We're all fine here

 At best, I am functioning at 50%, yes my house is clean, my life is organized and I might look to some, or not that I have it all together but I promise I don't. I want to try to explain grief as best as I can and it is very different to each person, but for me its like looking through a veil. My eyes work fine, they really do, but there are times when this veil is so thick that trying to see (to function) takes incredible work. That , what seems like every day tasks, social functions etc that are pretty simple to most people become very overwhelming to me. While often subconscious, 1/2 of my brain is pre-occupied by something else. What people say to me, as much as I wish it weren't that way gets filtered through this lens of fragility. Please extend me grace during this season.
In the same sense, I feel like God is creating a stirring in my heart of unrest. Unrest in many things but the one that stands out the most is my lack of voice. It has been quite apparent that for this last year, finding my voice and speaking my truth has been on the table. Can I just say, that as a 100% people pleaser this TERRIFIES me. I have spent most of my life saying "its fine", extending grace and just letting things slide with the assumption that things were probably done and said with the best intention when they really weren't. Don't get me wrong, grace has its place always, but so do boundaries and also letting yourself be heard. Besides with Kavin, where there has always been a place to use my voice, there was never room elsewhere. I was too scared to give myself room. People for the most part don't like authenticity. We say we do, but when it really comes down to it, it makes us REALLY uncomfortable  and vulnerable to feel other peoples pain, to talk about the real stuff so we just go about the day saying "we're all fine". Well I am here to tell you I am not. My life is a mess, a beautiful mess that he is working through and teaching me about. And, as much as I like my order, clean, perfected           (insert maniacal laughter) life, I am not going to keep pretending that it is fine. There is beauty in this mess, and yours too.

unrest

  I feel like I am in a season of unrest... I don't like it. I actually kind of feel like Im crawling out of my skin. You know me... I like a plan, I like a DETAILED plan of what is going to happen.. and right now I am kind of just sittin back waitin on the Lord. Tick tock.... I feel in particular unrest with my job. I have been really struggling in my job lately. It has been mentally exhausting. My job for the most part is pretty easy but it is VERY emotional, throw in a very dysfunctional team and some violent patients and we got a perfect storm of exhaustion.  There are so many things that I am thankful for in my job, so please don't read this as being ungrateful I just feel like I am being lead somewhere else. Maybe not at this very instant, maybe its not even to another job... maybe its Home. God knows my desire to work from home so that could be where a lot of this unrest is coming from. I know my plans for my life are dull in comparison to what he has for us. To be able to lean into his and not mine is such a struggle for me. I know there is great reward in being obedient and listening to him but I struggle in this. Thank goodness for his patience and love while I continue to learn and lean into him.


Psalm 27:14

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord!