I've been here before

This road is familiar to me... I have walked this once before and although I would prefer that no one has to walk down this road, well, here I am smack dab in the middle of it again. People have told me it isn't fair, I am so angry for you, I am so sorry, you are so strong. I appreciate these sentiments so much and the comfort behind them. It isn't fair, it is angering, it sucks and well I don't know how really strong I am lol. I know that there is someone much bigger than myself giving me strength right now, holding me up because I couldn't do this by myself.. If you ask me how I am doing I don't know if I know how to answer that question. I feel numb. I am not crying all the time, I am not angry right now... I am just numb. MY grief expresses itself in irritation,and withdrawal. There is a very hard thing about waiting. Waiting for something to happen, for you to get that call, for a turn for the worse. It is torture. Sometimes, and excuse me if I sound brash I think when someone passes unexpectedly it is a blessing. I am only speaking this from the side of not experiencing that.You don't have to watch your best friend become a shell of the person they once were. You don't have to watch them in constant pain or watch them loose all that is important to them.
There is no way that you can prepare yourself to loose someone you love. Yes you can think about what it will be like but it is nothing like the actual experience. I think our logical brains try to compartmentalize the process and figure out how we can organize it to process it better but it is fruitless. I know this because grief is not a process that is ever done. I thought this with my dad, that he would pass and I would grieve and be done; but grief is like this awful thing (I don't even have a word for it) that comes back again and again and reopens the wounds at the most unexpected time. Granted the wound gets a little smaller every time, and bleeds a little less but it still hurts.
I know that in the end although my moms story will be finished here on earth in her body, her story will live on through our memories, through our hearts for others, through our love for each other and that also she will be fully restored in heaven. In this situation, there is no greater gift than knowing full restoration and healing will happen. And to know that even though this is not at all what we want to happen that Gods plan in this is much bigger than ours.

Thank you to everyone who continually lifts us up in prayers, thoughts and encouragement. We are comforted by such a huge community of people, it is truly amazing. Thank you extended family.

I've got a dream....

      If any of you have ever watched the movie Tangled, you know this song well. " Ive, got a dream, Ive got a dream..." And I do. I don't think up until this last month or so that I really realized it was a dream as much as I thought it was. It was also something nagging in the back of my head as " someday, that would be nice" But I never thought that it would be possible, unless we won the lottery. My dream is this: To stay home part time or work from home. I have always been a hard worker, usually working two jobs. And although the last 7 years I was working" part time" at Red Robin, I was also working "part time" as a substitute teacher and my schedule was CRAZY! I love to work, it is just in my nature so staying at home full time is really difficult for me. I am not one of those people that can do it very easily, although I will say that was the hardest job I have ever had. I have, in the past wracked my brain to see if there was something creative I could do from home, but I am not a very creative person.
      Last December I starter working full time at a 8-5 job and although I love my job, I really do. I love the kind of work I do and how I am making a difference in peoples lives. I do, however miss out on taking my son to preschool and being more involved in his school activities. And just recently my 22 month old daughter keeps looking at me saying " momma home" and smiles. It really tugs at my heart strings  A LOT. About a month ago an opportunity was dropped on my lap and in a very unconventional way. My friend told me about these essential oils that could help with our health and honestly I thought she was a little crazy. What can oils do for me? but since we had a VERY rough year illness wise I thought I would give it a shot. I started trying it for this, and then for that and EVERY SINGLE time I used them I was amazed at how well they worked. I have since been researching and learning like crazy about essential oils and all the great things that you can do with them and I am So excited!!! When I first started using them, I knew nothing and I wanted ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the business side of things. To be frank, selling stuff makes me want to throw up a little bit. I think it is invasive and it makes me really, really uncomfortable. This is where this company is amazing and completely different. There is no selling, there is no requirement and no risk. So I share about how I am using my oils and if people are interested them the oils sell themselves. I prayed about this opportunity a lot and I felt like this really was a door being opened up for me. And ever since starting on this oily journey, especially when in doubt I have been blessed with encouragement from so many angles. I know there are a lot of people out there that think I am crazy, and well if I am then I am but I can tell you these Oils are doing some pretty awesome stuff for our family, and what can I say! I'm excited about it!
   So for now, I will keep doing what I'm doing and dreaming big dreams, because I know that either way God's got me.

Psalms 37:
Trust in the Lord and do good
then you will live safely in the land and prosper
Take delight in the lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

And he shall...

My heart

     I am learning so much about my heart lately. I took at job about a year ago at the Oregon state hospital as a teacher. I know Crazy right? No pun intended. I NEVER EVER EVER thought that I would be working here. My degree is in elementary education and I love kids, so when I applied I thought there was a fat chance in hell that I would even get an interview, yet here I am 1 week away from a year later and LOVING IT! I knew that if God opened up this door for me there was a reason and I needed to trust that and trust me that has been hard. There have been quite a few moments when I thought "What the heck am I doing here?" 
     In the past I never had an interest in working with at risk populations. I didn't want a teaching job at a low income school ( I know that sounds horrible), one of my student teaching experiences changed my perspective on this, I wouldn't take sub jobs in resource rooms because I was scared I wouldn't know what to do. And here I am today working with a huge population of people at risk that have committed some pretty heinous things. And God is teaching me sooo much! He is teaching me that I have a huge heart for this type of population. That there is nothing someone can do that falls outside of his realm of grace and if I am even able to convey a little bit of that grace daily then that is awesome! Even though part of this process has been painful and stretching me in new ways I am so thankful for the opportunity to open up my mind and heart and learn about this community of mental illness. This is quickly growing to be something that is very near and dear to my heart.
   It really is amazing when you walk through a door that God has opened with complete faith that he knows what he is doing. The possibilities are endless!

Waves

This seems to be a recurrent theme in my life. I do fine for a while, have it all under control (or so I think) and then BAM.... I'm swept under. I am at a place in my life right now where I feel like I am drowning. It takes all my effort just to tread water, and I guess that is to be expected on some level. These last four years have been incredibly rough, my dad dying, now my mom dying, starting a new full time job, sleep training, teething, having two kids... should I keep going? And I am EXHAUSTED. I live in a lot of Anxiety these days. Cannot read the paper or watch the news and sometimes just watching people out in public gives me anxiety. I am going to therapy and of course get lots of suggestions on what I can do to reduce my stress level, although its not like I can really take any of the big things that are creating stress out of my life right now... KNOWING what you are supposed to do to help yourself, and being able to pick yourself out of the ditch to DO the stuff that you know will help are two very different things. I feel very isolated, and in truth because I have been isolating myself. Often talking about it is too hard, even to my husband. Once that emotional wound is opened up it is very hard to close. And I also feel that when I talk about it, because these things have been so recurrent that it just gets old to people so I just don't. I could really use some prayer right now, our whole family could. I am having a hard time finding God in this very dark time. I know that he is there, but it all feels like so much at this moment. 
I know that some of you have been on the receiving end of my emotional, distant, irritated behavior and I apologize. It is never my intention to come across that way.

I love this song right now

Oceans
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Courage Rising

" Sometimes the Darkness seems Thickest in the unknown."

 * Note: A good portion of this is quotes from the actual word on Sunday. Especially the really intelligent sounding ones :)

     This was the topic on Sunday at church and man did it speak to my heart. Jenn Roth talked about the story of Esther and how she rose out of such an impossible situation to do great things. I think we often think of dark times in our lives as just part of the human existence, this is just stuff that we all have to deal with, being human. But what if the darkness was created for us, to give us the opportunity to shine brightly. We were born into a battle. We live in the time between perfection in the garden and the perfection of Eternity. This battle is the source of darkness and this darkness is an opportunity to shine. When Satan was cast down, he was cast down to EARTH. He was already here waiting.How often, after we encounter something dark that we thought was impossible, do we see growth? Do we see a stronger versions of ourselves that we didn't know existed? I know I have seen that in myself in different situations throughout my life. 
     There were four main parts to this word. 
Awareness: When we have awareness about what is happening and our role in it we are able to proceed into these often pitch black circumstances. 
Acceptance: Is God Calling me to action? What is my purpose in this darkness. How am I going to shine?
Ask for help: Seek God and ask for help. To rise with courage. Because when we encounter darkness in our lives, we shine brightly when we lean into him. God is present even when we can't see him or feel him. I have such a hard time with this. Always wanting to do it by myself. I think as a society we often think of needing help as a weakness, but what if you not letting someone help you with their role, prevents you from fulfilling your own roll. Let us support and help each other in these dark struggles in life.
Action: How am I being called to action. Often there is no guarantee of the outcome.Sometimes our roll is encourager, other times its blessing others with our time or resources, lending an ear to listen, praying from a distance. Even if we aren't directly in that darkness, we often play a roll in the darkness of the people that we love. I know I have a hard time stepping out in faith when I don't know the outcome. And its hard when you know that the outcome isn't always good.

 Our hope is not based on a happily ever after. Out hope is based in a King that redeems. The devil wins battles on earth, but not the final battle in death. GOD IS PRESENT!!!

No holds bar.

    Put on a happy face. Well, that's what I have been doing. People often ask me how I am doing, and I say I am doing ok. The thing is I am not doing very well. I am not handling this well. I feel numb most of the time and checked out. Its easier that way, because if I check back in sometimes its too painful. I know I should be talking about it more, crying more but I don't want to. Right now, its just easier to pretend that this all isn't happening. I know that isn't healthy, which is precisely why I am writing this. I need to talk more about it. Bare myself and be raw about how I feel, my anger, my pain not for anyone else but so that I can begin to process through some of this. The way I have been handling it so far is eating, and as I have gained weight here and there, now at my all time high... its time I change that. Its very strange because anyone that knows me knows that I am a very emotional person. It doesn't bother me at all when people cry, and I cry easily at cute videos or moving stories. Yet, when it comes to being vulnerable about pain in my life, crying is right up there with throwing up. I HATE IT! Like please stick a bag over my head so no one has to see me! Unfortunately there is no guide book or step by step process for grief, and you would think that since I have experienced this before with my dad that I would kind of know what to do, but it is harder this time. I am hoping that through this blog, just writing it, even if no one reads it that I will be able to open up a little bit more and FEEL.

Beware - A little Heavy

         Wow, This song has been my theme song this year. So many times I have heard it and felt like he was speaking about my life. This last year, heck last 4 years have not been easy to say the least. I got pregnant with Kaleb, was finishing my thesis for Grad school, working two jobs and found out my dad was dying of Cancer, HELLO! Then got pregnant with Ruby, found out my mom had cancer and started a new job. I honestly have NO IDEA how in the heck I have not been completely overwhelmed all the time. I do truly believe that God blessed me with both my babies at perfect timing in my life. 
       However, as I am sitting here wondering how I am going to trudge through this deep, deep valley and  it seems like every time I come over the crest of the hill there is another huge valley in front of me. When will I catch a break?  Even though I am faced with something I don't wish on anyone, I have to believe that there is a reason God lets these things happen. What that is? I have no idea and yes there are times where is very hard not to be angry at God for letting us experience so much pain. When will what we have gone through, are going through or will go through be enough? It is hard enough as it is to not be completely overwhelmed by the pain of the world without having to add personal loss on top of that.
If I don't have faith I have nothing. Even when I am angry, the very core of me believes this.


                                                                    
                                                                                                "Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Smooth like Glass

    I happened to be a first responder to a horrific accident this last weekend that really has shaken me. At first I was so mad, Why me? Why did I have to see this. Lord knows, as the girl that sees a dead squirrel on the side of the road and stops to bury it, yes I actually have done that, that seeing something like this would greatly affect me. That I would obsess over it and not be able to get it out of my mind. I have waned between being upset and sad and overwhelmed all at once. As it has been a few days, the feeling that overwhelms me the most is complete gratitude. Watching the accident scene unfold has really helped me to see with clarity my own life. I realize that yes I had to witness a young person die and watch as her mother watched and that is horrible, but at the end of the day, I get to come home to my family. I get to love on my kids and embrace my husband, all a little bit tighter. It makes me realize how incredibly fragile life is and how every moment is precious. How there are people in my life that drive me crazy sometimes, and that I don't agree with but I am called to love them anyway.

      I honestly think that I was there at that specific time for a reason. Not just to help the family and to pray over them but to gain clarity in my life that I often complain about. How hard it is, how there is no rest, how yes my kids drive me crazy sometimes. This all made me think last night as I was drifting off to bed, that things happen in our lives that shape who we become. Some of them are wonderful like marriage and having babies, and some of them are life changing like watching your parent slowly die or seeing a young girl loose her life. Some would say that I have seen a lot in the last 4 years , and I think I have, but I also think these things that I have gone through, although incredibly painful have made me stronger.

 I am like a rock in a river, rough to the touch but being shaped daily by events in my life. While the water is sometimes raging and cold and relentless, it is chipping away at pieces of me until I am smooth,shiny and soft. I know that one day, as I walk through those gates, my rock of a self will be completely smooth like glass. I will be complete. I will be the person that I was created to be. 

For now, I hope that I use these events in my life to strive towards being a better version of myself.

True Forgiveness

      'm reading this book on forgiveness right now. About truly, whole hearted forgiving someone for things they have done. Lets be honest here... that's TOUGH STUFF! I have been thinking a lot about this lately, and one day when I was asking my sons forgiveness for how I reacted, his simple response was " It's OK, I know it was an accident!" He's 3 1/2 so I don't really know if he fully understands what accident means, but his forgiveness is whole. There is no harboring resentment or anger about what I have done. I have a clean slate. This is exactly what Christ provides for us. Not what we deserve, because none of us DESERVE forgiveness, but what he gives us anyway. What happens between childhood and adulthood that makes this kind of forgiveness SO HARD? Somewhere along the line our hearts are hardened and we feel " justified" and resentful and we've lost trust.

   Man, I'm going to be honest. I would pay good money to be able to forgive so easily. To not feel hardened and resentful. To not think about all the things that someone has done to me in the past. To be able to wipe the slate clean and start fresh, but honestly it is A LOT of work. Getting past the pride, because that is what it is, to be able to forgive someone whole hearted is REALLY, REALLY, HARD!

   Being able to forgive fully is often giving someone something that they don't deserve. Giving them something that they might never give you or have never given you. I pray that as I dwell on this more that God will be able to work more in more so I can forgive fully. " No big deal, I know it was just an accident."