No holds bar.

    Put on a happy face. Well, that's what I have been doing. People often ask me how I am doing, and I say I am doing ok. The thing is I am not doing very well. I am not handling this well. I feel numb most of the time and checked out. Its easier that way, because if I check back in sometimes its too painful. I know I should be talking about it more, crying more but I don't want to. Right now, its just easier to pretend that this all isn't happening. I know that isn't healthy, which is precisely why I am writing this. I need to talk more about it. Bare myself and be raw about how I feel, my anger, my pain not for anyone else but so that I can begin to process through some of this. The way I have been handling it so far is eating, and as I have gained weight here and there, now at my all time high... its time I change that. Its very strange because anyone that knows me knows that I am a very emotional person. It doesn't bother me at all when people cry, and I cry easily at cute videos or moving stories. Yet, when it comes to being vulnerable about pain in my life, crying is right up there with throwing up. I HATE IT! Like please stick a bag over my head so no one has to see me! Unfortunately there is no guide book or step by step process for grief, and you would think that since I have experienced this before with my dad that I would kind of know what to do, but it is harder this time. I am hoping that through this blog, just writing it, even if no one reads it that I will be able to open up a little bit more and FEEL.

Beware - A little Heavy

         Wow, This song has been my theme song this year. So many times I have heard it and felt like he was speaking about my life. This last year, heck last 4 years have not been easy to say the least. I got pregnant with Kaleb, was finishing my thesis for Grad school, working two jobs and found out my dad was dying of Cancer, HELLO! Then got pregnant with Ruby, found out my mom had cancer and started a new job. I honestly have NO IDEA how in the heck I have not been completely overwhelmed all the time. I do truly believe that God blessed me with both my babies at perfect timing in my life. 
       However, as I am sitting here wondering how I am going to trudge through this deep, deep valley and  it seems like every time I come over the crest of the hill there is another huge valley in front of me. When will I catch a break?  Even though I am faced with something I don't wish on anyone, I have to believe that there is a reason God lets these things happen. What that is? I have no idea and yes there are times where is very hard not to be angry at God for letting us experience so much pain. When will what we have gone through, are going through or will go through be enough? It is hard enough as it is to not be completely overwhelmed by the pain of the world without having to add personal loss on top of that.
If I don't have faith I have nothing. Even when I am angry, the very core of me believes this.


                                                                    
                                                                                                "Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Smooth like Glass

    I happened to be a first responder to a horrific accident this last weekend that really has shaken me. At first I was so mad, Why me? Why did I have to see this. Lord knows, as the girl that sees a dead squirrel on the side of the road and stops to bury it, yes I actually have done that, that seeing something like this would greatly affect me. That I would obsess over it and not be able to get it out of my mind. I have waned between being upset and sad and overwhelmed all at once. As it has been a few days, the feeling that overwhelms me the most is complete gratitude. Watching the accident scene unfold has really helped me to see with clarity my own life. I realize that yes I had to witness a young person die and watch as her mother watched and that is horrible, but at the end of the day, I get to come home to my family. I get to love on my kids and embrace my husband, all a little bit tighter. It makes me realize how incredibly fragile life is and how every moment is precious. How there are people in my life that drive me crazy sometimes, and that I don't agree with but I am called to love them anyway.

      I honestly think that I was there at that specific time for a reason. Not just to help the family and to pray over them but to gain clarity in my life that I often complain about. How hard it is, how there is no rest, how yes my kids drive me crazy sometimes. This all made me think last night as I was drifting off to bed, that things happen in our lives that shape who we become. Some of them are wonderful like marriage and having babies, and some of them are life changing like watching your parent slowly die or seeing a young girl loose her life. Some would say that I have seen a lot in the last 4 years , and I think I have, but I also think these things that I have gone through, although incredibly painful have made me stronger.

 I am like a rock in a river, rough to the touch but being shaped daily by events in my life. While the water is sometimes raging and cold and relentless, it is chipping away at pieces of me until I am smooth,shiny and soft. I know that one day, as I walk through those gates, my rock of a self will be completely smooth like glass. I will be complete. I will be the person that I was created to be. 

For now, I hope that I use these events in my life to strive towards being a better version of myself.