This seems to be a recurrent theme in my life. I do fine for a while, have it all under control (or so I think) and then BAM.... I'm swept under. I am at a place in my life right now where I feel like I am drowning. It takes all my effort just to tread water, and I guess that is to be expected on some level. These last four years have been incredibly rough, my dad dying, now my mom dying, starting a new full time job, sleep training, teething, having two kids... should I keep going? And I am EXHAUSTED. I live in a lot of Anxiety these days. Cannot read the paper or watch the news and sometimes just watching people out in public gives me anxiety. I am going to therapy and of course get lots of suggestions on what I can do to reduce my stress level, although its not like I can really take any of the big things that are creating stress out of my life right now... KNOWING what you are supposed to do to help yourself, and being able to pick yourself out of the ditch to DO the stuff that you know will help are two very different things. I feel very isolated, and in truth because I have been isolating myself. Often talking about it is too hard, even to my husband. Once that emotional wound is opened up it is very hard to close. And I also feel that when I talk about it, because these things have been so recurrent that it just gets old to people so I just don't. I could really use some prayer right now, our whole family could. I am having a hard time finding God in this very dark time. I know that he is there, but it all feels like so much at this moment.
I know that some of you have been on the receiving end of my emotional, distant, irritated behavior and I apologize. It is never my intention to come across that way.
I love this song right now
Oceans
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
