Crave

  I'm sitting here eating Carrots. Carrots are good. Carrots are better with ranch! But, Carrots ARE NOT what I want to be eating right now. I want to be eating a juicy burger and fries. Yesterday I made a commitment that starting today (Yep I am one of those, have to restart on a Monday kind of people) I would start eating clean(er). I can't continue living the way that I am living. I can't continue to be overweight. This last statement here is INCREDIBLY HARD. I have a problem. I am addicted to food. God, I really hate looking at that last statement. It is ugly and I have denied it on many levels in the past because its not like I am addicted, like drug addiction....or am I?
   For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with food. One might not think it because as a kid I was skinny. I mean really really skinny until about halfway through high school when my eating habits caught up with me and I could afford to go buy my own food. My nickname as a kid was "The food police". No joke... I was always worried that there was never going to be enough of the "good stuff." I was always looking forward to my next meal. Still to this day, I give food way too much power. Way too much! I think about it constantly, even healthy food from time to time :) I am always focusing on my next meal, sometimes while I am in the middle of eating a meal. I fantasize about food. And lord, do I crave it. The more I give into the cravings the worse they get!
 I think for me, one of my big coping mechanisms in life is comfort eating. I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am sad. I just LOVE to eat! All my functions revolve around eating.I don't know if I have every really dug deep enough to figure out the base of this, however I am now. I am reading this incredible book by Lysa Terkeurst called " Made to crave". This book is about her struggle with food addiction and how she overcame it by focusing on building her relationship with Christ. This book is really challenging me, because I never thought of it that way. I never really thought about coming to God with this struggle. To pray for strength to abstain from cheese sticks... That struggle is Real folks.
 This verse:

Isaiah 45:2-3

² I will go before you
    and will level the mountains^[a];
I will break down gates of bronze    (The temptation of mounds of chocolate)
    and cut through bars of iron.         ( The desire to eat 10 instead of 1)
³ I will give you hidden treasures,    ( The peace that it is more than just a number)
    riches stored in secret places,       ( The Security that my worth is in you)
so that you may know that I am the Lord,
    the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

Finding my Voice

   I have always had a really hard time asserting myself. My husband might disagree with this statement because I am very honest with him, but with other people the struggle is real. You can ask any of my friends that have known me since childhood. I used to say "sorry" for the most random things. Part of this was my OCD but the other part was that I was TERRIFIED to offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. And although it is good to be aware of how you are making others feel, I have never been great about balancing that. I would rather sit quiet and not say ANYTHING then possibly offend anyone. I become really self conscious when someone disapproves of something I am doing and it has always has made me doubt how I really feel. When it comes down to it, I have given other people way too much say in my life.
   A few months ago I decided to try something new. I started using Young Living Essential oils and I had no intention of doing anything business related until God gently nudged me about this opportunity. I, in the past have never been one to do this kind of thing. And really, the way this company and my group of people does things is so incredibly different than anything I have ever done before. I am for the first time, through this opportunity finding MY VOICE. Yes in a way I am selling oils but really all I am doing is sharing why I love them. In that, I have to really force myself to step out of my comfort zone and learn to not let what others think dictate how I want to live my life. I am learning that it is OK to have people that will disagree with me, that it is OK if someone gets offended by what I am doing and it is OK for me to be strong and successful. I DO NOT have to apologize about any of that.
  I am driven by this deep desire for my dreams. Dreams that I didn't even really think were dreams a few months ago. Probably because without this opportunity they were such distant dreams. I didn't put much thought into them. I am so excited to be apart of this and watching my goals (although they are small right now) being blown out of the water is such a huge encouragement. My team in lifting each other up, encouraging, supporting and loving on me through this process.. and you know the funny part? I don't even know half of them! How awesome is that!??
   I wear this necklace I made as a reminder that it is good for me to have a voice. The canary represents the power of voice and the two pearls represent my two kids. The reason I am doing this! To all of you who have encouraged me, supported me, loved on me and started this journey with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I appreciate you so much!
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Rarrrrrrr

Anger is a weird emotion. I don't know if I really consider it an emotion really because it is often an expression of something else I am feeling altogether. I find myself angry at the weirdest things. Swearing in traffic, angry over spilled milk, angry at everything. What is it that I am really feeling because if I dig deep, this anger is just a veil for something else, Being hurt, being overwhelmed, feeling disappointed. I think I always knew this, but at this very time in my life it is becoming more real that this is what is happening. For people who haven't walked this specific road it is hard to understand the all encompassing range of constant emotions that bombard me. When I speak about being angry with someone, that is just how my grief is presenting itself right now, and I know that is normal but it sucks. I don't want to be angry. I want to have an open heart, to extend grace to forgive but my frustration and weight of this anger is making it VERY hard to do that right now. Continually I lay this down at his feet and ask him to help me carry this because it is too much for me to do on my own, and I constantly check myself and my attitude. Thankful for the friends and family that let me vent and get all the ugly out without judgement. Thankful for the small reminders that nudge me to be obedient even though I really don't want to. There is a lot of justification in anger, some would say I have every right to be angry but am I the better for it? No, what it does to me is rob me of my joy.

Ephesians 4:31-32

³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Little Mercies

     This weekend was ROUGH. We are all worn from the journey, yet trying to keep it all together. My kids were being awful this weekend; fighting constantly, antagonizing and just being pain naughty. We were wracking our brains trying to figure out what the heck was going on. In my grief I failed to realize how much this is was affecting them. So caught up in myself that I didn't see their little hurts. My sweet Kaleb who has such a tender heart and picks up on everthing especially how I am feeling, feels my stress and pain. And he feels his too. He is very close to his Oma. He is only 4 1/2 and it is unfair to expect him to know how to deal with this, so what does he do? He acts out. Ms. Ruby just wants her momma home and doesn't understand why I keep leaving. Clarity comes at the end of a long day when I can process enough to understand. THANK GOD for forgiveness and redemption. That to my littles, saying I'm sorry and lots of snuggles fixes it for now. That they can realize that I am human and make mistakes and that it isn't my intention to be short and impatient.
   A gentle reminder how in the midst of our pain, God uses out little ones to show us that at the end of the day we will be OK. That his mercies are new every morning and gratefully so are mine.

Hard and Fast

      I'm just going to say it. Fuck Cancer. A couple of days ago I posted about how blessed I am in my life and don't get me wrong, I still believe that I am, but with that said, Cancer is AWFUL! Watching someone you love die is horrible. And, grief holds no prisoners. I often find that I am doing fine, really I am doing OK until out of nowhere I am hit with a 2x4 of grief. Sometimes it presents itself in anger, sometimes in being sad, sometimes in jealousy and often in irritation with EVERYTHING. Today its Anger! I'm pissed off! I'm angry that the only thing my mom can control right now is how crushed her ice is or how hot her chicken broth is, or if there are wrinkles in her sheets. It sucks! I am pissed that she has been taken over by this horrible disease and it is taking everything from her. I am pissed that I have to watch this again, when we just went through this with my dad not even 4 years ago.I would not wish this on anyone!
  I am just mad, and I know that it is OK for me to feel that way but I don't want to be mad, I don't want to be sad. I just want everything to be "normal" but I know that my life is not going to feel "normal" for a while and that sucks. Any of you who have had to walk this path or are walking it know exactly what I am talking about here. Those of you who haven't had to do this, be thankful. It is hell.

    I know some people think that I am putting myself out there too much, or being too vulnerable, but if we aren't honest and open about what hurts and how hard it is then we create an environment where everyone thinks they are alone. I know that I have received much strength and encouragement from those who have bared their souls and laid down their raw hearts.

Down with the sickness

     There is this band called "Disturbed", it was one of my favorites in high school. Its a heavy metal band and I was going through an alternative rock stage. I remember very clearly my dad coming into my room asking me if I was listening to devils worship. You might get the jest of the music from the band title. It wasn't pretty. Lol. This song that they did called "Down with the sickness" seems to be one that keeps resurfacing in my life. And usually in the form that has nothing to do with being sick. And honestly I can't remember any of the words except "get down with the sickness" OK so bear with me a second as I might be hard to follow. :)
    When I get involved in something in my life, it is kind of all consuming. You could say that I am "down with the sickness" whatever it is. My coffee obsession, doing my own shellac and now it is my oils. My husband constantly makes fun of my "processes". Anyone who knows me knows that with anything, I do tons of research. I want to know the best deal, I want to know all the background information. I want to know as much as I can about something before I start it. In my mind, this reduces my chance of failure. I am a perfectionist at heart. You could say that I am a chronic planner, it would give me great peace to have my whole entire year completely planned out. I drive my friends and family crazy :) If any of you are following me on Face Book you know that I post a lot about oils! I do, because I LOVE THEM and I want you to LOVE THEM TOO. It kind of upsets me when I find a good deal on something or found something that really works and other people don't want it too. I want to SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOP. TRY THIS! Seriously.
    I have always been a hippy or whatever you want to call it a heart, I have often said I wish I was a teenager in the 70's. It seems I would fit right in there. In the past and still, I struggle with the stigma of the "crunchy" label. I don't want to be shoved into a category because I really enjoy something natural. But I do, I enjoy these oils. They are changing the way that my family and I do life. I am incredibly happy that I can put something in my body and on my body daily and I do not have to worry one bit about harmful side affects, or adverse reactions. Especially when we are sick. I DID NOT, I repeat DID NOT think that they would work as well as they do. I was very skeptical and sometimes when I try new things with the oils I still wonder " is this going to work?" and it does. Not always but with so many things it helps. Sleeping, relaxation.. pain... can we talk about the pain a little bit? I was taking Ibuprofen every single day for shoulder and back pain from work, I maybe take it a couple times a month when it is really bad but my go-to now is Valor and Panaway. I use this stuff daily.
   So when you see me posting about my oils, or offering up suggestions on using them, it isn't because I want you to "buy from me!" it is because I want you to experience the benefits of these awesome products the way that I am.

I am Blessed!

    Standing in line at Starbucks buying my favorite coffee, I was struck by the overwhelming feeling of gratefulness. I started thinking about how blessed I am that I can spend $26.00 (I bought some other stuff too) with ease so that I can really enjoy my coffee every morning. That I can go into the store and buy what I want each week without worry, and no it wasn't always this way. That there is not much in this life that I "want". Of course there are things that I would like, as we all do, but in reality there is nothing that I need. I am sure that some of you would say that based on what I am going through that this is not what blessed "looks like". However, I refuse to live my life feeling sorry for my circumstances. OK, lets be realistic here... there are times that I feel sorry for myself and that's OK, but I have decided that I am not going to let that feeling control me and stear my life in a different directions. God never promised us that this life would be easy, in fact he told us that it would be hard.
1 Peter 1:6-7 "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."
      He also promised us that he would be there right besides us every step of the way. The promise that this is not what we were created for, that this pain and sickness that we experience is because this isn't our true home keeps me going. The promise that we will be restored and new is such an exciting one, isn't it? So, even though this is just my current destination and at times it is really dark, I will be thankful for the blessings I am given each day and the ability to see those blessings in the dark times as well.

Cancer is a gift

OK before you rip me a new one here, bear with me for a minute. I am reading this book "The hardest peace" by Kara Tippets and it is blowing my mind. How I came upon this book was very interesting. Any of you Amazon shoppers know that when you pick out a book it then recommends books based on what other people have bought. I was trying to fill up my Christmas list and saw this book and briefly scanned it and added it to my wish list. Honestly I didn't pay much attention to what it was about. Well I received it for Christmas and the book is about "expecting grace in the midst of life's hard... Kara's personal battle with terminal cancer. Wow! The timing of this was impeccable. Needless to say this book is going to be marked and tattered when I am done with it.
  So, back to my title... I read this line in the book and honestly the first thought in my mind was, and please excuse my language but "fuck that!" How can cancer possibly be a gift? She says this...
" I can say that cancer and suffering give the beautiful gift of perspective. It is the gift you never wanted, the gift wrapped in confusion and brokenness and heartbreak. It's the gift that strips all your other ideas of living from you completely. The beautiful, ugly raising to the surface of the importance of each and every moment."  What a beautiful perspective on a very hard place. I can tell you, from being here now for the second time that terminal illness does just that. It makes you really realize what is the most important thing. To cherish the little moments, the people in your life and the relationships that you have. I know that walking through this again has urged me to become incredibly close with my extended family. Would that of happened otherwise? Maybe not. She urges us to seek grace instead of anger. That "if God has called me to this hard story, his promise is one of sufficient grace. Sufficient for me, sufficient for my family."
   Reflecting on these words makes me really think that in some ways Cancer is a gift. It is not a gift I would ever choose. I wouldn't wish this path on anyone, truly. You know how sometimes you get a gift and you think "What on earth am I going to do with this?" And then somehow it works itself into your life?  A gift in the way that I see the world now. How I interact with people or choose to do my daily life. My perspective is forever changed and I do believe for the better.
This song has really been resonating with me lately.


We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise