This road is familiar to me... I have walked this once before and although I would prefer that no one has to walk down this road, well, here I am smack dab in the middle of it again. People have told me it isn't fair, I am so angry for you, I am so sorry, you are so strong. I appreciate these sentiments so much and the comfort behind them. It isn't fair, it is angering, it sucks and well I don't know how really strong I am lol. I know that there is someone much bigger than myself giving me strength right now, holding me up because I couldn't do this by myself.. If you ask me how I am doing I don't know if I know how to answer that question. I feel numb. I am not crying all the time, I am not angry right now... I am just numb. MY grief expresses itself in irritation,and withdrawal. There is a very hard thing about waiting. Waiting for something to happen, for you to get that call, for a turn for the worse. It is torture. Sometimes, and excuse me if I sound brash I think when someone passes unexpectedly it is a blessing. I am only speaking this from the side of not experiencing that.You don't have to watch your best friend become a shell of the person they once were. You don't have to watch them in constant pain or watch them loose all that is important to them.
There is no way that you can prepare yourself to loose someone you love. Yes you can think about what it will be like but it is nothing like the actual experience. I think our logical brains try to compartmentalize the process and figure out how we can organize it to process it better but it is fruitless. I know this because grief is not a process that is ever done. I thought this with my dad, that he would pass and I would grieve and be done; but grief is like this awful thing (I don't even have a word for it) that comes back again and again and reopens the wounds at the most unexpected time. Granted the wound gets a little smaller every time, and bleeds a little less but it still hurts.
I know that in the end although my moms story will be finished here on earth in her body, her story will live on through our memories, through our hearts for others, through our love for each other and that also she will be fully restored in heaven. In this situation, there is no greater gift than knowing full restoration and healing will happen. And to know that even though this is not at all what we want to happen that Gods plan in this is much bigger than ours.
Thank you to everyone who continually lifts us up in prayers, thoughts and encouragement. We are comforted by such a huge community of people, it is truly amazing. Thank you extended family.
Emily, my heart aches for all of you. I don't understand why you have to go through this again in such a short amount of time. What I do know is that God loves you beyond all measure, and he will comfort and sustain you through it all.
ReplyDeleteYes, the sharp edges of grief get a little smoother over time, but they never go away completely. My prayer is that you will feel God's love in new and unexpected ways during this time of sad endings and new beginnings. Sending you much love...