Progress in baby steps

   Its been about a month since I have done any blog posting, and to say that our life this last month has been crazy is an understatement. In a good way though! Vacation,business going crazy, getting ready for back to school, then starting school. I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants. The last couple of weeks I have been frustrated by my inability to work out. With Kaleb starting school, our whole schedule has changed and then when we all get home the kids are exhausted. Ruby has been having a hard time with all the change and has been really attached to me... like attached where I can't even leave the house. It has been a little rough. I'm finding a hard time trying to balance it all. Working out in the morning would be an option but Kavin goes in earlier so that we can get the kids earlier at the end of the day, so that leaves later in the evening (right around the kids bedtime) as the option... gah! I feel disappointed in myself for not making it more of a priority and I feel myself starting to get into that negative mind space where that little word that makes a huge impact comes in. FAILURE.... and I have to talk myself out of it. To remind myself to give myself grace and that I don't need to be perfect. Daily struggle for sure. I'm still working on my eating. Not perfect and wheat has reintegrated itself back into my life a little but not a lot so that is good! I know for myself in order to be successful I need to do things in baby steps at least in this area of my life. If I bite off more than I can chew I end up throwing in the towel because I can't be Perfect (which I know is ridiculous). So, here's to working on it. To allowing myself to be in a healthy head space and make progress in little steps and small decisions.

This is important

    Yesterday I felt like crap. Just had one of those days where I was feeling SUPER unconfident in everything I do, and feeling really awful about my appearance. It is amazing what low self confidence does to you. I felt like I had gained 5 lbs overnight which I know is not possible. I'm actually loosing weight.  I just wanted to plop down on the couch and eat all the carbs... BUT I made the commitment to go to my workout class. The last two weeks I haven't been working out consistently... a class here and there but not like I should. We had swimming lessons every night and then you know excuses. Being too afraid to try a new class. Feeling like I have no idea what I am doing lifting weights, so I just didn't go. HOLY COW... guys! Can I say something here because I feel like it is so important. How I have felt the last two weeks vs. when I was working out regularly is so insanely different and I didn't realize it until I got done with my club dance class why! I have been cranky, tired and just blah these last two weeks. Kind of slumping back into that depression state and I didn't really even think anything of it, probably because this whole working out thing is so new to me. I will be honest, although I love my club dance class, I did not want to go last night. The whole time I wasn't feeling it, stumbling over my own feet and probably looking ridiculous but I needed it. My soul needed it, my body needed it. I know that there are going to be so, so many more days where I DO NOT want to work out and will probably be wishing the whole time for it be over but its one of those things you do because its good for you and it makes you feel good. Its a conscious choice to be better, to feel better.
 I know everyone has their own reason for working out and eating healthier. I am not doing it to loose weight, I mean yes  that is the goal but that is not my main reason. I am doing it because I want to feel better, be a better person for myself, for my kids. Enjoy life!! I feel something changing in me. My mindset is changing. In the past I have been about perfection. Doing clean eating 100% of the time = cheat explosions, working out 100% of the time= not going at all. There was an all or nothing mindset because if I screwed up I might as well give up. Grace is carrying me right now, and having some for myself. To know that perfection, being 100% is not the goal but to be continually making changes in my life. Man, do you know how much pressure that takes off of me? How much easier it makes eating good and working out? So, so much!
When we first moved into our house I could not walk up the stairs without huffing and puffing. Now I can run up them (still a little huffing) but its a change.
I'm really excited to see where this is going to take me. Its all about the little changes that add up to a really big one.

Grief, you suck!

I haven't written in a while, or at least it seems. The last few days I have been really stressed, anxious, irritated about everything. Upcoming Mexico trip, things that need to be done around the house, the FACT that my baby is starting Kindergarten and a new before school and after school program. AGH! We can say this though, my house and classroom are pretty dang clean and organized right now, because that is how I relieve stress. I clean, I organize and I think about cleaning.
 I had a dream about them last night. The first time they have simultaneously appeared in a dream. There wasn't a message or even a feeling, which is kind of irritating because I keep hoping that maybe I will see a sign somewhere. I hate that it takes me a few days of being in this funk to really see why I am. Yep, grief, you SUCK. You slip in and sneak up on me and I'm not prepared for it. I should of known it was coming because its been awhile since I have felt this way and it usually happens in fairly consistent intervals. Now that I have realized that this is why I am pissed, irritated etc I just want to go be by myself, and unfortunatly that isn't an option.
Insert swear word here.......