I choose Joy

For those of you who don't know, My middle name is Joy. I think it is pretty fitting in my life now as for the most part I am joyful. It wasn't always this way though. When I was younger I was often very negative and judgy. One of my co-workers said to me once " You're so negative" and started calling me negative Nancy. Although he was semi joking with this nickname his comment cut deep. If he thought I was negative, what did other people think? I didn't want to be considered a negative Nancy! This was a big wake up call. From then on, and a few nudges here and there from him I started to change my attitude. Every now and then he would slip a little " negative Nancy" in there as a reminder that I needed to shape up, and as a joke I would call him positive Paul. This banter back and forth lasted for about 3 years and man do I appreciate him saying this. Not then, but now I realize how thankful I am for pointing out this big flaw in me. Trust me when I say this... Choosing joy is NOT EASY.. It is continual. It is daily, it is sometimes hourly. But, for me I do not want to spend my life looking at all the things that have or are going wrong. This as a person who likes to worry about EVERYTHING is a big challenge.
I love this quote from Brene Brown because I think she explains what I do so well.

                  "Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience," Brown says. "And if
                   you cannot tolerate joy, what you do is you start dress rehearsing tragedy."
                   Dress rehearsing tragedy, she explains, is imagining something bad is going
                   to happen when in reality, nothing is wrong. "How many of you have ever
                    stood over your child while they're sleeping and thought, 'Oh my God, I
                  love you' -- and then pictured something horrific happening?" Brown asks.
                  "Or woke up in the morning and thought, 'Oh my gosh, job's going great.
                  Parents are good. This can't last."

Why is it so hard to live in the moment. Why do we doubt that it will last or that we don't deserve it? Why must it always be overshadowed by doubt or fear?

One thing this recent journey of mine is teaching me is that when I work for something that I am passionate about, despite my fear and doubt. I get to choose joy! I deserve all this awesomeness and I am proud to say that. I feel incredibly blessed to be on this journey. The women I have met, the peoples lives I am helping change and I am just so excited about it. March hasn't even started yet and I cannot wait for all the joy this month has to bring!!!

The missing

I miss you the most on the drive to and from work. That is usually when we would talk on the phone and I catch myself wanting to dial your number. It is a strange physical reaction that my brain has to catch up to.. like oh wait I can't do that. I find myself doing that more and more. I had my first post death dream last night. It wasn't the kind that we all long for where we really feel your presence. You were giving me advice, lol. I hate that this comes in waves. I just hate it. Thats all

Healing

I was laying with Kaleb tonight in his bed and he was very tired which usually means extra emotional. He was very weepy and as we laid there in the dark we started talking about what was bothering him.
" I miss Oma." thru Tears.
 Yeah me too buddy. So many questions about death and how we get to heaven and I just have no idea how to answer them all. I asked him what he missed the most and he said "talking to her and her songs." So we laid there in the dark and I sang " You are my sunshine" one of her favorites to sing to me as child, one of the last songs I sang to her before she died and one of the ones she sang to Kaleb and Ru all the time. Wow.. I have been so numb these last two weeks. Literally no feelings at all. I haven't been sad or mad or anything like that. It amazes me as I let myself be really, really vulnerable with my son there in the dark, missing Oma, how I started to feel. How I let myself feel and we cried together. Sometimes I am blown away how the sweet vulnerability of a child can unravel us. It all comes easy to them, too easy. They haven't learned to hold it back or built a wall to not feel.
I am incredibly thankful for this moment because it helped me let it out, even though it was painful. I know that through this it is showing my son that "showing ourselves" is not a bad thing. That "feeling" is OK, and good, that we will be better for it. And when we let ourselves feel it, I mean really feel it.. all out ugly, don't make a sound cry, that is when the healing comes.

Grace

I am not great about giving myself grace. I am really hard on myself. I see every mis-step as a failure and it is really, really hard for me to be less than what I expect for myself. Needless to say I am always falling short, because I expect a lot. Not the most fun way to live. I am really having to practice the art of giving myself grace in this season of my life. While at counseling yesterday my counselor told me that I am not going to be my normal self for a while. Ewww. I really don't like that. Most days I feel kind of like a dog surrounded by squirrels. Unable to concentrate on anything, easily overwhelmed; someone asking me to make a decision is hard. I can't focus and I'm not all here. I don't want to not be my regular Emily self. I want things to be normal, and yeah I know there is no such thing. But I don't like this place of being easily deterred or distracted. Grief is strange that way. It might not present itself in sadness but in the inability to be fully present. To have a really hard time with every day life. I remember my mom explaining this after my dad died, that little things like going to the grocery store were hard, or committing to an engagement because everything was overwhelming. I now know exactly what she means. I was doing some reading today on what it means to give yourself grace and came upon this....

Truly giving yourself grace isn’t about giving yourself anything. It’s about being open to His grace and fully accepting it, not just for the big hurdles, but for the tiny every day stumbles.
All the glory is His alone, and all true grace comes from Him alone.

Numb

I am numb. I still can't really believe that she is gone. I keep catching myself thinking of things that I need to ask her or tell her and then realize that she won't be here to answer them anymore. It is surreal. In a way, I lost my mom a while ago. The same things happened with my dad after his first brain surgery. Cancer has a way of stripping you bare. No matter how hard you try, there are parts of you that you never get back. Cancer ravaged her body down to nothing, and yes my moms soul was still here, she was still with us but not really with us. We have prepped at least as much as we could for this for a long time. We knew it was coming, although there is no way you can prepare for the finality of it. Is it normal that we are feeling numb? That there is lack of feeling? We keep asking ourselves this question and I think it is "normal", if there even is a normal. I once had someone tell me that "normal" is just a setting on the dryer.
Thinking about how quickly our body can strip us makes me think that is it odd that God would give us such fragile weak bodies to contain such strong souls. In the blink of an eye one wrong move, one precise injury, one small cell can end it all. It seems silly really. You would think that he would want to protect his precious cargo with steel. A body of armor. However thinking further here, maybe that was the whole purpose from the beginning. This fragile , weak body as a subtle reminder that this is not our home. That we weren't made for this and our bodies failing us is just one of the transitions we make on our way to our real home. After all, his design was perfect even if we don't understand it.

Day 4

     I don't like this... one... single... bit. If you ask me how I am doing I will say "fine" or sometimes "good" depending on the hour of the day, and granted the more I have to do the better I feel but it is really such a loaded question. And trust me this is always the first question out of my mouth because we just don't know what to say in times like this. It is hard to answer. Today I think it has really hit me, ahhh yes, I remember this feeling well. Depression, not a welcome friend in my house. I remember this after I had my two babies and certainly when my dad passed away. The being EXAUSTED ALL THE TIME, not having the motivation to do anything and disengaging. And I am perfectly aware that this is what is happening but can't really stop it. It is overwhelming and there isn't anything I can do to make it go away. IT SUCKS! Major. I know many things that help, writing like I am doing now, crying which is hard to come by at times, exercising... not my favorite. I also know it won't always feel like this. That there will be plenty of good days. That the Sun always shines even when we are in the darkest places, we just might not be able to see it as well.
   I know many of you are wondering how you can help and I know I speak for my whole family when I say this. Your prayers, thoughts and gestures of kindness are helping carry us. Keep doing what you are doing, truly it means sooooooooooo much.
Love to all of you reading this!
Em

Vulnerable

Hmm... OK so I was challenged by my team to read this book called "Daring Greatly" by Brene` Brown. I didn't know much about it except for the excerpt on the front cover " How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parents and lead." I thought that this sounded pretty interesting. I consider myself a pretty vulnerable person... that is until I really dig deep and start looking. 5 pages in and I knew that I was in deep trouble. This book was going to change me, is changing me. I can be vulnerable on here, to my invisible audience, through a text or email because I don't have to worry about really being "seen." This part of being vulnerable is easy. It then dawned on me why I HATE crying. I literally hate it more than barfing, and anyone that knows me well knows throwing up is at the top of my list. Seriously, I get embarrassed crying in my car on the freeway. What if people see me??? This is ridiculous. When I really think of why I hate crying SO much, it all comes down to being vulnerable. To let people see me. I am exposed, I cannot hide. I am in view. AND THAT SUCKS! I realize that I check out a lot. I keep myself busy with things I can do, can get done and be done well. I keep engaged with my phone so I don't have to face painful things. I check out when it comes to dealing with hard things; problems in my marriage, parenting, weight loss.... should I keep going? I don't like being seen, like you know what i mean REALLY SEEN, look into your soul kind of knowing because it makes me uncomfortable. I start to twitch. What is at the core of that though? Do I feel like I am not worthy of being seen? That I am not enough? You know, I'm not sure... I know this is something that I will have to explore as I am reading this and examining my life.
   I have been a perfectionist at heart from the very beginning, add in a big ol dose of Obsessive compulsive behavior and we have the perfect storm. Being vulnerable means that I have to show that I am not perfect (OK I know that I am NOWHERE NEAR PERFECT) but being vulnerable makes that blatantly obvious. Can't we just pretend? Please??? Asking for help means I can't do it by myself. Trying something new means that I might fail or look bad. Two quotes that have resonated with me so far, and I am only halfway in with about every other page bookmarked and underlines is this:
" What would you attempt to do if you knew you would never fail?"

"Only when we're brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."

WOW! What kind of example am I setting for my kids by checking out because it is too hard, or not trying because it is too much work. They might not see it now but they will later. And for goodness sakes, what immense blessings am I missing out on because I wont lean into the hard?
I have been on this journey this last few months that is challenging me in ways I never imagined. I really feel like God opened this door for me and asked me to go on this ride, and sometimes taking that leap of faith, taking a risk and leaning into the hard, the unknown can wield unbelievable blessings.