I've been here before

This road is familiar to me... I have walked this once before and although I would prefer that no one has to walk down this road, well, here I am smack dab in the middle of it again. People have told me it isn't fair, I am so angry for you, I am so sorry, you are so strong. I appreciate these sentiments so much and the comfort behind them. It isn't fair, it is angering, it sucks and well I don't know how really strong I am lol. I know that there is someone much bigger than myself giving me strength right now, holding me up because I couldn't do this by myself.. If you ask me how I am doing I don't know if I know how to answer that question. I feel numb. I am not crying all the time, I am not angry right now... I am just numb. MY grief expresses itself in irritation,and withdrawal. There is a very hard thing about waiting. Waiting for something to happen, for you to get that call, for a turn for the worse. It is torture. Sometimes, and excuse me if I sound brash I think when someone passes unexpectedly it is a blessing. I am only speaking this from the side of not experiencing that.You don't have to watch your best friend become a shell of the person they once were. You don't have to watch them in constant pain or watch them loose all that is important to them.
There is no way that you can prepare yourself to loose someone you love. Yes you can think about what it will be like but it is nothing like the actual experience. I think our logical brains try to compartmentalize the process and figure out how we can organize it to process it better but it is fruitless. I know this because grief is not a process that is ever done. I thought this with my dad, that he would pass and I would grieve and be done; but grief is like this awful thing (I don't even have a word for it) that comes back again and again and reopens the wounds at the most unexpected time. Granted the wound gets a little smaller every time, and bleeds a little less but it still hurts.
I know that in the end although my moms story will be finished here on earth in her body, her story will live on through our memories, through our hearts for others, through our love for each other and that also she will be fully restored in heaven. In this situation, there is no greater gift than knowing full restoration and healing will happen. And to know that even though this is not at all what we want to happen that Gods plan in this is much bigger than ours.

Thank you to everyone who continually lifts us up in prayers, thoughts and encouragement. We are comforted by such a huge community of people, it is truly amazing. Thank you extended family.

I've got a dream....

      If any of you have ever watched the movie Tangled, you know this song well. " Ive, got a dream, Ive got a dream..." And I do. I don't think up until this last month or so that I really realized it was a dream as much as I thought it was. It was also something nagging in the back of my head as " someday, that would be nice" But I never thought that it would be possible, unless we won the lottery. My dream is this: To stay home part time or work from home. I have always been a hard worker, usually working two jobs. And although the last 7 years I was working" part time" at Red Robin, I was also working "part time" as a substitute teacher and my schedule was CRAZY! I love to work, it is just in my nature so staying at home full time is really difficult for me. I am not one of those people that can do it very easily, although I will say that was the hardest job I have ever had. I have, in the past wracked my brain to see if there was something creative I could do from home, but I am not a very creative person.
      Last December I starter working full time at a 8-5 job and although I love my job, I really do. I love the kind of work I do and how I am making a difference in peoples lives. I do, however miss out on taking my son to preschool and being more involved in his school activities. And just recently my 22 month old daughter keeps looking at me saying " momma home" and smiles. It really tugs at my heart strings  A LOT. About a month ago an opportunity was dropped on my lap and in a very unconventional way. My friend told me about these essential oils that could help with our health and honestly I thought she was a little crazy. What can oils do for me? but since we had a VERY rough year illness wise I thought I would give it a shot. I started trying it for this, and then for that and EVERY SINGLE time I used them I was amazed at how well they worked. I have since been researching and learning like crazy about essential oils and all the great things that you can do with them and I am So excited!!! When I first started using them, I knew nothing and I wanted ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the business side of things. To be frank, selling stuff makes me want to throw up a little bit. I think it is invasive and it makes me really, really uncomfortable. This is where this company is amazing and completely different. There is no selling, there is no requirement and no risk. So I share about how I am using my oils and if people are interested them the oils sell themselves. I prayed about this opportunity a lot and I felt like this really was a door being opened up for me. And ever since starting on this oily journey, especially when in doubt I have been blessed with encouragement from so many angles. I know there are a lot of people out there that think I am crazy, and well if I am then I am but I can tell you these Oils are doing some pretty awesome stuff for our family, and what can I say! I'm excited about it!
   So for now, I will keep doing what I'm doing and dreaming big dreams, because I know that either way God's got me.

Psalms 37:
Trust in the Lord and do good
then you will live safely in the land and prosper
Take delight in the lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

And he shall...

My heart

     I am learning so much about my heart lately. I took at job about a year ago at the Oregon state hospital as a teacher. I know Crazy right? No pun intended. I NEVER EVER EVER thought that I would be working here. My degree is in elementary education and I love kids, so when I applied I thought there was a fat chance in hell that I would even get an interview, yet here I am 1 week away from a year later and LOVING IT! I knew that if God opened up this door for me there was a reason and I needed to trust that and trust me that has been hard. There have been quite a few moments when I thought "What the heck am I doing here?" 
     In the past I never had an interest in working with at risk populations. I didn't want a teaching job at a low income school ( I know that sounds horrible), one of my student teaching experiences changed my perspective on this, I wouldn't take sub jobs in resource rooms because I was scared I wouldn't know what to do. And here I am today working with a huge population of people at risk that have committed some pretty heinous things. And God is teaching me sooo much! He is teaching me that I have a huge heart for this type of population. That there is nothing someone can do that falls outside of his realm of grace and if I am even able to convey a little bit of that grace daily then that is awesome! Even though part of this process has been painful and stretching me in new ways I am so thankful for the opportunity to open up my mind and heart and learn about this community of mental illness. This is quickly growing to be something that is very near and dear to my heart.
   It really is amazing when you walk through a door that God has opened with complete faith that he knows what he is doing. The possibilities are endless!