Clarity

Sometimes Clarity can be beautiful. Sometime clarity can be gut wrenching. I feel like I am going through a season of heartbreaking clarity. I’ve said before that I thought that 2017 was going to be a year of going all in. I did not think that God would be asking me to go all in, in the way that he has been and not going to lie. There are aspects of this messy journey that are painful, very painful and exposed.

I have decided that I am going to start to write about my parent’s journey with Cancer and death. I have not given this enough credit. I have not acknowledged it enough. I have spent 5 years stuffing the trauma and grief from my dad’s death and 2 years for my mom’s. I lost both of my parents to cancer at the age of 52; 4 years apart. Event typing that sentence makes the wave of emotion in me surge. Sometimes that wave completely drowns me if I let it. Often I try to pretend it’s not there and I find myself completely numb.

See, my parents didn’t just get Cancer and die. They slowly died from cancer. For my dad it took a little over a year and for my mom about two. I hope that that is the most traumatic thing that I ever have to go through because watching your parent deteriorate to nothing is something I would wish on NO ONE.

It is easy for me to say “It happened” and life goes on. I mean in a way life has to go on. I have a full time job, a full time Oils business and two beautiful children. It has to go on. I have let myself get caught up in “getting on with it” to the point that I never have dealt with it. I have to now. I don’t know why NOW is the time, but it is. I refuse to live like this any longer. Half a spectator to my own life that I won’t engage in because it’s not safe. And half too overwhelmed to engage because it hurts too much. Cancer didn’t just ROB me of both my parents. It didn’t just rob my brothers and sisters of a mom and dad or my kids of their grandparents. It took so much more from me. It took my safety net. I took what felt like protection away from me. It robbed me of the births of my children I imagined, the college graduation I had hoped for and many other events I have experienced and will continue too… without them.

I don’t give it enough credit. It’s not that CANCER needs credit. But the experience of how CANCER has affected me needs credit. I have to acknowledge that it was/is a BIG thing. That what we went through was a big thing because if I don’t, well I am not sure what will happen but I do know it’s not good for me not too.

Putin Free and Lovin it!

Ok! Now if you opened this link thinking I was going to go on a rant about Vladimir Putin. Wrong! We're here to talk a little bit about Gluten! My almost 4 year old Calls it Putin (evil just like the Dictator) she came up with that all on her own. There is no coincidence ;)

About two weeks ago we pulled her off of Gluten. This was a last resort for us. We had tried everything. I had read all the books, tried different strategies and I had even talked to Early Intervention specialist and a therapist about the possibility of a a brain disorder. See, Ruby had been having meltdowns; I am talking meltdowns not tantrums, at home for about a year and a half. I remember the first time she had one. In the middle of the tram line at Disneyland. It was 100 degrees outside, only one tram was running, about 1000 people (at least it felt like it) were waiting for it and she lost it. It was HORRIBLE. The meltdowns continued. Sometimes multiple times a day. It was exhausting and I started getting anxiety on my way home from work, knowing that our evening could be very rough. I didn't want to come home. To be honest I didn't even want to be around my daughter.
As a mom. I felt like a failure. Feeling that feeling about your own child is awful. It comes with a heavy weight. I felt like as a family, we were failing and that there was something seriously wrong and I didn't have any clue how to fix it. Her ability to process information and express her emotions was stunted.

Fast Forward to two weeks ago. I think I was finally able to open up my ears enough to actually listen. Yeah, sometimes I can be stubborn ;) And decided lets just give it a try and see what happens. We will give it two weeks and if we don't see a change then we can go back to eating regularly. 
I started to notice a difference in two days. I thought " this has to be a fluke" "this is just wishful thinking" but nevertheless I persisted (see what I did there) Honestly though, we had two days of no meltdowns, the keratosis on her arms was starting to fade and her Eczema was going away. This was a new Years Miracle! Here we are, right now her arms are clear, her eczema is almost completely gone and she is Happy. This is the part that makes me teary. Guys, she is happy! It is like my little girl is finally coming out. Before we got little glimpses of who she was when she was feeling good, but that was so often overshadowed by anger, meltdowns and violence. She is a like a completely different person and I feel like I am finally able to start connecting with her the way I have been wanting. Just last night she started to meltdown a little bit and within minutes she said " My Feelings are hurt because someone called me yucky at school today." In the past getting to the point of her being able to say that would of taken 45 minutes. 
We are completely overjoyed and I will shout it from the ROOFTOPS! We feel peace. Our family is working better. The stress is melting away daily and it feels sooo good! <3 <3 
 * I know that Gluten free isn't the answer for everything but I know for us, for her; for now this is the answer.

Here are some foods we have tried that we really like as a family
- Anything by Wholesome Chow ( Amazon or LifeSource)
- Any Bobs Red Mill mixes ( you can get these anywhere)
- Bobs Red mill Gluten Free Oats ( Lifesource)
- Trader Joes Gluten Free Pizza Crust
- Pamela's Products especially the graham crackers ( LifeSource)
- Betty Crocker gluten free brownies
- Lara Bars
- Franz Gluten free bread - Mountain white (because Kaleb still thinks its regular bread)
- Annies Gluten Free Pasta boxes. Or what I do with the old boxes we have, is swap out GF noodles and still use the sauce packets.

Cheers for BIG victories!

Waking Up

      I chose some words as inspiration for my Business this year, ALL IN. What I didn't know that God would be challenging me in this from the get go in a hard hard way. I thought " Yeah! I am going to go all in, be overwhelmed in a blessed way by this business" Apparently God had other plans because he is definitely putting me to the test in so many other areas of my life and I'm going to be frank here. I don't like it!
     I have noticed that throughout my life a message has been relayed to me. Whether intentional or not I have been shown over and over again that my feelings aren't ok unless they are agreeable. Insert massive people pleaser here. If I agreed enough then all was ok. My first boyfriend even broke up with me saying that I was "too emotional for him". These left scars on my heart and continued to paint this picture that my feelings were too big for this world and they shouldn't be shared. This point in my life is where I subsequently started to gain weight. 
   I have spent the last 15 years playing nice and keeping my emotions to myself because in truth I have felt that there was no place for them to be held, that only I could do that. That is a crushing weight to bear. The weight kept piling up, and my lack of connection to that correlation has been evident. 
    I stumbled upon this artist last month and in Godly fashion as he always does, he started to speak to me through the music. He knows that this is my medium. Its where I gain inspiration, come to revelation and am moved. This artist is blowing me out of the water because I feel like her music is speaking so heavily into my life right now I can't explain it.
   I feel like for the first time, I am waking up. I am waking up to heavy emotions that have been buried through years of hiding. Heavy emotions from loosing two parents in 5 years and loosing my sister and so many other things. I am not going to lie, this is an ugly place. A CRUSHING place. It feels incredibly isolating and lonely, but I also know this. That God does not take you through the dessert to just leave you there. He will be walking right beside me through all of this, even thought it feels so heavy, like this numb veil is starting to lift, I know that incredible blessings will be coming from this place.