Vulnerable

Hmm... OK so I was challenged by my team to read this book called "Daring Greatly" by Brene` Brown. I didn't know much about it except for the excerpt on the front cover " How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parents and lead." I thought that this sounded pretty interesting. I consider myself a pretty vulnerable person... that is until I really dig deep and start looking. 5 pages in and I knew that I was in deep trouble. This book was going to change me, is changing me. I can be vulnerable on here, to my invisible audience, through a text or email because I don't have to worry about really being "seen." This part of being vulnerable is easy. It then dawned on me why I HATE crying. I literally hate it more than barfing, and anyone that knows me well knows throwing up is at the top of my list. Seriously, I get embarrassed crying in my car on the freeway. What if people see me??? This is ridiculous. When I really think of why I hate crying SO much, it all comes down to being vulnerable. To let people see me. I am exposed, I cannot hide. I am in view. AND THAT SUCKS! I realize that I check out a lot. I keep myself busy with things I can do, can get done and be done well. I keep engaged with my phone so I don't have to face painful things. I check out when it comes to dealing with hard things; problems in my marriage, parenting, weight loss.... should I keep going? I don't like being seen, like you know what i mean REALLY SEEN, look into your soul kind of knowing because it makes me uncomfortable. I start to twitch. What is at the core of that though? Do I feel like I am not worthy of being seen? That I am not enough? You know, I'm not sure... I know this is something that I will have to explore as I am reading this and examining my life.
   I have been a perfectionist at heart from the very beginning, add in a big ol dose of Obsessive compulsive behavior and we have the perfect storm. Being vulnerable means that I have to show that I am not perfect (OK I know that I am NOWHERE NEAR PERFECT) but being vulnerable makes that blatantly obvious. Can't we just pretend? Please??? Asking for help means I can't do it by myself. Trying something new means that I might fail or look bad. Two quotes that have resonated with me so far, and I am only halfway in with about every other page bookmarked and underlines is this:
" What would you attempt to do if you knew you would never fail?"

"Only when we're brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."

WOW! What kind of example am I setting for my kids by checking out because it is too hard, or not trying because it is too much work. They might not see it now but they will later. And for goodness sakes, what immense blessings am I missing out on because I wont lean into the hard?
I have been on this journey this last few months that is challenging me in ways I never imagined. I really feel like God opened this door for me and asked me to go on this ride, and sometimes taking that leap of faith, taking a risk and leaning into the hard, the unknown can wield unbelievable blessings.