Waves

Waves; When they come they aren't the kind that gently Lapp at your feet. The small crests that slowly bubble to the shores. These waves; take you under. A very turbulent kind that throw you from side to side and leave you screaming for air. Never knowing when you or if you are going to come back up for air. These waves have been building slowely and steadily for a long time and by the time you get caught in them it's already too late. I'm talking about grief. The only thing I can think of how to describe it is waves. The ones that have been throwing me around lately have been big. I miss my mom, I miss my dad. I wish I could talk to them and ask their opinion or cry over the phone. In the part of life where a good chunk of my life is In transition I feel very alone. I miss my family. I have wonderful in laws and extended family but it's not the same. My mom got me like no one else could. My dad could always find something funny to say and his hugs, God I miss his hugs and the smell of his hair. I don't feel them near me. I hope for signs or dreams but it's all stagnant air. In this time where some great things are happening it is somewhat over shadowed by this grief. And it sucks. If you have been here you just know there is nothing that describes it. Nothing.

All or nothing

     I am an all or nothing kind of person. I was thinking about this the other day when I was trying to figure out why there are these chunks of my life where I have it all together and then these other parts that ( in my mind) are a total mess. So I started to analyze the "put together" parts and came to the realization that when I feel successful, when I am successful and going full bore it is because I don't do anything half assed. I don't mean that in a way that toots my own horn, or that I am SOOO amazing. I mean it in a way that when I am really successful in my life I am super busy. A great example of this was about 4 years ago, my dad was in the middle of loosing his fight with cancer, I was going to school full time, working on my thesis, working two jobs and pregnant... hey lets throw in a strict eating plan to that and VOILA! I lost 35 lbs. My brain is so strange that the more I have on my plate the better organized and successful I am. This is probably why I constantly have a million things going on in my life at once ha ha ha. Trust me this is not all great because I can't really relax... I don't know how. Its a real problem.
   I am at a point right now where I am in "all or nothing" mode. My mom recently passed away from cancer and here I am, in the middle of moving twice, living in a transitional home, taking myself off of Prozac, working full time with a fairly full time job on the side... and once again throwing in a strict eating plan to loose weight and it is all REALLY motivating! I have no idea why this works for me but it does!This is why I have never been able to be a stay at home mom. Often I feel guilty that I am not one of those people that can stay home with my kids. Actually I feel shame. I feel like something is wrong with me because I would prefer to do things by myself or without my kids. I know that this doesn't make me bad, I guess just different. Please do not get me wrong here... staying at home is the hardest job I have ever done. It is tough and for people who do it YOU ARE AMAZING, but I can't, I have to be working... in fact I have to be working apparently two different jobs at once ;)  I get really depressed being home. I get a lot of comments from people that it must be hard to work full time and be away from the kids and yeah there is a part of it that is tough, I miss my family, I miss the flexibility to what I want but I am going to be really honestly raw here and you might not understand it but I am a way better mom when I am not home all day. I am more patient, more loving and I appreciate my family a whole lot more.
  Once again I am reading another book by Brene` Brown about shame and how to combat that and am slowly learning that just because I think, work, am different does not make me a bad person. That I don't need to feel bad because the way I think, or am doesn't conform to everyone's standards. So with that in mind Cheers to another "all or nothing" season of life!

Do you appreciate it?

      Every weekday I badge in or key unlock 6 doors to get into work. I have to stand in a secured area and get my ID checked to enter the Secure perimeter and this is just for minimum security. If I work in max, I have to enter 12 doors just to get in. I don't think about it much as it has become completely routine in my daily life. I started thinking about this yesterday as I was leaving. Earlier in the day a co-worker said something to me that stopped my dead in my tracks. Often when you are so engrossed in an environment, you often fail to see the realness of it. There are so many things I hear or talk about on a daily basis that I NEVER EVER thought I would be talking about. I mean I work with murderers... did I ever think I would say that? NO.My co-worker, referring to a patient as I was asking her which Pandora station we should listen too during class said " you know, this is the only time of day where she gets to listen to music?" Kind of made me want to cry. Music is a HUGE part of my life, HUGE. I listen to it all the time and I cannot imagine not having access too it.
  Let me paint a little picture for you. Can you imagine having someone tell you every morning what time to get up? What time to eat breakfast? What time to go to bed? What to wear, when to shower, what pills to take? OK now, for those of us with small children, a lot of these apply but within that there is freedom to make our own choices. To hit the snooze button, to wear our pajamas, to watch movies all day or choose what kind of music we want to listen to. And, we take it for granted because it is normal for us. Now, some of you would argue that they get what they deserve. When you commit a crime, you deserve to have your rights stripped away and there is a certain part of me that agrees with you... in prison. But I work in a mental institution and I guess working with these people every day has completely changed my perspective on this. The trauma that these people have gone through it UNREAL and so incredibly heartbreaking and honestly after reading their stories... no wonder they have done what they have done. I'm not making an excuse I am just trying to create perspective.
Freedom, for anything is one of those amazing rights we have especially in this country but don't appreciate nearly often enough. Sometimes being able to fully see how little another human being has helps up appreciate it that much more. Don't get me wrong, just the other day I was complaining about our family being sick and I am not saying that you shouldn't be upset at circumstances because their are starving children in Africa. Life is all relative. Our circumstances and struggles are all relative.
For me, I know that when I walk outside today I am going to look at things a little differently, that when I pick my music I am thanking God that I get to listen to it when I want.
Freedom for anything is really beautiful!

Do as I do, not as I say :)

 So I have a tendency to run my mouth about a lot of things before I become educated on them.I am getting better about this as I get older. I used to say things about people who did stuff naturally. That they were ridiculous, that is was all this weird community of people that wanted to be different. Well, this was all before I started using essential oils. Its not that I had anything against "crunchy"" people per say, but it just annoyed me. Lame, I know.
  After both of my parents were diagnosed with cancer both my sister and I started looking into doing things naturally. I started using natural deodorant and toothpaste. This was about the extent of my "au natural" lifestyle, until I got into oils. I can't afford to be putting that crap on my body with the medical history my family has. And honestly, I love the Toms brand but as I am getting older and the more my hormones fluctuate it just isn't doing the trick... sooo I will be making my deodorant GASP! I am actually really excited about it, the more I do this stuff the more I really enjoy making my own products. Laundry detergent, hand soap, body wash and NOW deodorant. I have come a long way friends Cheers! I think starting with oils has really urged me to dig into how we can help heal our bodies naturally.
  God gave us amazing bodies, and we live in a society that pushes bandaging up our wounds with medicine... all the time. Instead of letting our bodies do what they were meant to, fighting fevers etc... we medicate.  I will be honest, I still struggle with letting my body do the work. Kaleb had a fever a couple weeks ago and I keep wanting to give him tylonal and call the dr. about a potential ear infection... but hey! His body was created to fight this!Honestly, it is still scary for me trying something new and natural because I am so programmed to think that medication is the answer. And don't get me wrong, the Dr. has its place and time and I still take Ibuprofen every once in a while and am not against all medication ( I am on two prescriptions as we speak) but I think we often underestimate the power of how well our bodies work to fight stuff on their own and I love being able to use my oils to help my combat sickness. As of yet, it is April and we (besides Kavin) have not been to the Dr. once this year. We had met our $750.00 deductible by march last year! I just saved $750 people!!!! Not to mention I know exactly what I am putting in my body, and get to smell good while doing it :)
Cheers to trying something new! If you are interested in learning more about oils I would love to talk to you because honestly they have changed our life sooo much!