Worn out

   Writing has always been cathartic for me. Always my favorite classes in high school, and at one point I wanted to get my degree in writing and literature. Writing a book has been on my bucket list and until the last year or so, even though I like writing, I didn't do it much. However with everything that has happened this last year writing has helped me tremendously. Sometimes the only way to get all the chaos out of my head is just to write it down.
   I'm going to be pretty vulnerable here. This month has been rough, really rough. Most days I am one VERY small step from bursting into tears. There are times when I feel like walking away because being a mom shouldn't be there hard, and nobody talks about it. I mean REALLY talks about it. This last month has consisted of constant screaming, tantrums over "nothing", anxiety, crying, whining... you name it. The noise alone, dear lord and I am not complaining in the sense that I am ungrateful because I'm not. I am just worn out. It makes me feel like a horrible mom not to be able to fix all this hard for my kids. That maybe, I am doing something wrong. My mom was always so good about this, just listening as I cried into the phone knowing exactly what it was like and telling me that this is ALL NORMAL. That I am doing fine and that my kids won't be scarred for life, but she isn't here to say that. Sometimes, and I am going to be honest I feel like out culture is so directed on fixing the problem instead of listening and we as mothers especially feel such pressure to put on a good front, we aren't even honest with those in the same boat. You know what that creates? Isolation and judgement. I don't know, maybe other moms don't need to talk about it? or maybe they don't want to and that is ok. I am really thankful for the handful of friends I have that are honest about it. About the hard, that don't judge me or tell me to put on a happy face when I am feeling overwhelmed, the ones that are REAL with me. That is what life is about.
 If you are in the same boat as me right now and you are feeling like it is all too much. That you aren't doing a good job... know that there is someone else that is right there with you and I am willing to talk about it if you ever want to. Open the door.

Phase 2

These last few weeks have been really tough. I don't know if it is that mothers day is approaching, or that I am going through a significant life change and they aren't here but find myself thinking about them all the time.  It as almost as if at this three month mark the fog has finally lifted. I am finally starting to feel, and I don't like it. All this avoiding it has caused a lot of stress, a lot of pounds, a lot of crankiness but not sadness. For the first three months I felt nothing. I guess every once in a while I would feel little bit sad. It made me wonder what was wrong with me. How could I not be sad that my mom, one of my best friends just died. In fact, her passing made me miss my dad a lot. As of late I am on the verge of tears often, I think about them in everything. Ache for them to be there, to see my kids and how much they have grown or even meet them for the first time. Share with them the exciting things that are happening in my life. 
 I had a dream last night that we had moved into our new house and my mom was helping me cook. My dad came over and showed me this video on his phone of him and Ruby goofing around and laughing. I remember his voice as clear as day. I knew in the dream that there was no way this was possible since he never met her, it was very confusing. Although, now that I am awake it all makes sense. Another way for my brain to process what is going on right now.
I am 32, a grown adult with my own family, but it doesn't matter how old you get, you don't outgrow needing your parents. In a way I am on my own, my siblings are the only ones that know EXACTLY what I am going through. We are having to redefine what a family unit looks like. I know that Christmas will be a big adjustment this year that I am not looking forward to.
My Grandma got me this Angel Catcher Grief Journal for my birthday last week and at first I thought it was a cool idea but I didn't know if I would really use it. I wrote in it for the first time today and processing a memory is incredibly painful, one of her last I didn't even want to think about it. Looking at pictures of her makes me physically sick and thinking about how sick she was makes me want to cringe but I know that in order to get through this stage I HAVE to feel it. I have to, I don't have the choice of just walking around and numbing my pain... well I guess I do but I know that is only going to bring on the pounds, bitterness and misplaced frustration.
For now, I am thankful for my incredible family, supportive friends who just listen and good places to cry. 
 

Waaaaa.....

 I was probably known most, as a kid, by my whining... only 1st to my picky eating habits. I remember vividly often saying " I can't do it" and "it's too hard". I was not a stranger to letting my feeling be known. My mom always said that she never had to guess what I was thinking. I am sure that although, as I grew this was really helpful, it was also really annoying. There are times in my adult life when I just want to say those same things. Where I kind of feel like a whiner. Lately I have been praying A LOT for God to change my heart. I have really been struggling focusing on all the incredibly blessings in my life and instead find myself feeling sorry for myself. There is a certain amount of shame that comes from feeling pity for oneself, especially as an adult. With that said, I have had a "woe is me" attitude lately and I hate it. I need to get out of this funk but I am not really sure how. 
Anyone who knows me knows that I live a very structured, scheduled life and I love to know what is happening ALL-THE-TIME. God is definitely teaching me right now about my lack of control. When my whole world is literally up in the air and no amount of planning will help.
I ran across this quote yesterday that really resonated with me.
              "Lord forgive me for picking
               things back up that I've already '
               laid down at your feet."
So, once again I will lay it back down knowing that I will be ok. My world isn't ending. We will get out of this mess and I will not have control and it will be ok.