This is important

    Yesterday I felt like crap. Just had one of those days where I was feeling SUPER unconfident in everything I do, and feeling really awful about my appearance. It is amazing what low self confidence does to you. I felt like I had gained 5 lbs overnight which I know is not possible. I'm actually loosing weight.  I just wanted to plop down on the couch and eat all the carbs... BUT I made the commitment to go to my workout class. The last two weeks I haven't been working out consistently... a class here and there but not like I should. We had swimming lessons every night and then you know excuses. Being too afraid to try a new class. Feeling like I have no idea what I am doing lifting weights, so I just didn't go. HOLY COW... guys! Can I say something here because I feel like it is so important. How I have felt the last two weeks vs. when I was working out regularly is so insanely different and I didn't realize it until I got done with my club dance class why! I have been cranky, tired and just blah these last two weeks. Kind of slumping back into that depression state and I didn't really even think anything of it, probably because this whole working out thing is so new to me. I will be honest, although I love my club dance class, I did not want to go last night. The whole time I wasn't feeling it, stumbling over my own feet and probably looking ridiculous but I needed it. My soul needed it, my body needed it. I know that there are going to be so, so many more days where I DO NOT want to work out and will probably be wishing the whole time for it be over but its one of those things you do because its good for you and it makes you feel good. Its a conscious choice to be better, to feel better.
 I know everyone has their own reason for working out and eating healthier. I am not doing it to loose weight, I mean yes  that is the goal but that is not my main reason. I am doing it because I want to feel better, be a better person for myself, for my kids. Enjoy life!! I feel something changing in me. My mindset is changing. In the past I have been about perfection. Doing clean eating 100% of the time = cheat explosions, working out 100% of the time= not going at all. There was an all or nothing mindset because if I screwed up I might as well give up. Grace is carrying me right now, and having some for myself. To know that perfection, being 100% is not the goal but to be continually making changes in my life. Man, do you know how much pressure that takes off of me? How much easier it makes eating good and working out? So, so much!
When we first moved into our house I could not walk up the stairs without huffing and puffing. Now I can run up them (still a little huffing) but its a change.
I'm really excited to see where this is going to take me. Its all about the little changes that add up to a really big one.

Grief, you suck!

I haven't written in a while, or at least it seems. The last few days I have been really stressed, anxious, irritated about everything. Upcoming Mexico trip, things that need to be done around the house, the FACT that my baby is starting Kindergarten and a new before school and after school program. AGH! We can say this though, my house and classroom are pretty dang clean and organized right now, because that is how I relieve stress. I clean, I organize and I think about cleaning.
 I had a dream about them last night. The first time they have simultaneously appeared in a dream. There wasn't a message or even a feeling, which is kind of irritating because I keep hoping that maybe I will see a sign somewhere. I hate that it takes me a few days of being in this funk to really see why I am. Yep, grief, you SUCK. You slip in and sneak up on me and I'm not prepared for it. I should of known it was coming because its been awhile since I have felt this way and it usually happens in fairly consistent intervals. Now that I have realized that this is why I am pissed, irritated etc I just want to go be by myself, and unfortunatly that isn't an option.
Insert swear word here.......

Sometimes this job is heavy

   Sometimes working here hurts my heart. There are days, or weeks at a time where the pain of these people really gets to you. I am a pretty sensitive person by nature and seeing hurt in anyone really affects me.  I remember when I first started working here the first couple of months were slightly traumatizing as I read the background stories of how some of these people grew up or things that happened to them. It was awful. I really second guessed accepting my job because I didn't think I was going to be able to handle it. Well... here I am almost two years later and man I have learned so much from this place. So much about the human capacity for pain and so much about the mental health community. 
   This week though, for some reason has been really hard. Watching a grown man sob because he misses his family. Seeing a young girl (20 something) in a padded helmet because she can't but help injuring herself at any point during the day because of the emotional pain, or talking to a young patient about the fact that she won't get to see her kids until their are adults and it is just heartbreaking.
  I have felt that I was supposed to take this job from the very beginning having ABSOLUTELY no experience working with adults or people with mental illness and it has stretched me. I feel like even though sometimes working here can feel hopeless because there is only so much you can do to help that I can still be here and pray for these people. Listen to them, treat them like they are human and build friendships with them. They continue to show me so much about the world and amaze me with what the human spirit can bear. 
 I know that it wasn't/isn't supposed to be this way but I am really thankful for the incredible opportunity to help these people as they transition through the challenges they are facing and most of the time I am not using my "degree" in the sense that I would of originally thought, I am using so much more than that.