When you are feeling like you're not enough...

   I love the Holidays, like LOVE! I kind of wish that they would last all year, but not really because then it wouldn't be as magical. Growing up my parents made Christmas (also their favorite time of year) the most magical experience. So many traditions, feelings, smells and experiences. The whole month was filled with Tradition.
    Since their death, Christmas has been bitter sweet. I still love it, I really do, but I find this hole there where I find myself trying to recreate the magic and its not the same... because the magic came from them. The magic came from that house, the house that isn't ours anymore. The house that doesn't feel like home. Now, I find myself in this place where I get to create these new memories and traditions for my family because what we used to celebrate just feels different. This is both exciting and sad at the same time. 
   I put a lot of pressure on myself to make it perfect. Christmas has to be perfect, because growing up it was! I find myself saying a lot " Am I doing enough?" " Is this enough?" "Will my kids find this all so magical?" and I find myself (in my eyes) falling short because hello I am a working mom, who teaches piano lessons and runs a side business and we have basketball practises and man I could keep going, so dear lord you think I have set my expectations a little too high? 
So today, I'm going to take a deep breath and focus on what I have right now and instead of feeling guilty that we didn't make 1500 cookies (yeah we used to do that), or that I didn't decorate all the way for Christmas or do a bunch of other activities because we don't have time.... I am going to focus on making what we do have magical, and also clean sheets and a made bed on Christmas eve because that is a must!

swallowed whole

    Sometimes I feel like I am being swallowed whole. That the heaviness that crowds my heart is crushing me, and my mantra in this is "this is just temporary". That although it feels this way, it in fact wont crush me. That I will be able to walk out of this fog at some point. 
   See, depression doesn't affect me like most people. For me I see everything through this lens of negativity. I am uber sensitive to my relationships and start second guessing everything. I am really critical of myself and others. Its ugly and I hate it. I almost wish I was sad but instead I get really angry.
    Depression and anxiety are so silent and isolating, yet I know so many people who struggle daily with this. Lets do each other a favor and #refusetobesilent

Spirited

 I'm in a particularly challenging part of parenting. There are times, ok lets be honest here... most of the time I feel like an utter failure. Like God didn't know what he was doing when he gave me these two wonderful but very challenging children. Maybe I don't have good enough skills to be their mom. I know speaking those thoughts out loud is utter ridiculousness but it still goes through my mind often. This job that completely challenges me on every level and shows me all the things that I am not good at, all the areas that I need to work in, and all the things that I need to do to grow. It makes me feel like I am not doing it right. As a mom of two very lovable, hilariously funny, beautiful, kind, exasperatingly challenging strong willed children I am exhausted all the time. Emotionally and physically spent. Just plain tired. Sometimes its really hard not to look at my friends whose kids can go to a birthday party and hot have an epic meltdown afterwords or do something outsides of the normal routine and not have massive anxiety or get completely overstimulated. I envy that because all of what I just said is our norm. 
     I know that having strong willed spirited kids is a blessing. I really do, see I am one too so I know the awesome blessings that come with this personality and I see how these traits are going to serve and strengthen them as they get older. But, in the mean time when even leaving the house is a challenge and battle, its hard to look to the flowers that are going to bloom from these seeds that we are planting. 
I don't know about you, but I don't often talk much about this because they are often met with such misunderstanding, judgement about our parenting skills and what we are doing wrong and a lack of empathy. I am sure if you have kids in this boat you have probably experienced the same at some point. So, for those of you have have a friend in your life who has children that are strong willed, please extend them lots of grace. Don't be judgemental about lack of parenting or their inability to discipline their kids or that their kids are too sensitive or naughty. 
God wired these children this way for a reason and he knew the parents that would be perfect to handle these behaviors    (even if we don't trust ourselves in that). What we really need is a community of people that can stroke our hair when we curl up and cry and people to love on us without judgement.