Hard and Fast

      I'm just going to say it. Fuck Cancer. A couple of days ago I posted about how blessed I am in my life and don't get me wrong, I still believe that I am, but with that said, Cancer is AWFUL! Watching someone you love die is horrible. And, grief holds no prisoners. I often find that I am doing fine, really I am doing OK until out of nowhere I am hit with a 2x4 of grief. Sometimes it presents itself in anger, sometimes in being sad, sometimes in jealousy and often in irritation with EVERYTHING. Today its Anger! I'm pissed off! I'm angry that the only thing my mom can control right now is how crushed her ice is or how hot her chicken broth is, or if there are wrinkles in her sheets. It sucks! I am pissed that she has been taken over by this horrible disease and it is taking everything from her. I am pissed that I have to watch this again, when we just went through this with my dad not even 4 years ago.I would not wish this on anyone!
  I am just mad, and I know that it is OK for me to feel that way but I don't want to be mad, I don't want to be sad. I just want everything to be "normal" but I know that my life is not going to feel "normal" for a while and that sucks. Any of you who have had to walk this path or are walking it know exactly what I am talking about here. Those of you who haven't had to do this, be thankful. It is hell.

    I know some people think that I am putting myself out there too much, or being too vulnerable, but if we aren't honest and open about what hurts and how hard it is then we create an environment where everyone thinks they are alone. I know that I have received much strength and encouragement from those who have bared their souls and laid down their raw hearts.