This seems to be a recurrent theme in my life. I do fine for a while, have it all under control (or so I think) and then BAM.... I'm swept under. I am at a place in my life right now where I feel like I am drowning. It takes all my effort just to tread water, and I guess that is to be expected on some level. These last four years have been incredibly rough, my dad dying, now my mom dying, starting a new full time job, sleep training, teething, having two kids... should I keep going? And I am EXHAUSTED. I live in a lot of Anxiety these days. Cannot read the paper or watch the news and sometimes just watching people out in public gives me anxiety. I am going to therapy and of course get lots of suggestions on what I can do to reduce my stress level, although its not like I can really take any of the big things that are creating stress out of my life right now... KNOWING what you are supposed to do to help yourself, and being able to pick yourself out of the ditch to DO the stuff that you know will help are two very different things. I feel very isolated, and in truth because I have been isolating myself. Often talking about it is too hard, even to my husband. Once that emotional wound is opened up it is very hard to close. And I also feel that when I talk about it, because these things have been so recurrent that it just gets old to people so I just don't. I could really use some prayer right now, our whole family could. I am having a hard time finding God in this very dark time. I know that he is there, but it all feels like so much at this moment.
I know that some of you have been on the receiving end of my emotional, distant, irritated behavior and I apologize. It is never my intention to come across that way.
I love this song right now
Oceans
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
Friday, October 10, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Courage Rising
" Sometimes the Darkness seems Thickest in the unknown."
* Note: A good portion of this is quotes from the actual word on Sunday. Especially the really intelligent sounding ones :)
This was the topic on Sunday at church and man did it speak to my heart. Jenn Roth talked about the story of Esther and how she rose out of such an impossible situation to do great things. I think we often think of dark times in our lives as just part of the human existence, this is just stuff that we all have to deal with, being human. But what if the darkness was created for us, to give us the opportunity to shine brightly. We were born into a battle. We live in the time between perfection in the garden and the perfection of Eternity. This battle is the source of darkness and this darkness is an opportunity to shine. When Satan was cast down, he was cast down to EARTH. He was already here waiting.How often, after we encounter something dark that we thought was impossible, do we see growth? Do we see a stronger versions of ourselves that we didn't know existed? I know I have seen that in myself in different situations throughout my life.
There were four main parts to this word.
Awareness: When we have awareness about what is happening and our role in it we are able to proceed into these often pitch black circumstances.
Acceptance: Is God Calling me to action? What is my purpose in this darkness. How am I going to shine?
Ask for help: Seek God and ask for help. To rise with courage. Because when we encounter darkness in our lives, we shine brightly when we lean into him. God is present even when we can't see him or feel him. I have such a hard time with this. Always wanting to do it by myself. I think as a society we often think of needing help as a weakness, but what if you not letting someone help you with their role, prevents you from fulfilling your own roll. Let us support and help each other in these dark struggles in life.
Action: How am I being called to action. Often there is no guarantee of the outcome.Sometimes our roll is encourager, other times its blessing others with our time or resources, lending an ear to listen, praying from a distance. Even if we aren't directly in that darkness, we often play a roll in the darkness of the people that we love. I know I have a hard time stepping out in faith when I don't know the outcome. And its hard when you know that the outcome isn't always good.
Our hope is not based on a happily ever after. Out hope is based in a King that redeems. The devil wins battles on earth, but not the final battle in death. GOD IS PRESENT!!!
* Note: A good portion of this is quotes from the actual word on Sunday. Especially the really intelligent sounding ones :)
This was the topic on Sunday at church and man did it speak to my heart. Jenn Roth talked about the story of Esther and how she rose out of such an impossible situation to do great things. I think we often think of dark times in our lives as just part of the human existence, this is just stuff that we all have to deal with, being human. But what if the darkness was created for us, to give us the opportunity to shine brightly. We were born into a battle. We live in the time between perfection in the garden and the perfection of Eternity. This battle is the source of darkness and this darkness is an opportunity to shine. When Satan was cast down, he was cast down to EARTH. He was already here waiting.How often, after we encounter something dark that we thought was impossible, do we see growth? Do we see a stronger versions of ourselves that we didn't know existed? I know I have seen that in myself in different situations throughout my life.
There were four main parts to this word.
Awareness: When we have awareness about what is happening and our role in it we are able to proceed into these often pitch black circumstances.
Acceptance: Is God Calling me to action? What is my purpose in this darkness. How am I going to shine?
Ask for help: Seek God and ask for help. To rise with courage. Because when we encounter darkness in our lives, we shine brightly when we lean into him. God is present even when we can't see him or feel him. I have such a hard time with this. Always wanting to do it by myself. I think as a society we often think of needing help as a weakness, but what if you not letting someone help you with their role, prevents you from fulfilling your own roll. Let us support and help each other in these dark struggles in life.
Action: How am I being called to action. Often there is no guarantee of the outcome.Sometimes our roll is encourager, other times its blessing others with our time or resources, lending an ear to listen, praying from a distance. Even if we aren't directly in that darkness, we often play a roll in the darkness of the people that we love. I know I have a hard time stepping out in faith when I don't know the outcome. And its hard when you know that the outcome isn't always good.
Our hope is not based on a happily ever after. Out hope is based in a King that redeems. The devil wins battles on earth, but not the final battle in death. GOD IS PRESENT!!!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
No holds bar.
Put on a happy face. Well, that's what I have been doing. People often ask me how I am doing, and I say I am doing ok. The thing is I am not doing very well. I am not handling this well. I feel numb most of the time and checked out. Its easier that way, because if I check back in sometimes its too painful. I know I should be talking about it more, crying more but I don't want to. Right now, its just easier to pretend that this all isn't happening. I know that isn't healthy, which is precisely why I am writing this. I need to talk more about it. Bare myself and be raw about how I feel, my anger, my pain not for anyone else but so that I can begin to process through some of this. The way I have been handling it so far is eating, and as I have gained weight here and there, now at my all time high... its time I change that. Its very strange because anyone that knows me knows that I am a very emotional person. It doesn't bother me at all when people cry, and I cry easily at cute videos or moving stories. Yet, when it comes to being vulnerable about pain in my life, crying is right up there with throwing up. I HATE IT! Like please stick a bag over my head so no one has to see me! Unfortunately there is no guide book or step by step process for grief, and you would think that since I have experienced this before with my dad that I would kind of know what to do, but it is harder this time. I am hoping that through this blog, just writing it, even if no one reads it that I will be able to open up a little bit more and FEEL.
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