It's Saving me

 I came home from my Club Dance workout class last night and on my way home I was filled with this sense of Awesomeness. So much so that it made me cry! Its hard to explain, or maybe you know exactly what I am talking about. Because for years people have tried to explain this "workout high" to me or tell me that working out will make me feel better and I never believed them because out of all the times I tried it I never felt it. 
  This is saving me. I feel it. I feel strong. I feel powerful when I am in there. Granted I have no coordination, I'm at least 70 lbs over weight and I probably look like a fool but who the fuck cares! Sorry, it deserved a swear word there ;) I have been struggling these last few months with really bad with depression. This large grey cloud that seems to follow me everywhere. I know most of it is related to my moms death, but so many other things also. The real shitty thing about depression is you can know something is wrong and you can't just "change it". It is a process, a long frustrating process. Most of the time, I don't want to leave the house... I make myself because I am not going to turn into that but it gives me a lot of anxiety. Being around people, planning things, events give me anxiety. 
 I have been real tired for a long time of where I am at with my health, and lets be honest I have been half assing it for a while just "partially" changing my eating, or going on a walk here and there but never consistent. And where that has gotten me is somewhere I don't want to be. Where I am is not comfortable physically or emotionally. After a nice push from a good friend who knows my crap, I decided to join a gym 3 weeks ago, and yes I am only three weeks in but I feel different. I am taking back control of my life and doing something good for myself. Seriously H, your words are ringing true in my ear all the time now. There is SO MUCH power in this, and I want to shout it from the rooftops that you can feel like this too!!!! I know I am just in the beginning and I hope that as I continue this feeling doesn't wear. I do have my club dance class that is ridiculously fun to keep me going though. Hey if you want to join me, let me know! We can look like fools together!

Parenting is HARD STUFF

  I was sitting on Ruby's bed last night rubbing her back as she was just falling asleep. She had just got done trashing her room, peed on the floor twice because she refused for wear a diaper. As I looked at her I couldn't help but think " This is so hard" Bedtime is SO hard at our house right now, ok lets be honest bedtime has always been slightly hellacious at our house. Having two VERY strong willed children and then one of them doesn't need a lot of sleep... you can imagine. Please do for a minute ;)There are times when I hear my mom as clear as day say "Paybacks a bitch" and I laugh because it is. Anyway, as I was sitting there just thinking about how there are days that I don't want to do this, that it just seems like too much and that it shouldn't be that hard I really felt the question " what is God trying to teach me" ring out. It made me take a step back. I was just like this, probably worse as a child and I turned out ok right? My strong will has worked well to serve me as I have gotten older.
  What am I learning from this super challenging experience? How am I being stretched, and believe me I am, we are. Kids have a way of bringing out the worst in you sometimes and if you are able to look at it, you get to see all the crap you need to work on, all the stuff you aren't good at. You get to see how you can be better, do better, teach them to be better. It is humbling really. As a parent I think we spend a lot of our time focusing on what we are doing wrong, how we are scarring our kids for life or doing exactly what our parents did that we SWORE WE WOULD NEVER DO...but instead of feeling guilty for not being the PERFECT PARENT (ha ha ha), I am choosing to use what I see as a challenge to be better. Do do my best to raise my kiddos to love Jesus, know that it is ok to make mistakes and try to do better, to be loving and kind and grow into confident adults and man that is HARD WORK!
  Friends, moms, dads - Don't discredit yourselves. We are all doing a fabulous job. It is hard stuff. Super hard stuff. SUPER, SUPER and all the hard stuff is where the meat is at. This is it. This is where the good stuff happens. Isn't conquering the really hard stuff where we end up feeling the most pride. The I did it's?
 

Accountability

I have been seeing my naturopath again to figure out what is going wrong with my thyroid. Well after some lab work, we know that it isn't working very well and my adrenals are WAY OUT OF WHACK! So 10+ supplements later here we are. Step on the road to better health. My main goal with this is to feel better and get healthy. I am at an all time high with my weight and to be honest, or if you have been reading my blog you already know I have been pretty depressed. I need to do something different. After a good talk with a very close friend who knows how to give it to me straight I decided to join a gym and get my eating in order, which my naturopath suggested, but hearing it from a friend too was what I needed.
My first thought was that wasn't going to tell anyone about this until I was successful. Wait... why? What was my intention behind this? I know one was that I don't want to have to explain YET AGAIN that I have failed at an eating plan or workout plan for the billionth time. That I am ashamed that I am starting over AGAIN. But the more I thought about keeping my little plan a secret, the more it made me realize that I am setting myself up for failure. Putting myself in a place where  I don't have to be held accountable has a lot of freedom. I don't have to answer to anyone which is awesome!!! Well not really because where has that gotten me in the past? ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE, sitting in front of a bag of chips. I need my friends and family to know, and yeah it is embarrassing  but I can't hide from this. I need to do something for my physical health, emotional health and lets me honest some much needed down time, even if that means I need to spend it working out.
 I know that I am not going to be perfect and there will be days where I don't do so hot but I need to focus on movement in the right direction not perfection. So, here is to a new start, a new chapter that is going to be HARD and PAINFUL! I'm doing it!

Tears

I'm not good with letting myself feel it. I usually try to avoid it all by keeping me myself busy, usually by cleaning something which is exactly what I did when I got home from work tonight. Deep clean mania. It took a 2 year old throwing ANOTHER MASSIVE tantrum for me to loose it and I decided that I just needed to think of all the things that were pissing me off and making me sad, and just let the tears come.. And then the sobs. I know it's good for me, I know that but feeling this way is awful. I am so lonely and I really hate admitting that but I am. Yet at the same time I don't want to be around anyone because I have to pretend to be happy, to be ok and I'm not. Most of the time I just feel like telling everyone to fuck off. This isn't me, you know that. I am easy going, kind, gentle and love people but this stage of whatever the F(I will keep my swearing to a minimum here) this is, is overtaking me. I miss my mom so much. Just talking to her on the phone about our days and I know there are so many people that will do that for me but it's not the same. She got everything about me and nothing can replace that.

My therapist told me something the other day that pissed me off. He said " what you are waking through is rich." Wtf? I almost punched him. Rich? What this is does not feel like a rich experience. After thinking about it I get it. This is molding me, changing me and change is hard. It hurts, it's painful and I know EVENTUALLY even though it is nowhere in my sight line I will look back on this and be thankful for parts. For the growth, the lessons, the grace. I just can't see it right now.

Also I wanted to clarify after thinking about this post this morning. I don't want it to seem like I hate my life, that I am unthankful or that there is nothing good happening. NOT THE CASE AT ALL. Grief and depressions just have this overlay that goes over the top of it. There are lots of great things happening in life, things I am excited about or enjoy but at the same time there is also a sadness that blankets that. Its very hard to explain if you haven't experienced it

Unglued

This weeks therapy session unglued me. I was so emotionally exhausted afterwards, all I wanted to do was sleep. I spent most of the session crying, and if you know me that isn't something I like doing... like EVER! Something about crying is so humiliating to me when it comes to personal stuff because if you see me crying at a movie, no biggie, or with a friend or even seeing someone cry it doesn't bother me. But lets pull out that vulnerability card and I am just not good with it.I want to be strong. I want to have it all together. Lets be honest here.. I don't. I mean, no one does but I REALLY don't right now. It takes all my energy just to function right now. No wonder I am exhausted and cranky all the time. I remember too vividly after my dad died, my mom telling me that it was so hard just to go to the grocery store and I didn't understand that kind of grief. I could empathize, but I didn't understand...until now.

I am going to be honest. Right now, I HATE when people ask me how I am doing. It is such a loaded question and if you are reading this don't feel bad. It is always the first thing out of our mouth and it is just what we do here in our society.I just don't know how to answer it. Most people don't want to hear how shitty I am feeling. How depressed I am or how I feel like I can't keep it together, much less see my cry. So I say I am good and I smile. I hate lying but I am not really sure what else to do. I feel flat out shame that my life is a mess right now and that I don't have everything put together in their nice little boxes. Hearing that thought come out of my brain right now makes me laugh, because that is ridiculously unrealistic. My therapist said to me the other day " What you have and are going through right now would crush most people, and the fact that you can even talk about it like you do is a really good sign. GIVE YOURSELF SOME GRACE". We all know I am not good with that. Part of the perfectionist in me, but something I am working on.

I don't talk about it with anyone except my husband but the reality that both my parents aren't here anymore is crushing. It is lonely and trying to figure out what the structure of my family is, is overwhelming. I miss what my family used to look like before my dad got sick. I'm sad. And, I feel responsible as the oldest to try to put it back together. The honest truth, the hard truth though is that no matter how hard I try to put it back together, I can't. We have to start over because the foundation that made our family is gone. Going back to my house that I grew up in is really hard too because the people that made it home are gone. Now it is just stuff. It doesn't mean anything, it doesn't feel the same because the life that made it isn't there.

Writing has helped me so much. It is the one thing I can do that lets me get it all out even if it doesn't make sense. I am thankful for you who read it, who encourage me, love on me and support me through this hard stage when you probably don't know what to do! For that, Thank you!

Love,

Em