Smooth like Glass

    I happened to be a first responder to a horrific accident this last weekend that really has shaken me. At first I was so mad, Why me? Why did I have to see this. Lord knows, as the girl that sees a dead squirrel on the side of the road and stops to bury it, yes I actually have done that, that seeing something like this would greatly affect me. That I would obsess over it and not be able to get it out of my mind. I have waned between being upset and sad and overwhelmed all at once. As it has been a few days, the feeling that overwhelms me the most is complete gratitude. Watching the accident scene unfold has really helped me to see with clarity my own life. I realize that yes I had to witness a young person die and watch as her mother watched and that is horrible, but at the end of the day, I get to come home to my family. I get to love on my kids and embrace my husband, all a little bit tighter. It makes me realize how incredibly fragile life is and how every moment is precious. How there are people in my life that drive me crazy sometimes, and that I don't agree with but I am called to love them anyway.

      I honestly think that I was there at that specific time for a reason. Not just to help the family and to pray over them but to gain clarity in my life that I often complain about. How hard it is, how there is no rest, how yes my kids drive me crazy sometimes. This all made me think last night as I was drifting off to bed, that things happen in our lives that shape who we become. Some of them are wonderful like marriage and having babies, and some of them are life changing like watching your parent slowly die or seeing a young girl loose her life. Some would say that I have seen a lot in the last 4 years , and I think I have, but I also think these things that I have gone through, although incredibly painful have made me stronger.

 I am like a rock in a river, rough to the touch but being shaped daily by events in my life. While the water is sometimes raging and cold and relentless, it is chipping away at pieces of me until I am smooth,shiny and soft. I know that one day, as I walk through those gates, my rock of a self will be completely smooth like glass. I will be complete. I will be the person that I was created to be. 

For now, I hope that I use these events in my life to strive towards being a better version of myself.

True Forgiveness

      'm reading this book on forgiveness right now. About truly, whole hearted forgiving someone for things they have done. Lets be honest here... that's TOUGH STUFF! I have been thinking a lot about this lately, and one day when I was asking my sons forgiveness for how I reacted, his simple response was " It's OK, I know it was an accident!" He's 3 1/2 so I don't really know if he fully understands what accident means, but his forgiveness is whole. There is no harboring resentment or anger about what I have done. I have a clean slate. This is exactly what Christ provides for us. Not what we deserve, because none of us DESERVE forgiveness, but what he gives us anyway. What happens between childhood and adulthood that makes this kind of forgiveness SO HARD? Somewhere along the line our hearts are hardened and we feel " justified" and resentful and we've lost trust.

   Man, I'm going to be honest. I would pay good money to be able to forgive so easily. To not feel hardened and resentful. To not think about all the things that someone has done to me in the past. To be able to wipe the slate clean and start fresh, but honestly it is A LOT of work. Getting past the pride, because that is what it is, to be able to forgive someone whole hearted is REALLY, REALLY, HARD!

   Being able to forgive fully is often giving someone something that they don't deserve. Giving them something that they might never give you or have never given you. I pray that as I dwell on this more that God will be able to work more in more so I can forgive fully. " No big deal, I know it was just an accident."

Waaa waaaa Waaa

   I have a tendency to complain.. Actually it is kind of hard for me to think positive. I have to work really hard to not complain, not because I am unhappy but it is just what comes naturally to me. I really don't like this about myself. I wish I could be one of those half glass full kind of people that can always see the brighter side, but I worry about everything and tend to think the worst in a situation. I was thinking the other day when I was feeling pretty crappy, both kids and my husband were sick and I thought " look at all the crap that has happened this month". I could rattle off a list of all the things that have been inconvenient.i has to stop myself because I know once you get gong down that road and count the things that haven't " gone right" vs how god has provided for you, it's hard to look back. I actually keep a list on my phone of how God has provided as a daily reminder. I do not have one need that is unmet. Our bills our paid. I have good health.We have heat and water. Our bellies our full and my life is surrounded by so much love. What else could you ask for?  So many people don't even have one of these and here I am complaining that I have been sick for 3 weeks.. Boo hoo! Yes, I know it is all relative but negativity breeds negativity. Not only to yourself but those you are complaining to.
   Anyway I just kind of wanted to write this as a reminder to myself. That in it all I really have nothing to complain about!