Courage Rising

" Sometimes the Darkness seems Thickest in the unknown."

 * Note: A good portion of this is quotes from the actual word on Sunday. Especially the really intelligent sounding ones :)

     This was the topic on Sunday at church and man did it speak to my heart. Jenn Roth talked about the story of Esther and how she rose out of such an impossible situation to do great things. I think we often think of dark times in our lives as just part of the human existence, this is just stuff that we all have to deal with, being human. But what if the darkness was created for us, to give us the opportunity to shine brightly. We were born into a battle. We live in the time between perfection in the garden and the perfection of Eternity. This battle is the source of darkness and this darkness is an opportunity to shine. When Satan was cast down, he was cast down to EARTH. He was already here waiting.How often, after we encounter something dark that we thought was impossible, do we see growth? Do we see a stronger versions of ourselves that we didn't know existed? I know I have seen that in myself in different situations throughout my life. 
     There were four main parts to this word. 
Awareness: When we have awareness about what is happening and our role in it we are able to proceed into these often pitch black circumstances. 
Acceptance: Is God Calling me to action? What is my purpose in this darkness. How am I going to shine?
Ask for help: Seek God and ask for help. To rise with courage. Because when we encounter darkness in our lives, we shine brightly when we lean into him. God is present even when we can't see him or feel him. I have such a hard time with this. Always wanting to do it by myself. I think as a society we often think of needing help as a weakness, but what if you not letting someone help you with their role, prevents you from fulfilling your own roll. Let us support and help each other in these dark struggles in life.
Action: How am I being called to action. Often there is no guarantee of the outcome.Sometimes our roll is encourager, other times its blessing others with our time or resources, lending an ear to listen, praying from a distance. Even if we aren't directly in that darkness, we often play a roll in the darkness of the people that we love. I know I have a hard time stepping out in faith when I don't know the outcome. And its hard when you know that the outcome isn't always good.

 Our hope is not based on a happily ever after. Out hope is based in a King that redeems. The devil wins battles on earth, but not the final battle in death. GOD IS PRESENT!!!

No holds bar.

    Put on a happy face. Well, that's what I have been doing. People often ask me how I am doing, and I say I am doing ok. The thing is I am not doing very well. I am not handling this well. I feel numb most of the time and checked out. Its easier that way, because if I check back in sometimes its too painful. I know I should be talking about it more, crying more but I don't want to. Right now, its just easier to pretend that this all isn't happening. I know that isn't healthy, which is precisely why I am writing this. I need to talk more about it. Bare myself and be raw about how I feel, my anger, my pain not for anyone else but so that I can begin to process through some of this. The way I have been handling it so far is eating, and as I have gained weight here and there, now at my all time high... its time I change that. Its very strange because anyone that knows me knows that I am a very emotional person. It doesn't bother me at all when people cry, and I cry easily at cute videos or moving stories. Yet, when it comes to being vulnerable about pain in my life, crying is right up there with throwing up. I HATE IT! Like please stick a bag over my head so no one has to see me! Unfortunately there is no guide book or step by step process for grief, and you would think that since I have experienced this before with my dad that I would kind of know what to do, but it is harder this time. I am hoping that through this blog, just writing it, even if no one reads it that I will be able to open up a little bit more and FEEL.

Beware - A little Heavy

         Wow, This song has been my theme song this year. So many times I have heard it and felt like he was speaking about my life. This last year, heck last 4 years have not been easy to say the least. I got pregnant with Kaleb, was finishing my thesis for Grad school, working two jobs and found out my dad was dying of Cancer, HELLO! Then got pregnant with Ruby, found out my mom had cancer and started a new job. I honestly have NO IDEA how in the heck I have not been completely overwhelmed all the time. I do truly believe that God blessed me with both my babies at perfect timing in my life. 
       However, as I am sitting here wondering how I am going to trudge through this deep, deep valley and  it seems like every time I come over the crest of the hill there is another huge valley in front of me. When will I catch a break?  Even though I am faced with something I don't wish on anyone, I have to believe that there is a reason God lets these things happen. What that is? I have no idea and yes there are times where is very hard not to be angry at God for letting us experience so much pain. When will what we have gone through, are going through or will go through be enough? It is hard enough as it is to not be completely overwhelmed by the pain of the world without having to add personal loss on top of that.
If I don't have faith I have nothing. Even when I am angry, the very core of me believes this.


                                                                    
                                                                                                "Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn