I choose Joy

For those of you who don't know, My middle name is Joy. I think it is pretty fitting in my life now as for the most part I am joyful. It wasn't always this way though. When I was younger I was often very negative and judgy. One of my co-workers said to me once " You're so negative" and started calling me negative Nancy. Although he was semi joking with this nickname his comment cut deep. If he thought I was negative, what did other people think? I didn't want to be considered a negative Nancy! This was a big wake up call. From then on, and a few nudges here and there from him I started to change my attitude. Every now and then he would slip a little " negative Nancy" in there as a reminder that I needed to shape up, and as a joke I would call him positive Paul. This banter back and forth lasted for about 3 years and man do I appreciate him saying this. Not then, but now I realize how thankful I am for pointing out this big flaw in me. Trust me when I say this... Choosing joy is NOT EASY.. It is continual. It is daily, it is sometimes hourly. But, for me I do not want to spend my life looking at all the things that have or are going wrong. This as a person who likes to worry about EVERYTHING is a big challenge.
I love this quote from Brene Brown because I think she explains what I do so well.

                  "Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience," Brown says. "And if
                   you cannot tolerate joy, what you do is you start dress rehearsing tragedy."
                   Dress rehearsing tragedy, she explains, is imagining something bad is going
                   to happen when in reality, nothing is wrong. "How many of you have ever
                    stood over your child while they're sleeping and thought, 'Oh my God, I
                  love you' -- and then pictured something horrific happening?" Brown asks.
                  "Or woke up in the morning and thought, 'Oh my gosh, job's going great.
                  Parents are good. This can't last."

Why is it so hard to live in the moment. Why do we doubt that it will last or that we don't deserve it? Why must it always be overshadowed by doubt or fear?

One thing this recent journey of mine is teaching me is that when I work for something that I am passionate about, despite my fear and doubt. I get to choose joy! I deserve all this awesomeness and I am proud to say that. I feel incredibly blessed to be on this journey. The women I have met, the peoples lives I am helping change and I am just so excited about it. March hasn't even started yet and I cannot wait for all the joy this month has to bring!!!

The missing

I miss you the most on the drive to and from work. That is usually when we would talk on the phone and I catch myself wanting to dial your number. It is a strange physical reaction that my brain has to catch up to.. like oh wait I can't do that. I find myself doing that more and more. I had my first post death dream last night. It wasn't the kind that we all long for where we really feel your presence. You were giving me advice, lol. I hate that this comes in waves. I just hate it. Thats all

Healing

I was laying with Kaleb tonight in his bed and he was very tired which usually means extra emotional. He was very weepy and as we laid there in the dark we started talking about what was bothering him.
" I miss Oma." thru Tears.
 Yeah me too buddy. So many questions about death and how we get to heaven and I just have no idea how to answer them all. I asked him what he missed the most and he said "talking to her and her songs." So we laid there in the dark and I sang " You are my sunshine" one of her favorites to sing to me as child, one of the last songs I sang to her before she died and one of the ones she sang to Kaleb and Ru all the time. Wow.. I have been so numb these last two weeks. Literally no feelings at all. I haven't been sad or mad or anything like that. It amazes me as I let myself be really, really vulnerable with my son there in the dark, missing Oma, how I started to feel. How I let myself feel and we cried together. Sometimes I am blown away how the sweet vulnerability of a child can unravel us. It all comes easy to them, too easy. They haven't learned to hold it back or built a wall to not feel.
I am incredibly thankful for this moment because it helped me let it out, even though it was painful. I know that through this it is showing my son that "showing ourselves" is not a bad thing. That "feeling" is OK, and good, that we will be better for it. And when we let ourselves feel it, I mean really feel it.. all out ugly, don't make a sound cry, that is when the healing comes.