T-rex

Hey you!
 Below you will find a picture that best represents how I am feeling right now... like 100% of the time. I have a pretty strong urge to want to rip everyone's face off and eat it for breakfast (please excuse my 'Walking Dead' Metaphor) but truly, I'm pretty angry right now. This little guy does a good job of representing how I am feeling inside. The one thing I love about the T-rex is his little arms. They discredit him so. He wants to be all mean and scary and just eat people, but then you look at his arms and kind of can't help but laugh. With that said, I hope you can read this knowing that this "feeling" isn't me. Not at all who I am or how I want to act or feel, it just kind of is....

I think that sometimes people forget, that since it has been 9 months, and it isn't fresh in their mind that I am still grieving. I tend to lean into things and get a lot accomplished when I am grieving so some people probably think that I am doing just fine, but not really.That this year in particular is REALLY HARD for me. It was my parents favorite time of year and Christmas began in October. #allthingschristmas.  We were very fortunate to have wonderful Christmas's growing up. Tons of family, activities and creativity. I crave that now. The big family gathering, in our house...although our house isn't our home anymore because my parents were what made it that. When it comes to my own crap I am not a crier until I have been really angry. Its just my process. I cry easily at movies or stories or how I hurt for others but when its mine, I spend a good deal of time cursing things or people (in my head) until I reach a point where it has to come out and then I cry. I wish it wasn't this way, but unfortunately the grief monster has decided that this is how I get to handle it. 
Thank God for GRACE, truly can you imagine living life without it? Grace from my husband and my kids who unfortunately get most of my crankiness because that is where I feel safe enough to display it. Not fair for them though. Thank you to you, who are reading this if you have experienced the T-rex in me lately and for giving me grace, knowing that this is not who I am or who I want to be.

Transition

Lately I have been feeling very uneasy in my life, mostly with my work situation. Don't get my wrong, I love what I do. That I get to help people and that is a joy, but this job is emotionally taxing and the time that I am away from my family and the STRESS that that causes is becoming a lot. A little back story...
Two years ago on this date I got a call from a friend saying that I was being considered for my current job. This was wonderful and terrifying all at the same time. You see, I am a planner. I am really good at it, really organized, this is a huge strength of mine but also a MAJOR vice... because when I don't know the plan I kind of freak out. If my mom were here, she would say that this has been a reoccurring theme in my life. Something I am really working on. 
I didn't know the plan, but for months (after Ruby was born) I knew that what I was doing wasn't working and that something else was going to happen, I just didn't know what or when. Two years later I can say that this job has been such an amazing blessing to my family and I. I have been able to see into incredibly painful life stories and help speak into these lives. I have developed a passion for the mental health community that I never knew I had, and I have developed some pretty awesome skills because of this job.  With that said, the last 8 months or so, I have felt an uneasiness in this position. I feel like God has been preparing my heart for some change. I have no idea what or when but I feel it coming. I realized a dream of mine around 8 months ago, one that I never even knew was on my heart. To stay at home and work from home. How this was going to happen I have no idea... because the logistics, the planning of this is like so out of my control. I couldn't even try to write down a path for this. It is becoming more and more clear to move in this direction. That I have been provided with a flexible job that allows me to dream for this and work for this on the sidelines. My introduction to oils last year was purely medical, then turned into something else and has progressed to something I never could of imagined and while I am excited (like this is all I can think about) for the possibilities that come with this, I am scared ____less. You get the picture. Maybe this is Gods way of forcing me to not try to have a plan, because I really cant. All I can do is work as hard as I can, trusting that he is going to pick up the rest and take it where it needs to go. It is a lesson I am learning daily, hourly, sometimes every minute because my automatic response is to freak out and try to plan this out.
 I opened my devotion to this today... the same day 2 years ago I got the call about the job. 
Jesus, I love your gentle reminders in always the perfect timing.
" This is a time of Abundance in your life. Your cup runneth over with blessings. After plodding uphill for many weeks, you are now traipsing through lush meadows drenched in warm sunshine. I want you to enjoy to the full this time of ease and refreshment. I delight in providing it for you.
Sometimes my children hesitate to receive my good gifts with open hands. Feelings of false guilt creep in, telling them that they don't deserve to be so richly blessed. This is nonsense-thinking because no one deserves anything from me. My kingdom is not about earning and deserving;its about believing and receiving.
What a child of mind balks at accepting my gifts, I am deeply grieves. When you receive my abundant blessings with a grateful heart, I rejoice. My pleasure in giving and your pleasure in receiving flow together in joyous harmony."
Psalm 25:5