I kind of, and by kind of I mean like A LOT, set up pretty big expectations for myself. Perfectionist at heart, and this can be a very good thing because I can be quite productive but it also means I end up adding a lot of unnecessary stress to my life. Since I am having a hard time in general with just functioning in every day activities I have been really working on toning my life down and cutting back which has been hard for me because I love to say YES and like to be busy.To give you an idea, we are taking a kid free vacation in October at an all inclusive adults only resort and I am worrying about being bored and having too much time on my hands. Who does this?
Yesterday was an awesome day at home. There was literally NO screaming, fighting, epic meltdown etc. I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what was different.... you know what was different? You know what I am going to say, don't you? ME! I was the only thing, that I could think of anyway that was different. I was calm, I wasn't stressed, I was interacting with the kids and paying more attention and it was wonderful!
I had come to the decision/realization yesterday about an expectation on something in my life that I had. I was holding myself to an impossible standard that was causing quite a bit of underlying stress that I didn't even realize. Yesterday, I decided to drop it. I decided that I can only do what I can do, and although the change and growth may be way slower than I want I can't do anything about that, and that is OK! I might have to repeat this to myself every day for a while until I get it ingrained into my brain, because my tendency is to try to grab the reigns back and control it again to get better results, but that usually (mostly always) gets me NO-WHERE!Through my devotion and other little things that are happening in my life, I keep getting little reminders to step back and let God carry me through this part. That he has my best interest in mind and even though things are not where I want them to be, which is totally OK. It really is, that I will get there!
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Friday, June 19, 2015
please excuse my sporadic post
Sometimes I think that my friends and family think I am nuts... Unstable. I will admit that I feel quite bipolar these days. It doesn't take much to make me angry, I cry at the drop of a hat, get easily offended and let's not even talk about getting overwhelmed. Friends, let me introduce you to my little, not so friend, friend: grief. I am still learning that this is what this is. We are a little over four months in and instead of it getting easier it gets harder. It's hard to explain, I'm not sad all the time but it's there just in other ways. I am doing my best to hold it together but it doesn't take much to get me unglued and I hate it. I hate not being in control. I hate that a bill that is larger than normal or the Internet not working sends me over the edge. THIS is not a place where I want to be, but I don't have a choice. I don't get to choose when to grieve, if just kind of sneaks up on you and after a few days of very strange behavior you are like " oh yeah... There you are! I remember you!"
I find it interesting that about a month or so after someone passes all the people that were there during and right after kind of fade away. I'm not saying this as a criticism, it is just kind of the nature of how we do things, but when it comes down to it, this is when we need you most. Months in when it really starts to settle, the first Christmas, big holidays. Grief is EXHAUSTING, and lonely.
I just needed to write.
I find it interesting that about a month or so after someone passes all the people that were there during and right after kind of fade away. I'm not saying this as a criticism, it is just kind of the nature of how we do things, but when it comes down to it, this is when we need you most. Months in when it really starts to settle, the first Christmas, big holidays. Grief is EXHAUSTING, and lonely.
I just needed to write.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Change is in the air
I can feel it when God is challenging me to do something different. Can I tell you that this feeling is very uncomfortable and causes me to freak out a little bit... and by a little bit I mean A LOT. I don't like feeling like I am in a place where I have no idea what is going on, and of course my first go to is to try to fix it by 1. making a decision or 2. figuring out the future plan... of which I have no control over so it ends up being a futile effort.
There is something in my life that I have been praying about a lot the last couple of months. My ability and desire to stay home part time. This desire is so a part of me now that it is often all I can think about. It is scary having this dream because of the possibility that it might not happen and that would cause a lot of disappointment. I have no idea how this is going to happen because we just bought a house and the finances for me to do that aren't there. Unfortunately because this is where my heart is, it makes where I am right now feel discontented. I have been praying about it a lot because there is a business opportunity that could really help me get to a place where this is feasible but with that comes many obstacles... so to go all in and be scared because I have no idea what the future holds or pull back because its safe.
I pulled out my devotional today "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young, if you don't have this I would recommend it. I love it so much! This is what today's message said.
" You are my beloved Child. I chose you before the foundation of the work to walk with me along paths designed uniquely for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with me, instead of trying to anticipate my plans for you. If you trust that my plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment. Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternity and ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you and spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and my purposes.
Obviously he was speaking to me in this passage. Even though this brings great comfort it is still a constant struggle for me, and honestly growing pains really suck! So, for now I will just sit back and wait in him, and his timing and know that that probably won't mean my timing, and I know that is ok but definitely not easy.
There is something in my life that I have been praying about a lot the last couple of months. My ability and desire to stay home part time. This desire is so a part of me now that it is often all I can think about. It is scary having this dream because of the possibility that it might not happen and that would cause a lot of disappointment. I have no idea how this is going to happen because we just bought a house and the finances for me to do that aren't there. Unfortunately because this is where my heart is, it makes where I am right now feel discontented. I have been praying about it a lot because there is a business opportunity that could really help me get to a place where this is feasible but with that comes many obstacles... so to go all in and be scared because I have no idea what the future holds or pull back because its safe.
I pulled out my devotional today "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young, if you don't have this I would recommend it. I love it so much! This is what today's message said.
" You are my beloved Child. I chose you before the foundation of the work to walk with me along paths designed uniquely for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with me, instead of trying to anticipate my plans for you. If you trust that my plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment. Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternity and ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and well being. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you and spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and my purposes.
Obviously he was speaking to me in this passage. Even though this brings great comfort it is still a constant struggle for me, and honestly growing pains really suck! So, for now I will just sit back and wait in him, and his timing and know that that probably won't mean my timing, and I know that is ok but definitely not easy.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Dream BIGGER....
This weekend I had the AMAZING opportunity to Go camping with around 350 other Lemon Droppers on the Young Living Farm in Utah. It was AMAZING!! Seriously, when people ask me to tell them about it, I really don't even know how to answer that question. I am without words. I am still trying to process all the awesome information and little gold nuggets that I learned this weekend.MIND BLOWN. About 6 months ago I decided to take a leap of faith and through much prayer and hesitation (because if you know me, you know I LOVE a plan) jumped into oils both feet knowing that if I felt that God wanted me to do this that I needed to commit and trust him. Trusting him, trusting the process, trusting my dreams, trusting that people are going to be rude and non supportive and it is still a daily struggle because it is something that I don't have any control over, but I am learning SO MUCH about myself. There have been many times where I wanted to quit, where I felt defeated by someones words, that I thought it was too hard but I am going to keep pushing because I can taste this. To give up now, to let the struggles take that away from me would Rob me of my Dream. The Good stuff, the really good stuff doesn't come easy. You have to work for it!
I never would of thought six months ago that I would of have the opportunity to travel to see a Young living farm, nor did I have the desire to do so. There are quite a few desires that have been laid on my heart these last 6 months that I had no idea I even had. You know how we often say " oh, someday that would be nice to be able to do this" but we don't really think it will ever happen. That is how I have felt about this dream in particular, and to be honest I never spoke it out loud because actually saying it meant that there was a possibility that the dream and desire might not happen... and I don't like to fail. My Big dream right now, well among MANY others is to work from home. To have the flexibility to be there for my kids 100% of the time. I am going to be really vulnerable right now. I love my job, I love working, I love having time away from my family... but I don't love the hardship it puts on our family, the stress that comes with trying to balance it all. In the 18 months that I have started working full time, I have gained 18 pounds. That is a pound a month of stress! Ewww! My kids miss me. I miss many opportunities to be there for them and I HATE that I am constantly being pulled in two different directions.
After this weekend I decided that I am going to commit to this dream 100%. I will say it out loud, I will think about it, I will work towards it and you know what... IT will happen. I feel it in my core. I not only feel incredibly blessed by this opportunity in my life to be able to share essential oils and a different way of living with other people, but also the incredible friendships I have made and the awesome opportunities that have not financially been possible in the past. For the first time this year Kavin and I are going on a week long trip to Mexico, all inclusive, adults only vacation and we were able to splurge on some awesome things that we wouldn't of been able to do in the past. That is all possible because I took a leap of faith. I am really enjoying watching God work in my life and seeing the amazing fruits that come from being faithful and willing!
If you want to know anything about Essential Oils or want to contact me please let me know! I would love to hear from you
www.thegoodoils.com/emilyb
I never would of thought six months ago that I would of have the opportunity to travel to see a Young living farm, nor did I have the desire to do so. There are quite a few desires that have been laid on my heart these last 6 months that I had no idea I even had. You know how we often say " oh, someday that would be nice to be able to do this" but we don't really think it will ever happen. That is how I have felt about this dream in particular, and to be honest I never spoke it out loud because actually saying it meant that there was a possibility that the dream and desire might not happen... and I don't like to fail. My Big dream right now, well among MANY others is to work from home. To have the flexibility to be there for my kids 100% of the time. I am going to be really vulnerable right now. I love my job, I love working, I love having time away from my family... but I don't love the hardship it puts on our family, the stress that comes with trying to balance it all. In the 18 months that I have started working full time, I have gained 18 pounds. That is a pound a month of stress! Ewww! My kids miss me. I miss many opportunities to be there for them and I HATE that I am constantly being pulled in two different directions.
After this weekend I decided that I am going to commit to this dream 100%. I will say it out loud, I will think about it, I will work towards it and you know what... IT will happen. I feel it in my core. I not only feel incredibly blessed by this opportunity in my life to be able to share essential oils and a different way of living with other people, but also the incredible friendships I have made and the awesome opportunities that have not financially been possible in the past. For the first time this year Kavin and I are going on a week long trip to Mexico, all inclusive, adults only vacation and we were able to splurge on some awesome things that we wouldn't of been able to do in the past. That is all possible because I took a leap of faith. I am really enjoying watching God work in my life and seeing the amazing fruits that come from being faithful and willing!
If you want to know anything about Essential Oils or want to contact me please let me know! I would love to hear from you
www.thegoodoils.com/emilyb
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)