When you are feeling like you're not enough...

   I love the Holidays, like LOVE! I kind of wish that they would last all year, but not really because then it wouldn't be as magical. Growing up my parents made Christmas (also their favorite time of year) the most magical experience. So many traditions, feelings, smells and experiences. The whole month was filled with Tradition.
    Since their death, Christmas has been bitter sweet. I still love it, I really do, but I find this hole there where I find myself trying to recreate the magic and its not the same... because the magic came from them. The magic came from that house, the house that isn't ours anymore. The house that doesn't feel like home. Now, I find myself in this place where I get to create these new memories and traditions for my family because what we used to celebrate just feels different. This is both exciting and sad at the same time. 
   I put a lot of pressure on myself to make it perfect. Christmas has to be perfect, because growing up it was! I find myself saying a lot " Am I doing enough?" " Is this enough?" "Will my kids find this all so magical?" and I find myself (in my eyes) falling short because hello I am a working mom, who teaches piano lessons and runs a side business and we have basketball practises and man I could keep going, so dear lord you think I have set my expectations a little too high? 
So today, I'm going to take a deep breath and focus on what I have right now and instead of feeling guilty that we didn't make 1500 cookies (yeah we used to do that), or that I didn't decorate all the way for Christmas or do a bunch of other activities because we don't have time.... I am going to focus on making what we do have magical, and also clean sheets and a made bed on Christmas eve because that is a must!

swallowed whole

    Sometimes I feel like I am being swallowed whole. That the heaviness that crowds my heart is crushing me, and my mantra in this is "this is just temporary". That although it feels this way, it in fact wont crush me. That I will be able to walk out of this fog at some point. 
   See, depression doesn't affect me like most people. For me I see everything through this lens of negativity. I am uber sensitive to my relationships and start second guessing everything. I am really critical of myself and others. Its ugly and I hate it. I almost wish I was sad but instead I get really angry.
    Depression and anxiety are so silent and isolating, yet I know so many people who struggle daily with this. Lets do each other a favor and #refusetobesilent

Spirited

 I'm in a particularly challenging part of parenting. There are times, ok lets be honest here... most of the time I feel like an utter failure. Like God didn't know what he was doing when he gave me these two wonderful but very challenging children. Maybe I don't have good enough skills to be their mom. I know speaking those thoughts out loud is utter ridiculousness but it still goes through my mind often. This job that completely challenges me on every level and shows me all the things that I am not good at, all the areas that I need to work in, and all the things that I need to do to grow. It makes me feel like I am not doing it right. As a mom of two very lovable, hilariously funny, beautiful, kind, exasperatingly challenging strong willed children I am exhausted all the time. Emotionally and physically spent. Just plain tired. Sometimes its really hard not to look at my friends whose kids can go to a birthday party and hot have an epic meltdown afterwords or do something outsides of the normal routine and not have massive anxiety or get completely overstimulated. I envy that because all of what I just said is our norm. 
     I know that having strong willed spirited kids is a blessing. I really do, see I am one too so I know the awesome blessings that come with this personality and I see how these traits are going to serve and strengthen them as they get older. But, in the mean time when even leaving the house is a challenge and battle, its hard to look to the flowers that are going to bloom from these seeds that we are planting. 
I don't know about you, but I don't often talk much about this because they are often met with such misunderstanding, judgement about our parenting skills and what we are doing wrong and a lack of empathy. I am sure if you have kids in this boat you have probably experienced the same at some point. So, for those of you have have a friend in your life who has children that are strong willed, please extend them lots of grace. Don't be judgemental about lack of parenting or their inability to discipline their kids or that their kids are too sensitive or naughty. 
God wired these children this way for a reason and he knew the parents that would be perfect to handle these behaviors    (even if we don't trust ourselves in that). What we really need is a community of people that can stroke our hair when we curl up and cry and people to love on us without judgement.

We're all fine here

 At best, I am functioning at 50%, yes my house is clean, my life is organized and I might look to some, or not that I have it all together but I promise I don't. I want to try to explain grief as best as I can and it is very different to each person, but for me its like looking through a veil. My eyes work fine, they really do, but there are times when this veil is so thick that trying to see (to function) takes incredible work. That , what seems like every day tasks, social functions etc that are pretty simple to most people become very overwhelming to me. While often subconscious, 1/2 of my brain is pre-occupied by something else. What people say to me, as much as I wish it weren't that way gets filtered through this lens of fragility. Please extend me grace during this season.
In the same sense, I feel like God is creating a stirring in my heart of unrest. Unrest in many things but the one that stands out the most is my lack of voice. It has been quite apparent that for this last year, finding my voice and speaking my truth has been on the table. Can I just say, that as a 100% people pleaser this TERRIFIES me. I have spent most of my life saying "its fine", extending grace and just letting things slide with the assumption that things were probably done and said with the best intention when they really weren't. Don't get me wrong, grace has its place always, but so do boundaries and also letting yourself be heard. Besides with Kavin, where there has always been a place to use my voice, there was never room elsewhere. I was too scared to give myself room. People for the most part don't like authenticity. We say we do, but when it really comes down to it, it makes us REALLY uncomfortable  and vulnerable to feel other peoples pain, to talk about the real stuff so we just go about the day saying "we're all fine". Well I am here to tell you I am not. My life is a mess, a beautiful mess that he is working through and teaching me about. And, as much as I like my order, clean, perfected           (insert maniacal laughter) life, I am not going to keep pretending that it is fine. There is beauty in this mess, and yours too.

unrest

  I feel like I am in a season of unrest... I don't like it. I actually kind of feel like Im crawling out of my skin. You know me... I like a plan, I like a DETAILED plan of what is going to happen.. and right now I am kind of just sittin back waitin on the Lord. Tick tock.... I feel in particular unrest with my job. I have been really struggling in my job lately. It has been mentally exhausting. My job for the most part is pretty easy but it is VERY emotional, throw in a very dysfunctional team and some violent patients and we got a perfect storm of exhaustion.  There are so many things that I am thankful for in my job, so please don't read this as being ungrateful I just feel like I am being lead somewhere else. Maybe not at this very instant, maybe its not even to another job... maybe its Home. God knows my desire to work from home so that could be where a lot of this unrest is coming from. I know my plans for my life are dull in comparison to what he has for us. To be able to lean into his and not mine is such a struggle for me. I know there is great reward in being obedient and listening to him but I struggle in this. Thank goodness for his patience and love while I continue to learn and lean into him.


Psalm 27:14

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord!

Self care

 A good friend of mine has been preaching self care to me for quite some time. Although in the past I have seen the importance of her point of view, there were always parts of me that brushed it off saying " I just don't have time, or money or whatever....", but it was more than that....what it really came down to is these intense feelings of guilt that I had for taking care of myself, which is just plain ridiculousness. It is the enemy trying to steal my joy. I have read three books this year so far; For the Love, The Fringe Hours and Carry On Warrior. The underlying theme in all of these books is self care. I didn't choose these books because of this it just kind of happened... OK, OK I get the point.
I feel like these three books kind of forced me to look at how I take care of myself... or don't and how that affects my life. I didn't really think that not doing things for myself made that much of a difference but boy was I wrong. 
This month I decided to schedule a date (we hadn't been on one since October), schedule a massage and then a pedicure with a friend. Yes they all cost money and take time away from my family but let me tell you I am a much better me when I am taking time for myself. I look at life differently, appreciate it more and it feels pretty good. 
Do it ladies, do something for yourself! Do anything, it doesn't have to cost money but making time for yourself... oxygen mask....is going to make it a whole lot easier on you in the long run <3

Its ok for things to suck

I was talking to a wise friend/sister last night about how hard life is right now. So, so hard. I loved that she chose to lean into it with me. That instead of trying to fix it or telling me to think about the future, or that it won't always be this way, or to try to be positive she said this.... " Its OK for things to super suck" and man did I appreciate that. Seriously, when we negate how people are feeling and pretend that these really hard things in life aren't happening, it isolates us. I know there are many times I feel like "Am I the only one that is struggling right now?" in whatever.... weight loss, PARENTING, relationships,school, work, self worth. Why is it we choose not to talk about it? Is it pride? Shame? embarrassment? We want to make our life seem better than it really is? What makes it so that we feel like we can't share the really hard stuff in our life with the people we love. The communities we are apart of.
Especially as a mom, us moms need to stick together, support and love on each other because although our struggles might be different. Whether babies that won't stop crying, toddlers that push EVERY SINGLE BUTTON, or sleep issues. We are in it together and there is strength in numbers.
Can I urge you to be real? Even though it might make you uncomfortable? To be vulnerable and to feel comfortable to say that its not ok, and that its OK that its not ok. I think you might feel better if you do.

Adulting is Hard

  These past couple of weeks, months heck even years have thrown me. They have probably been some of the hardest times I have experienced in my life. Loosing both parents, having two beautiful but very strong willed children. I am not going to lie and say it has been easy or that it is starting to get easier. Its not.
   Whats harder, than dealing with life and its plain hardness is the fact that we are surrounded by constant judgement. People feeling like they know exactly how your should live your life, what your doing right, what your doing wrong or what things need to look life for you. This right here, is really hard to step away from. To offer grace and not be hurt by it. And its funny, in a not so funny sense, we are all struggling with something and yet we all do it. We sit back from the stands and offer our judgements to the other person about how they could do better or what they are doing wrong. We all walk around feeling like we silently have to perform to look and act a certain way instead of being ourselves. 
   Sometimes we make decisions about our lives that we have the best of intentions with. We think "this is the best choice".... and hindsight is twenty twenty when we realize that it probably wasn't and that whole sucky ass adulting has to come in and suck it up and fix it. It plain sucks. The decisions we make as adults and the consequences that come with them are so much harder. When my dad was dying there were so many times where I was "too busy" to go up there, and yes I had my life my work, school, pregnancy yada yada and at that point I thought this was the best choice. That there was more time... and I look back and wish I would of taken advantage of that time more. I learned a lesson from this because I let my fear during that time control my actions. 
  We recently got a dog, two weeks ago. We thought that this would be a great fit for our family. We did a lot of research about what we wanted and how much time and energy this would take, this wasn't our first rodeo. We had three dogs at once a while back so we felt like this was the best choice for us.... and after integrating her into our home we realized that this was not going to be a good fit. That is an awful feeling folks. It really is, to step back from a decision you felt was wise and admit that it probably wasn't. That you can't give this dog everything that they need and it plain sucks. And there will be people sitting on the sidelines shaking their head and judging our actions, and I am going to have to accept the fact that some people will choose to look at us in a negative light about this instead of extending grace. 
 

Carry on Mama's

     I started reading this book "Carry on Warrior" by Glennon Doyle Melton and I feel like she is writing what is in my head. I love her raw honestly and ability to lay it all out there. She makes me feel like I am not alone. Yesterday a specific page spoke to me:

     SO MANY times I have mentioned something to someone or posted something on FB about how overwhelming being a mom, a wife, a full time employee is and get the response to "just be positive" or "enjoy these moments, they pass so quickly". Although I know the intentions and meanings behind these phrases are pure and kind, and frankly I think they are just taught in our society, they make me feel guilty and mad. Like something is wrong with me because I don't enjoy every moment. I really don't. There are moments where I want to rip my hair out, run away and don't want to be around my kids, and I work full time, so I can imagine what this looks like to all you amazing mamas who work from home or stay home. Kudos, truly because that is HARD stuff and it is often not supported. IT IS HARD, and if we keep pretending that it isn't what are we creating? What are we really telling mamas in our society? Just because we are frustrated or overwhelmed it doesn't mean we aren't thankful. I am incredibly thankful for my family, but they infuriate me at times.
 If we can start living in a community where we speak how we feel instead of being afraid of being judged, because lets be honest here... people are going to judge you no matter what you say; we start to create an environment where we are lifting each other up and encouraging each other instead of isolating. As you have probably noticed from my FB posts I am pretty honest about how I feel and I and learning that there is nothing to be ashamed about there. I am thankful for my friends and family that let me be honest without judgment and meet me where I am. Won't you join me?