I feel like I have been in a really long, dark valley for the last 5 years. There have been lots of amazing things that have also happened in this time. The birth of two beautiful babies, a wonderful job, these things have encouraged me and carried me through this long journey. I remember about a month after we found out that we were pregnant with Kaleb we found out that my dad had stage 4 Glioblastoma. One of the most aggressive deadliest cancers there are. There is no cure and no one has lived past 5 years. This was devastating to us. One of the only things that kept me from worrying incessantly about loosing the baby or something going horribly wrong is that I knew that God wouldn't give us that on top of what we were already dealing with. Hey, did I mention I was working two jobs, student teaching, and working on my thesis while pregnant. No biggie ;) My dad passed away after a long hard fight when Kaleb was just 8 months old. Watching him die like that was a blessing and a horrible curse. I don't wish that kind of death on anyone. Fast forward 2 years later... we were just getting back into normalcy when my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. Hey, did I mention I was about 8 months pregnant at the time?? I feel like we were hit with a mack truck. How could God play this cruel joke on us again. We were a lot more hopeful with her because the survival rate of ovarian cancer is high. She did the standard treatment, got married to her high school sweetheart during that time and then went into remission right around the time my Ruby was born. I will tell you that having two beautiful babies in the midst of this UGLY was such an incredible blessing and the timing couldn't of been more perfect. About a month before their belated honeymoon she found out that the cancer was back full force, and it soon became evident that this was eventually going to be terminal. Later that fall we took an amazing vacation to Disneyland. Fourteen of us in a huge house, it was an incredibly trip and one that we will all remember for the rest of our lives. I don't know how we would of walked through this valley without these little blessings. They kept us sane, gave us faith, gave us hope to keep going. My mom lost her battle with cancer on February 5th of this year, almost 2 months ago. There are days where I cannot believe that she is gone.
When I look at all that has happened in the last 5 years it has been really rough. I feel like we have always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. There is a lot of fear. I am very skeptical now, kind of jaded I guess from the experience. When something good happens I am always thinking that something bad is just right around the corner. I hate that I have this thinking because it robs me of my joy. This last week, through another long journey of selling our house (way sooner than we were anticipating) and then getting our dream house (one we never thought we would have the opportunity to buy), It is like we have stepped out onto the horizon at the top of the mountain and I can actually see what is before me. A breathe of fresh air. Through this long, dark journey God has been whispering that Good things are coming and trust me when I say, there were MANY... too many to count, moments where I just couldn't see it. Where I couldn't feel it and I had a hard time trusting. I could of just stopped in the middle of the valley and sat down, given up because it was too hard, too painful to go on, but if I never got to the top of that mountain I would never know what was waiting there for me. So with the soft whispers that urged me to go forward, I continued walking in the dark. Trusting that he would come through on his promises.
Let me tell you, that it feel really, really good to start to feel the sun. To see the incredible blessing that has been promised. Hope my friends is a pretty amazing thing.
Monday, March 30, 2015
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
The first big thing
You know, going into this, that the first big things are always going to be hard. You just don't know how hard they will be. Rubys birthday party was good, it wasn't that hard. I was blessed to have a really good portion of my extended family there for it which really helped.
We recently listed out house on the market thinking it would take a few months to sold, and it sold in a week! While that is really awesome and we are incredibly grateful it is quite a shock. We are now scrambling to to find an intermediate apartment, storage units and a daycare. I miss my mom, this is when it hits hard. She always knew the right things to say. How to listen when I called crying, freaking out with irrational fears. And my dad, always knew what to do. He was able to bring up the logical point of things in a way that didn't infuriate me. This is the first BIG thing I have ever done in my life without them. I am not going to lie, I spent most of the weekend after selling our house crying. I am kind of scared shit less right now of this very transitional place. That we are somehow scarring our kids for life with all this transition, that we will be stuck in an apartment forever, that we are in WAY too far over our heads. I'm scared that we are making the WRONG decision, although I know logically that there is no "right" one.
Sometimes being aware of Gods presence in situations like this is infuriating. By that I mean, that I feel him, we feel him and he is speaking to us. There is an every occurring message that great things are coming. And I ask? God, haven't we been through enough? Really these last 5 years have been hell, can't we have something amazing happen. And he whispers AGAIN, it will, its coming... but not yet! And I just want to raise my fists to the sky and scream profanities because I have absolutely no control over this chaos. NONE.... well maybe that is the whole point of this part of the journey.
Crap!
We recently listed out house on the market thinking it would take a few months to sold, and it sold in a week! While that is really awesome and we are incredibly grateful it is quite a shock. We are now scrambling to to find an intermediate apartment, storage units and a daycare. I miss my mom, this is when it hits hard. She always knew the right things to say. How to listen when I called crying, freaking out with irrational fears. And my dad, always knew what to do. He was able to bring up the logical point of things in a way that didn't infuriate me. This is the first BIG thing I have ever done in my life without them. I am not going to lie, I spent most of the weekend after selling our house crying. I am kind of scared shit less right now of this very transitional place. That we are somehow scarring our kids for life with all this transition, that we will be stuck in an apartment forever, that we are in WAY too far over our heads. I'm scared that we are making the WRONG decision, although I know logically that there is no "right" one.
Sometimes being aware of Gods presence in situations like this is infuriating. By that I mean, that I feel him, we feel him and he is speaking to us. There is an every occurring message that great things are coming. And I ask? God, haven't we been through enough? Really these last 5 years have been hell, can't we have something amazing happen. And he whispers AGAIN, it will, its coming... but not yet! And I just want to raise my fists to the sky and scream profanities because I have absolutely no control over this chaos. NONE.... well maybe that is the whole point of this part of the journey.
Crap!
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Sleep... what is sleep?
Sleep... ahhh this is such a beautiful word! As kids we hate it, as teenagers we relish in it and as adults it becomes a vague concept that we lust after. I remember the days where I could sleep, and I mean SLEEP: that deep, nothing wakes you up kind of sleep. It was wonderful. Maybe all that sleeping in the teen and college years prepares you for the lack of sleep you get as an adult. I don't know.
I remember the first year and a half of being a mom, I felt, so much of the time that I was doing something wrong. That I must of been a horrible mother because of the issues we were having at our house. You see, we were blessed with this beautiful, rambunctious little boy, but boy has he given us a run for our money in the sleep department. I think that we soon realized that he was different. He held his head up the day he was born and was already tracking us with his eyes. To say he has a lot of energy... well that's an understatement. We spent most of our evenings in that first year and a half in utter stress. We tried all the methods of trying to get him to sleep. I read all the books, talked to the Drs. We tried EVERYTHING... and again and again people kept telling me that "we just needed to let him cry it out!" ummm hello! Don't you think we have tried that? I mean this in the kindest way but until you have a child like this there is just no way that you can possibly understand what this is like. I get it, I have a baby that is a great sleeper so I can see how it is so hard to understand this perspective. Our nights would consist of bouncing on the ball for hours while he screamed, and then finally bouncing him on my chest until he fell asleep and he would only stay asleep if he was snuggled right up next to me. Fast forward 3 and half years and our almost 5 year old still has these issues. As I have become more confident in my ability to be a mom and the decisions we have had to make for our family... and the massive amounts of research I have done. We have come to accept and realize that this is just the way that he is wired. We love how much his brain is always working, how incredibly kind and sweet and smart he is. This is just the way God created him, and I know as he gets older it will end up serving him for the better. The more I read and research I am comforted by the stories from other parents who have been in this place, and too felt like they were alone.
We have tried many different remedies and medications, and tactics to make bedtime easier, and sleep consistent and it has been futile.... until recently. I started using essential oils back in October to help with the sickness in our house. Every time I have used them I have been amazed at how well they work. Trying something new, I always go into it thinking " it isn't going to work for this!" and once again I am amazed.... so I thought I would try it for sleep. I tried playing with different oils to see what would work, at first we weren't very successful until we tried Vetiver and Cedarwood in the Diffuser. Now I am not going to tell you that these oils have fixed our problems 100%... we still don't get sleep continually at our house BUT, no joke since using this combo in our diffuser bedtime is peaceful and short. He is usually asleep within 20 minutes without screaming, getting out of bed, staying up until 10 because "he can't fall asleep". I am incredibly blessed to say that we have finally found something that works! Something that isn't harmful to his body. Something that is all natural and I could not be more happy! There is a light at the end of this long tunnel that someday (and I think soon) we will all be sleeping peacefully through the night.
My friends, I cannot wait for that to happen!
I remember the first year and a half of being a mom, I felt, so much of the time that I was doing something wrong. That I must of been a horrible mother because of the issues we were having at our house. You see, we were blessed with this beautiful, rambunctious little boy, but boy has he given us a run for our money in the sleep department. I think that we soon realized that he was different. He held his head up the day he was born and was already tracking us with his eyes. To say he has a lot of energy... well that's an understatement. We spent most of our evenings in that first year and a half in utter stress. We tried all the methods of trying to get him to sleep. I read all the books, talked to the Drs. We tried EVERYTHING... and again and again people kept telling me that "we just needed to let him cry it out!" ummm hello! Don't you think we have tried that? I mean this in the kindest way but until you have a child like this there is just no way that you can possibly understand what this is like. I get it, I have a baby that is a great sleeper so I can see how it is so hard to understand this perspective. Our nights would consist of bouncing on the ball for hours while he screamed, and then finally bouncing him on my chest until he fell asleep and he would only stay asleep if he was snuggled right up next to me. Fast forward 3 and half years and our almost 5 year old still has these issues. As I have become more confident in my ability to be a mom and the decisions we have had to make for our family... and the massive amounts of research I have done. We have come to accept and realize that this is just the way that he is wired. We love how much his brain is always working, how incredibly kind and sweet and smart he is. This is just the way God created him, and I know as he gets older it will end up serving him for the better. The more I read and research I am comforted by the stories from other parents who have been in this place, and too felt like they were alone.
We have tried many different remedies and medications, and tactics to make bedtime easier, and sleep consistent and it has been futile.... until recently. I started using essential oils back in October to help with the sickness in our house. Every time I have used them I have been amazed at how well they work. Trying something new, I always go into it thinking " it isn't going to work for this!" and once again I am amazed.... so I thought I would try it for sleep. I tried playing with different oils to see what would work, at first we weren't very successful until we tried Vetiver and Cedarwood in the Diffuser. Now I am not going to tell you that these oils have fixed our problems 100%... we still don't get sleep continually at our house BUT, no joke since using this combo in our diffuser bedtime is peaceful and short. He is usually asleep within 20 minutes without screaming, getting out of bed, staying up until 10 because "he can't fall asleep". I am incredibly blessed to say that we have finally found something that works! Something that isn't harmful to his body. Something that is all natural and I could not be more happy! There is a light at the end of this long tunnel that someday (and I think soon) we will all be sleeping peacefully through the night.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Uncomfortable
Have I mentioned that I am not a fan of trust? AT ALL! I don't like putting my faith in someone elses hands to figure it out for me. It is just easier if I do it myself, hence why I usually have too much on my plate and why I volunteer for a lot of stuff. I love planning, because I get to know exactly what is going on on all fronts. I feel like my issue with this has really been challenged this year. So many things in limbo, so many processes going on where I have absolutely no control over the outcome. Right now we are in the process of selling our house and buying another one. The process of loosing a family member. The process of going through my families stuff. I feel like someone took all my life cards and threw them up in the air! It is frustrating. And believe me when I say that I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity to even look for a new house, the process scares me. What is we make the wrong decision? Are we spending too much? What if our house doesn't sell? I know that asking this question gets me nowhere. And all the time, in the back of my head I hear over and over again " Have faith!" " trust the process"... but I don't want to! I want to know how it is all going to end up! I kind of have to have little talks with myself OFTEN about not freaking out and just relaxing.
I think as adults we often forget what growing feels like. When you are a kid, you get growing pains, you become moody, your sleep is interrupted. Its not a pretty process, but you have to do it. It is good for you... just like growing spiritually and in your life, it is painful, it is uncomfortable but it is good for you. In the end when all is said and done you are glad that you did it. So for now, I will just sit tight... loosen the reigns a little and try to Relax. Good thing I got a big ol' bottle of Stressaway!
I think as adults we often forget what growing feels like. When you are a kid, you get growing pains, you become moody, your sleep is interrupted. Its not a pretty process, but you have to do it. It is good for you... just like growing spiritually and in your life, it is painful, it is uncomfortable but it is good for you. In the end when all is said and done you are glad that you did it. So for now, I will just sit tight... loosen the reigns a little and try to Relax. Good thing I got a big ol' bottle of Stressaway!
Friday, March 6, 2015
TRUST
Its a five letter word. Pretty small, and everyone knows what it means but boy does it pack a punch. Wait... what? You want me to let go of my control and give it up to you??? Trust is always something I have a hard time with. I like control. I like to plan and I always love to know what is going on. My mom said that I drove them nuts as a kid, especially on vacation because of the change in structure, I struggled so hard with having control. I feel best when I know what is happening. This is a major point of self work I have had to do as I have gotten older and relying on him and leaning into God for him to lead me.
As I sit here in the midst of the dance of buying and selling a home. Feeling like the fact that I think we just found our dream house is going to be impossible. That we don't "deserve" to be this lucky. That still, small voice is reminding me that he works outside perimeters of time and space and that nothing is too big for him to handle. That if this is where we are supposed to be, then it will all work out.
Breath in, breath out. He's got this! I might, just might have to remind myself of this about every 5 seconds lol, but it is a work in progress.
As I sit here in the midst of the dance of buying and selling a home. Feeling like the fact that I think we just found our dream house is going to be impossible. That we don't "deserve" to be this lucky. That still, small voice is reminding me that he works outside perimeters of time and space and that nothing is too big for him to handle. That if this is where we are supposed to be, then it will all work out.
Breath in, breath out. He's got this! I might, just might have to remind myself of this about every 5 seconds lol, but it is a work in progress.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Not supposed to be this way
It's hard to watch you cry. I am only 32, almost 32 and yes way too young to loose both parents. That part isn't fair I know. But it isn't supposed to be this way. Parents are not supposed to loose their children. And as I sit their watching you, as you hold her baby dress that your mom made for her, crying it breaks my heart. I can't imagine being in this situation with my Ruby.
Grief is like this evil little monster. I know silly to call it that but it is. You walk around in life, get a little comfortable, start to feel safe and then bam it jumps out in front of you and you can't move. Did I think that cleaning out my moms closet today would make me this emotional? That I would be angry, irritated, sad and overwhelmed for the rest of the day? No. They are just clothes, but knowing that she will never be coming back to wear them, that is where it hurts. It's the beginning to things being final! I don't like that, not one bit. This is messy and raw and discombobbylated and for a girl that thrives on plans and order this makes me really really uncomfortable, because I don't have any control.
Grief is like this evil little monster. I know silly to call it that but it is. You walk around in life, get a little comfortable, start to feel safe and then bam it jumps out in front of you and you can't move. Did I think that cleaning out my moms closet today would make me this emotional? That I would be angry, irritated, sad and overwhelmed for the rest of the day? No. They are just clothes, but knowing that she will never be coming back to wear them, that is where it hurts. It's the beginning to things being final! I don't like that, not one bit. This is messy and raw and discombobbylated and for a girl that thrives on plans and order this makes me really really uncomfortable, because I don't have any control.
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