No holds bar.

    Put on a happy face. Well, that's what I have been doing. People often ask me how I am doing, and I say I am doing ok. The thing is I am not doing very well. I am not handling this well. I feel numb most of the time and checked out. Its easier that way, because if I check back in sometimes its too painful. I know I should be talking about it more, crying more but I don't want to. Right now, its just easier to pretend that this all isn't happening. I know that isn't healthy, which is precisely why I am writing this. I need to talk more about it. Bare myself and be raw about how I feel, my anger, my pain not for anyone else but so that I can begin to process through some of this. The way I have been handling it so far is eating, and as I have gained weight here and there, now at my all time high... its time I change that. Its very strange because anyone that knows me knows that I am a very emotional person. It doesn't bother me at all when people cry, and I cry easily at cute videos or moving stories. Yet, when it comes to being vulnerable about pain in my life, crying is right up there with throwing up. I HATE IT! Like please stick a bag over my head so no one has to see me! Unfortunately there is no guide book or step by step process for grief, and you would think that since I have experienced this before with my dad that I would kind of know what to do, but it is harder this time. I am hoping that through this blog, just writing it, even if no one reads it that I will be able to open up a little bit more and FEEL.