stressful for all of us, including herself, if she had.
ReplyDeleteYou're a good mom and your kids and husband love you. And that's the most important thing of all. Please try not to feel guilty about making so many cookies or doing things exactly the way your mom did. Take some Emily, Kaleb, Ruby, and Kavin time; doing things differently doesn't mean that they're wrong. It means that you have your eyes on what's important.
Sending you big love....